Hi I am new to this platform but was well aware of it over a decade ago. 

Generally people might write about their past experiences but I’m going to skip that part of my life (at least for now). The main reason is because I already spent years analyzing my past and understanding how I came to be me. Deciding to change and moving forward is what I need , However to make it simple, like many others here I am a victim of several traumatic events and was emotionally neglected. With that said I have enough material that can complete a book with hundreds of pages in it. 

Like I mentioned, Change is needed but I don’t know if I have the “want and will”. And if I do how to find the motivation. 

Allow me to explain:

As a Yeshiva boy I pushed and fought very hard to control myself, including my eyes, and thoughts. Of course I lasted few days or couple weeks but then fell. This caused tremendous spiritual and emotional pain, while baring it all alone. 

Till I was about 16 nobody knew about my past trauma or struggle, and all I did was learn a Mussar Sefer that speaks about the gravity of the aveira and the type of punishments one receives for it. 

At a certain point I received help from an older friend and a rav that gave me chizuk every couple months, but as a sensitive child and teenager I was too effected by the trauma and no real progress was being made. 

Truth be told I wanted to “party away” since I was 14 but being my older siblings already were and it was taking a tremendous toll on my parents I felt too guilty doing the same, so I suppressed those feelings and emotions while always staying proper (other than acting out). 

Fast forward and few months before I turned 20 I went to Yeshiva in israel. For few different reasons the struggle got much harder there (it was still the correct choice for me and would do it again). 

At this stage I was carrying a substantial amount of pain, peer pressure, guilt and shame far too long and was overburdened. 

One day I made a conscious choice : No more fighting! I gave myself the green light to look at any female and do whatever I wanted. I wasn’t in total Hefkerus and loved learning but I made up I never need to look away, and I sort of have permission to gaze at whatever my heart desires. Very quickly I developed this feeling of freedom to look at anyone . Few months later I accidentally gained TV access to watch erotic videos(not pornography) at someone’s apartment which allowed to act out there. 

Ever since then I didn’t look back and never tried fighting (for real) or battling against this mountainous challenge. I lack motivation and the will power for it. This is why I never joined GYE all these years, I never had the real will to change or maybe I felt it’s too difficult, not that I currently do, but now I’m at least ready to listen and hear others.

I’ve asked myself, do you really want to break free and change? Or this “world” of “being free” is too comfortable and “easy”. To break free is having to constantly fight, stay away, look away, stay aware, and most of all have strong will power to navigate through low and high tide, and through the storms of spring and summer. 

I also have a fear that if I made a true decision to start fighting and I was clean for few weeks or months I would eventually end up falling, and that would be devastating to me. As we know a person can be clean for years and stumble, and unfortunately when your a ‘all or nothing’ type of person it can crush you. 

(On another note, I told myself you rather do this type of acting out or you might end up in worse situations or places. )

I salute and commend for those who experienced a similar type of past or endured worse and overcame it, they have my utmost respect! 

But how does one learn to truly want change? 

Now, to answer the obvious question of what am I doing here after all these years? 

Firstly, I always wanted to be able to share my thoughts, questions, and feel like I’m not alone (this short story about myself took me couple hours to put together) which that in itself is a tremendous benifit thanks to GYE.. it’s just extremely difficult for me to be doing this but I’m finally here. 

Furthermore, knowing that even if I made a decision today to stop and garnered the ‘will and want’, I need support (and reciprocate) from others that truly comprehend the complexity of this, to actually be successful. 

Maybe I can learn to find the will and want I need, and possibly being here can help that. 

Secondly, Time! The most valuable thing in the world. As scary as it is, A person can literally get stuck with this week after week, month after month, and take it with him to the grave, and I ask myself: Do you want the next 25 years to go by the same way? 

Welcome to the most wonderful place on planet earth. I'm so sorry for the heavy burden you are carrying. A burden shared is a burden halved. All I can say is that on these forums you will find people that really care about you, they will understand you, they will never judge you, and most of all they will give you the gift of friendship. Please stick around, get to know the Oilam, there will definitely be someone on these forums that has been through something similar to what you've been through that you can connect with. The rest of us that haven't, will sympathize and give you support. You will also find very wise people that have helped many many people extricate themselves from very dark places and from very difficult situations. The dark, lonely road is much brighter when travelled with friends. We're here for you. Hatzlacha!

Hi - I want you to know, from my personal experience, I was there, and now I feel so awesome! It is a feeling of freedom, to not be forced to look at every obscene sight, to feel in control BH, to feel good. It is exhilarating, not restricting!

Try reading the book The Battle Of The Generation to get an idea. Available on GYE as a downloadable pdf.

Hey there and welcome!

"די אפעטיט קומט מיט די עסן" ("The appetite comes with eating") is a Yiddish saying that means when you start doing something, you'll start to enjoy it.

When I started here, I didn't want to change. I felt like I was forced to be here because my wife caught me. But as you start to feel the freedom from the struggle, you'll feel much better about yourself, and the desire to change will become clear.

Just do it! Hatzlacha on your journey!

- Yiftach'l

Hi! Yes, you can have a life where you are excited by each accomplishment, and it's not all guilt and doom! While we wait for @Iwannalivereal, check out The Battle of the Generation and Frank.Lee said (link below in my signature), available as an ebook or print book

joy26 wrote on 15 Jul 2024 03:17:

Hey welcome! 

Thank you for sharing. Must have been tough to put that all out there.

Listen, if all you want to do is connect and get some support we're here for that too. But like others have said, change doesn't mean stopping to like all this lusting behavior. That may or may not come with time. Change means finding the joy in not acting out. Change means connecting to Hashem in a way that's been lacking. 
You don't have to want to change necessarily. All you have to do is want to want.

Never give up!

chosemyshem wrote on 15 Jul 2024 13:43:

Do it. Its an awe(ful)some experience!!!

Hi! 
You ask a great question. How do I grow my desire to change?
First of all, check out the flight to freedom here app.guardyoureyes.com/course/lessons/1/topic/96
And then, man, you gotta sit and think. Like you said, is this the way I want to be in 25 years? Is the husband/father/son/friend/chavrusah I want to be?
Wanting to change does not mean that you lose the desire to act out. We all, healthy and normal human beings, have a natural desire for sexual pleasure (note-the sex drive you feel now, before you recover, is NOT your natural sex drive. It's your natural sex drive on steroids. After you stay away from the overload of garbage out there for a little while, you'll begin to discover what your natural desire feels like). Wanting to change means finding within yourself the motivation to overcome those desires. For a greater cause and pleasure.
My friend, stick around, read some threads, and take it step by step. BeH you'll soon be on your way!

Just seeing this message now, and will  read the freedom link you posted,  Thank you!
Finding the motivation can be challenging being the urge gets so intense sometimes I dont see myself overcoming it. Sort of why even start fighting the battle if you can’t win the war.
Let’s say I stay clean for 2/3 weeks and I go to a chassuna or vort, I get triggered very easily (if I was clean for extended period) and feel it throughout my body. The different thoughts that float in my brain in a minute.. pretty insane. I don’t always act out afterwards but it takes me a long time to calm my urge. Till then I’m sort of wishing and wanting to “take action”. 
I think it’s known that the more free you behave and act in this area the “more” you need, and the basics don’t do the job, contrary to one who’s careful in this area then he can easily be aroused. So these type of thoughts and others handicap me from accepting to fight and challenge the YH. 

Well said! But you will BEH learn to change, for example by reading a bit of the BOTG.

My friend, if you stay clean for 2-3 weeks, you gotta celebrate what you have accomplished!!!!! You have to appreciate it! 
Don't think about it in terms of battle vs war. Rather, let's rephrase "Why bother fighting the battle, and winning for 3 weeks, if I'll lose one battle after those 3 weeks?" 
Huh?!?!?!
Didn't make sense, right?
But that's what it is!!!
My friend, you didn't lose the war just because you fell after three weeks. You lost that battle. That's it. Nothing more. And you can still get up and truckin', guns ablazin', rockets firin', and you flyin' upwards!