Hi guys just joined recently and while my streak is currently zero I wanted to get my story out. Ever since I was little I remember getting into fights with my parents. Which led to me not feeling comfortable at home or loved by my parents. From young ages I was into woman’s feet and stockings and my earliest memory of masturbating is in third grade to my teacher in stockings. It’s like hashem didn’t even give me a chance . I was masturbating before I even understood what it was. Through school I got bullied which added to my not feeling loved and I became a people pleaser kissing up to kids doing what they want even at the expense of me. And through this whole time I turned to masturbation to feel loved and connected. I felt like a piece of garbage that I devolved a fetish for being dominated by woman and would masturbate to videos of that. In 11th grade I was really depressed I hated hashem I remember yelling at him one day that he’s ruining my life and not giving me a fair chance. I hit really low that year there were times in private that I didn’t keep shabbos. Thought this whole time I had a really bad relationship with my parents and didn’t trust any rebbi to talk to so I kept this pain inside. In 12th grade I stated texting girls which gave me a sense of being loved but it didn’t last. In Beis medrash I read a article about someone who was frum and ran away from his wife and was holding parties with woman and it hit me if I keep masturbating all the time like this that will be me. So I did the hardest thing of my life I told my father I have a masturbation problem and he found me a therapist but I didn’t like him so I stoped going to him and continued my behavior. I tried to stop many times over the years but never went more than a few weeks. Finally a year ago I opened up to a rebbi and he sent me to a therapist that bh has helped me a lot but I still struggle mightly Bc a woman in stockings can turn me on and even frum woman dress like that. So every time I walk in the street it’s really hard for me I decided to join guard my eyes recently and I’m hoping this plus therapy can help me get over the top so I can start dating soon and end my fifteen year addiction.Thanks for reading and allowing me to share my story. Anyone else with stockings fetish plz reach out need tips how to manage. If you want to get in touch my email is rachiag13@gmail.com

Welcome!

Thank you for sharing. Sounds like you've been through some tough times, and it must have been tough to put that out there.

Stick around, learn, connect, never give up.

Keep on shteiging!

thearpyheals22 wrote on 01 Jul 2024 21:16:

Continuing therapy should help with recognizing and learning how to react to triggers.  The connection that you crave can be redirected to connection with hashem.  If you read the book the battle of the generation by Hillel s it should help you feel a lot better about yourself.  

In my experience eroticising shame and weakness is a method used subconsciously to numb the pain of loneliness and isolation that you experienced growing up.  Unfortunately any pleasure is immediately followed by guilt and disgust that can only be numbed by repeating the behavior.  Although it is something that you may have used consistently in your fantasies, it does not define you and it is possible to break the cycle. 

best wishes
vehkam 

Thank you so much yes one of things I’ve been working on in therapy is to work through the loneliness and isolation instead of numbing it

thearpyheals22 wrote on 02 Jul 2024 12:42:

Over here we are actually not alone, feel free to reach out by phone to the many friend and people who "have your back", it actually makes a real connection of friendship and comradeship. It helped me and many others here.

Hi,

Thank you for opening up!

I identifying with much of your story including some of the fetishes that you had mentioned.  For me there is a lot of guilty and shame in this particular MO which can lead to some really dark moments.  Identifying with others here and realizing you are not alone is very helpful.

Stick around, keep posting and stay strong!

Yes one of the biggest ways I’ve found to getting stronger to beat the urge is to work on healing the shame and guilt . It’s a long process but I’m taking day by day.

Thank you everyone who has reached out I really appreciate the support. I’m going to try to begin my journey of being clean so hopefully Tom will be day 1. Anyone who has advice how to not focus on the streak bc I think that makes it harder and it’s a huge mountain to climb plz let me know thanks! Anyone who wants to email me can at rachiag13@gmail.com

My dear brother!
Welcome to the GYE family!
Here you will find care, concern, warmth, and most importantly, healing.
That was quite a courageous first post!
Stick around, read some threads (some of the greats are here), and keep us posted on your journey.
Hatzlacha!
KOMT!

(If you are really daring, reach out to Hashem Help Me - michelgelner@gmail.com - who is one of the main mentors on this site. He has helped hundreds, present company included. You wont regret it! If your not ready, that's fine. Take your time, you WILL get there!)

Hi, @thearpyheals22,
I can relate to (almost) everything you wrote, especially about the fetish and how it's inescapable, (even) especially in frum areas, and the shame and guilt surrounding it.
I can imagine it took a lot of courage to open up and write it all out. Kudos to you.

As for advice on how to beat it, I got nothing. Besides accepting that this is part of who I am and getting comfortable in my own skin.
Like you, I didn't ask for this either.
I got it.
For free.
It's mine now.

Any advice been trying to start day one but just keep giving in I feel like my body is just rejecting the fact that I even want to start to stop giving in any advice?

thearpyheals22 wrote on 04 Jul 2024 20:28:

Once you start learning how to control your brain, your body will follow.
Focus on the here & now.
You can do it.
Its been done before

How do I exactly control my brain?

thearpyheals22 wrote on 04 Jul 2024 22:22:

Breaking a bad habit is from the hardest things out there. GYE has a number of tools in their toolbox that can be very beneficial. I would recommend you give a shot to the Flight to freedomprogram . AndThe Battle Of The Generation. 

I finally did it it wasn’t easy bc on Shabbosim women wear high heels and stockings which is a huge urge for me but by I stayed strong and I completed day 1 and 2!!!!! Thank you everyone for the chizuk I hope this can be the start of my healing journey