I have been on this site very infrequently over the years but never stayed on for long.

To keep it brief here is an outline of my struggles...

- Wife lacks desire
- I desire to be desired
- Have looked elsewhere to fulfill this void by having others desire me
- Once they desire me I feel guilty and run away
- I need to trust that everything Hashem provides is perfect for me
- I need to understand that when I have this craving I don't want to think of a way out
- I cannot win this battle myself
- My life has become unmanageable as I waste my time on this garbage
- Nothing I do is aligned with my long term vision for my life
- I need to submit my will to His

Any feedback or advice is greatly appreciated!

Hey! Welcome (back)!

Beautiful, and very insightful, post. I relate to a lot of what you shared.

It sounds like you're struggling pretty hard and for a pretty long time. The good news is it sounds like you know that, and are ready to make a change in your life.
You haven't shared the extent of your struggles (and that's fine) but if you know your life is unmanageable you may be ready for a 12 steps group. GYE can provide a list of meetings for you.

If you're not ready for that step then you can still gain a whole lot from this resource. Stick around and post, read the battle of the generation, try the F2F program. The most precious resource on here is the chevra - stick around and make some friends in the fight.

(Note: Please don't get hung up on this point, but at this point this journey doesn't really have much to do with your wife's lack of desire. That may be a legitimate claim, but as Heeling eloquently wrote on a different post "but for us (and our wives AND our relationships) to grow and heal we must separate our struggles from our wives' challenges." Get clean for yourself. Get clean to be able to live a real life once again. Then worry about your wife.)

Thank you for the feedback!

Not ready for the 12 steps group at the present.

I understand your point on trying not to conflate the wife with my own shortcomings. To some extent I agree as I can only control myself and do the best I can do. However, GD wants us to have a permissible and positive way to channel our desires, and not having that makes it very difficult.

If I focus on the fact that this is my test and if He gave it to me then I can overcome, it makes it more bearable.


Thanks again!

vertigo1978 wrote on 28 Jun 2024 16:16:

Great points. I hope you'll forgive my minor edit  I think it aligns with your last line there.

If you're not ready for 12 steps that's fine. Tons of other options to work on before that point. It may be helpful for you to share what you've tried until now. 

Hatzlacha!

Hey! Welcome back, and may you never suffer Vertigo ever!
My friend, there's lots of wisdom in chosemyshem's words. Yes, generally G-d wants you (and I) to have a place to channel your desires and build a great relationship with your wife, by using those desires correctly. But we don't tell G-d what to do. He tells us. And sometimes he gives women an extended period of time out. And that is really, really hard. Excruciating. And we all feel terrible when those things happen. Those times are G-d telling us, "My dear, now I have a different job for you. Now your going to build your relationship with different tools. Now your going to guard your eyes even though you have no outlet for the natural desires I have created you with. I know, my dear, I know it's hard. I know better than you do. I love you more than you do, as well. And I know that this is the best way for you to move forward, to grow, to acheive your potential. My dear, I'm sorry that it's hard. Hold on. Keep trucking. I am so proud of you"  

My friend, stick around, learn the ropes. I don't knw you or your story (yet-please share your story!), just remember that it is very possible that you don't need the 12 steps or therapy to break free. Keep posting, share what's on your mind and heart, and beH you'll find clarity and direction

Great edit and feedback, thank you!

Right now I am trying to interact on the forum and hopefully this will help me be"h.

I have not tried anything sophisticated as of yet.

To add some color to my situation, I created and overcame a tremendous test in this area. But if you continue to play in the sandbox you eventually feel comfortable around the dirt.

As so many on here can attest my inside is very different than my outside.

Getting these thoughts out there hopefully will help.

Amein!

Tremendous words of wisdom.

​My takeaway is that this is the perfect test for me, today.

​So instead of complaining about it, I should view it as the ideal situation to be in.....today.

Thank you!