Just wanted to share a mareh makom with the oilam, for those who didn't know about the Adirei Hatorah event that took place last night or were unable to attend. R' Ephraim Wachsman Shlit"a spoke in his amazing, inimitable way as usual, but there was one story he told which triggered something in me and I could not stop crying after hearing it.  I felt it might also be a his'oirerus for the oilam here. I was unable to attend but listened to a recording today on the chayeinu hotline (732-301-4043). It's the last 5 minutes of the drasha about the boy and the piece of cake. May we be all be zoche to "vetaher libainu l'avdecha b'emes".

I listened. To it. WOW. Thank you so much for putting it out there
The only thing that made me a little sad was that he addressed that part of his speech to the bachurim. And we all know that it's not only the bachurim. Maybe they have it harder. But we all need that chizuk. 
I think I should let him know. Maybe I should print proudyungerman's letter and send it to Rabbi Wachsman. And others. Oy! The world needs to know!

eerie wrote on 18 Jun 2024 19:55:

Do you think Rabbi Wachsman doesn't know? He headlined the internet asifa, he's a community Rabbi, he's not oblivious. 
Perhaps people don't know how to respond. But I just find it hard to believe Rabbonim aren't aware at all . . .

chosemyshem wrote on 18 Jun 2024 20:09:

It could be your right, it could be not.

One thing that is hard for me to believe is that they are aware of GYE and it's multifaceted powers of healing for those interested in using them.
And that has to change. Now! (I think.)

Thank you for sharing! I listened to it and it was amazing! I've heard similar messages from R' Wachsman before; I think he's amazing and his messages are very inspiring for people in this fight. He should be the Rosh yeshiva of GYE.

Maybe there should be a forum dedicated to sharing clips that are very inspiring for someone in the trenches.

In terms of why he only addressed it to bachurim, I would say l'fi aniyus daati, that it was gutsy enough to have said that point altogether, especially at an event like Adirei Torah. The fact that he finished off with that point, was a big statement in terms of how widespread this issue is even among bne'i Torah. Especially as bein hazmanim is coming up and many bachurim struggle during these times. Nonetheless I took the message to heart as if he was talking directly to me. I'm sure he knows that this machlah affects married as well as unmarried, scholar as well as laymen. There are just some things that wouldn't be right to say in a  public forum like that.

proudyungerman wrote on 19 Jun 2024 02:18:

Quote from a response I got to my letter that was posted here. This was from a Rebbi of mine who guided me for a while. I never had shared the details of my struggles until now.

"Thank you for sharing the extent of your struggles. In my rabbinic circles the commonness of these types of struggles is pretty well known - indiscriminate of background, yeshiva, shteller, etc. Interestingly, I don't hear that much about GYE, so your experience is helpful and I will definitely keep it in mind ."

proudyungerman wrote on 19 Jun 2024 19:28:

Thank you for sharing the response. I hope this makes some change. Did he explain what other mehalchim they are using to solve the problems? Just a little bit of chizuk?

Which might not be the wrong mehalech the majority of the time. HHM posted about his mehalech in helping bochrim and it was basically that. I even happen to be listening to a mindblasting shuir from Dov on why frum people are more likely to suffer from sexual addiction. (Available on GYE right here) and in middle he taina's that just 'fessing up to a Rebbi is a powerful step for a bochur to get clean. 

But then there's two options. Either they don't know about the large minority of people who are not helped by just some chizuk. Or they know about them but are not helping them. Same thing for the majority of people who don't reach out. I almost wish they were not aware because then educating them to be aware would be pretty easy. But if they are aware and choosing to not help . . .

siyatta wrote on 19 Jun 2024 17:17:

Agree. I was thinking about it. Imagine he just changed the subject and spoke about it. It would just sound weird. Saying that he's speaking to the bachurim gave him the opening to speak about it.

But, I still have no idea if he, or others, like Reb PY's rebbe, have no idea of the unbelievable resource known as GYE. I have my doubts, especially after one of the wonderful guys here had a shmooze with one of the leading Rosh Yeshivas today, and he wasn't in the know. It's up to us, the people here, to share with the rabbanim and Rosh Yeshivas what we have found here. They aren't here...I think

Can I be part of the delegation? Maybe your Gabbai or sum'tin?

Thanks. I watched it, awesome and inspiring. 

Yes, we need to get the word out to the Rabanim, the leaders who are not aware. 

Also another resource that claims to help is Lev Shomea (in Israel). They have a hotline for bachurim to call...

eerie wrote on 19 Jun 2024 23:23:

So this bothers me alot. My understanding from this thread is that our rabbanim and communal leaders know about the problem. But they don't know about this specific solution. That's cool. GYE is just one tool among many. I like it but it doesn't have to be the sole solution. 
If that is the situation then all is good. 

But hold on just one second. If they know about the problem then we have a real problem. Because I and many others spent our bochur years masturbating, occasionally watching porn, and feeling lots of guilt. And then we spent our married years doing something similar. And where were the f'ing solutions?? 

I don't know the stats. I have no idea how many people (single or married) struggle and what percentage of those reach out for help. I don't know how serious the problems that people are struggling with are. But I do know that I've seen stuff here that made me want to throw up with sorrow. I've done things in my own life that make me want to do that. And I know that so many people who come to GYE just drive by without making changes. And I know that many people who struggle don't ever make it to GYE (especially bochurim. Let's be honest. If all the bochurim who are watching porn and/or masturbating signed up for GYE the servers would explode.) And I have to assume most of those people are not reaching out to their Rabbi or therapist or community leader. At least, not until they're forced to because the feces hit the windmill. 

And so people are dying. They're poisoned with porn and masturbation, cams, chatting, hookers, and eye-groping every woman in the street. They're poisoned with guilt, shame, loneliness and lies. 

And what's our solution? "Oh, if someone reaches out we'll send him to therapy. Maybe we'll make a little speech about shmiras einayim." That's disgusting. That's communal leaders lying to themselves. That's our leadership being content to let the silent majority keep on dying because they don't have a better solution.

So we're left wondering that either they think they know what's going on but they really don't. Or, they know what's going on and choose to remain inactive. The second seems more likely, and is also much more depressing.

Listen, I don't claim to have a solution. Going public with the magnitude of the issue is likely to cause more harm than good. And how can you help adults who don't want to be helped yet? And I sincerely hope that I'm being "posul b'mumo" and the problem is much smaller than I fear it is. 

Edit: Forgot my main point. Sorry, got carried away with the rant. The point is that if they're already aware of the full magnitude of the problem, and choosing to remain silent, then "raising awareness" about one specific solution is just further useless garbage. The end.

Personally, I really dislike negative talk. And especially about our rabbanim and leaders. I'm not their lawyer, and I don't need to defend them. But I do know that speaking in negative terms about rabbanim etc. only makes more problems and has never solved or helped with even one issue that klal yisroel faces.

I think that many regular rabbanim and rebbeim don't know the extent of how deep these things go, and, more importantly, they don't know that there are resources. That's that's the main thing I would love to let them know. That the boys, bachurim, men that struggle with these issues can be helped, and many times without therapy. Many Rabbanim give chizuk, or/and recommend therapy. For many people therapy carries a stigma, and it is expensive. From speaking to a lot of guys here, many who have reached out for help, it seems to me that almost none of the rebbeim they had turned to either knew about GYE, or they didn't really know what GYE was like. And, as Proudyungerman has said, WE CAN CHANGE THAT! One very special guy here was told by an askan that spends his whole day dealing with technology issues that GYE was not for him, and he charachterized GYE as something totally different then what it truly is. Well, this guy spent a long time, and loads of money, going to therapists. And got nowhere. And then he came here, and today he's about 10 months perfectly clean. 
Again, the blame game gives no one any gain. Let's just deal with the facts. It seems that many communal leaders don't know what GYE is, and we can change that. No, GYE doesn't have to be the only resource, but it is a resource, and we can spread the word about it. No, I am not looking to get the rabbanim to speak in public about this or create an outcry etc. All I would hope to accomplish is that when a person comes to his rav or rebbe, broken, struggling, trying so hard to break free, that the rav know about the resources available.

redfaced wrote on 19 Jun 2024 23:39:

Absolutely!
Please catch me at the departure level at the Burma International Airport

eerie wrote on 20 Jun 2024 17:15:

Great post. I also dislike speaking negatively about rabbanim, and it was not my intent to do so. I apologize if my bitter rant was a little too bitter. I am also trying very hard not to blame other people for my problems. Not my parents, not my friends, not my wife, not those girls wearing those clothes, and certainly not the leaders of klal yisroel. But if we hide behind a shield of false positivity then we're never going to get anywhere . . .

You disagree with two of my hanachos: That people in authority know what's going on, and that GYE is not a substantially different solution than what they know about already. 
If you're right, gevaldig. Let's raise awareness on those two things by all means. That's a beautiful thing. I'll happily come along as second assistant gabbai. B'ezras hashem it'll be tremendously helpful for people who reach out to those rabbanim.


But that's not going to change anything for the silent majority who are standing behind the wall of silence and shame that stops people from reaching out in the first place. And it's not going to change anything about the lack of proactive solutions (other than speechifying about vague topics) that pervades our community.*

*Okay that might be unnecessarily bitter again. As I said, there may not be any good solution to this problem. And hopefully it's a small problem that can be solved through better preventative education for kids (which is a change that seems to be happening.) But it hurts.

Circling back around to the topic of this thread. Just listened to this speech. Pure fire as always. Rabbi Waxman is amazing.
Was this cake mashal a Vayimaen video recently? Sounds familiar.

Anyway. Not putting down any of: Rabbi Waxman, Aderei Hatorah, BMG, shmiras einayim, chizzuk, or cake.

But anyone who thinks a vague speech about the "nisayon of the dor" and cake and bochurim is a significantly helpful step to solving the problems GYE is here for is deluding themselves.
It's probably gevaldig chizzuk for bochrim who need a little chizuk in shmiras einayim (which is every bochur?) to hear a little chizuk at such a chashuv mamid. And the speech was amazing and choshuv.
But "cake" has nothing to do with a bochur struggling with porn use.