I will be talking to my rav hopefully when I get back from bein hazmanim and 100% consult with him when the time comes. He has lots of experience in these types of situations.
       I would like to share a part of my first meeting with him. (I am pretty sure he is of the opinion that you should tell)
Me: "Who would accept me, why would anyone accept me?" ,Almost in tears
Rav: "There are those that will, and not only that I believe it can create a closer connection of trust and intimacy"

It ended there bc I was not in the state to continue a specific worry bc I was scared and valnurable. I think now that I have made progress in overcoming porn and masturbation I can talk with him about it. 

@sisonYishecha When I talk about telling my future wife I am not talking hypothetically. Yes this could be due to as you said "immaturity" (I take no offense in that terminology, it is accurate) but there is also a thought process.
I wouldnt be going into detail about "sharing my experiences" and I think that depending on the girl it could actually increase respect and trust. I think this would be rare but it does exist. Hopefully the one I marry is socially and environmentally aware and knows that the nisoyon of shmiras eynayim of a man is alien to her.

" do you deserve a wife that is looking for someone who has put all of this behind him and is clean? (Assuming that you are clean, at that point.) At that point, once you've done teshuva, it's pointless and wrong to bring up past sins to others."
This is a point that I will bring up to my Rav "Is it right to tell her once I am cean if it will only cause unnecessary hardship?"
But another point onto this is that its not that she would be looking for someone that has done this, she wouldn't know this about me or anyone else she may have gone out with. Its not like its on her criteria "must have had issues with porn and masternation in the past" this would be something she would have to consider. Of course this is if I tell her or not and goes along with my last point of asking my Rav.

"Bear in mind that it's likely that she won't make the decision to continue with you on her own, she will likely consult with her parents, mentors, or Rav. Do you need all of them knowing your darkest secrets as well?"
This is a point that I have also considered and will have to be discussed with a Rav. This type of revelation must be done at a serious time in a conversation and with the upmost confidentiality within reason. With being "immature" I would have to preface this with saying that this may not be discussed with family or friends but only a trusted Rav/Rebbitzen/Tharapist. maybe even my Rav.

Of course this is all based on assumptions and will be very situational. This is a very serious topic and I will be consulting my Rav on the matter. Thank you everyone for your concerns, thoughts, and comments!!

B'Ezras Hashem it will all work out how it is meant to be. 

I may come across here as being sharp and rude, which actually the polar opposite of who I am. The presumptions upon which you forming your decisions and opinions are SO WRONG that I feel that there is no way to answer with "kid gloves". 

I am w

Dont worry I am not taking this as sharp or rude.
This is not me diregarding your posts but may I ask what experience you have to blatantly say that I am totally wrong.
Again just trying to understand where you are coming from on this, not disregarding you even if its just an opinion.
(I am assuming you are saying this with experience)

jewizard21 wrote on 03 May 2024 05:26:

It got cut short for some reason. Your question is in place and even expected.

I write this not only as a married man who broke free from my own struggle as a Bachur for the first 8 years of marriage, until life's circumstances had me shlepped back into the shmutz. That alone gives a perspective of getting married after being clean for a period of time, and being married without opening up to my wife about it. Though one cannot give advice (especially marriage advice) based on their own experiences.

Also as a Rebbi for post high school bachurim, and as someone who (formerly, as I took a respite when I started falling in again) teaches Chassanim and did Shimush by numerous Shalom Bayis experts. This exposed me to a much broader view on the differences between men and woman, and especially newlyweds. 
You will be building a Bayis Ne'eman moving forwards to the future, and sharing this with your wife (again, assuming that you are indeed past it), will not be productive in that goal.

I have the utmost respect for a Bachur who is working hard on breaking free, and we are in this battle together, I only wrote so strongly because בנפשי הדבר!!!

I'll be honest, I am kind of tiered of this conversation. Not only with you @Sison but just I general. I think it is mainly due to my lack of experience.
Dont worry, this is not me giving up and just going with whatever happens.

 I have just scheduled a meeting with my Rav. This will be the first time meeting with him since I confided in him. This topic with the many others will hopefully be discussed. 

 I have mentioned previously that my Rav is of the opinion to tell. I could have misinterpreted this and his meaning could have been only if you are still struggling.
I assure you he is very experienced in dealing with singles, marrieds, shalom bayis, ppl caught doing many things....the list goes on and I don't even know the half of it. He also has meetings with boards of therapists.
I am not usually the type to go to a Rav for advice (except for extreme cases of course) but for this Rav I think I can make a lasting connection.

Another reason I would like to stop the discussion is that I think I might be focusing to much on it. It is serious and needs a lot of thought and consideration but not when I have no actual experience in the matter.

Thank you for everyone's input on the matter.
 Have a great Shabbos!

jewizard21 wrote on 03 May 2024 22:12:

Great decision!

Hatzlacha!

Hi , new here.
Starting here,
Really feel foolish..
46 years old..officially very religious.
Old issues never went away (got worse)
Was open with wife (after 23 years) shock horrified... 
(not sure ready to speak with therapist..)
well, this is something..
It may save this marriage...seems everyone says need therapy but not ready to see one.
Here it goes

Hi @arons Welcome!!

You are very smart for making this move. As they say at AA, if you keep the same mentality and actions, don't expect different results.

You can read some threads, and start your own so you can keep things organized. Feel free to share some more about your background, struggles and successes.

You will see that many others have similar stories. One big relief is realizing you are not crazy, and being able to be open, write out your feelings, and get feedback and support from others.

What do you mean about being ready to go to therapy? Don't work about your wife going. You go! And if you are not ready, just do the first step, find a therapist or organization that can help you, make an appointment for intake, etc. Just do it.

Hatzlacha!

Welcome. We are here to help. It is possible to climb out of this. It takes work but the growth opportunity is phenomenal. Feel free to email or private message me.

Hey Arons,
I remember how terrified I was before and when speaking with my Rav. 

I suggest creating a thread to introduce yourself to the community. Its all anonymous and is a tremendous step in healing and overcoming this nisoyon.

Much Hatzlacha!!

Thank you for the support. 
i didn't mean my wife wasn't ready,
She's very pro therapy and ready.
It's me, I'm not ready and everyone seems to say the only way out, the only way to heal is with therapy. 

Don't worry we didn't misunderstand.
What makes you feel unready?

I broke free without therapy and it really depends on the situation. I go to therapy for other things and there is nothing to be afraid of therapy. If a Rav, professional or Hashem Help Me, the main mentor, thinks that you should go to therapy then definitely go for it. I suggest that you reach out to HHM at michelgelner@gmail.com and discuss the option of therapy with him. As others suggested, I suggest that you open your own thread and tell us a little more about yourself. It is very liberating and it would help us help you and cheer you along. We also don't want to hijack someone else's thread.

How do I link an older post?

There is a voice recording in a reply from Markz about dating and telling when you date.

guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/348452-Dating-disclosure#348452