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TOPIC: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 5295 Views

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 18 Jun 2024 23:18 #415387

eraygrand Current streak: 581 days OFFLINE Expert Boarder Posts: 95 Karma: 10	Very similar here. After 450+ days clean, while I have seen a definite change in bein Adam l'chaveiro, especially family, the shift in the bein Adam L'makom connection has been a MUCH slower go. I believe that after so many years of despair there is a lot of rust buildup that will take time to get through.

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 18 Jun 2024 23:24 #415388

upanddown
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Posts: 186
Karma: 14

Dear YKW,

What an amazing thread! I read most of your posts and many of the great responses..
You're an absolute star! A huge inspiration!
I very much relate to your struggles. My journey was similar, a very difficult childhood incl sexual abuse and a lot more. I've been angry at the Yeshivish system. Fed up of my Yiddishkeit. Complex Emunah struggles. Disillusioned by so much that goes on in the Torah world. Furious at Hashem (I've written about it on my threads). Frustrated by this endless struggle of P&M and fed up of fighting it. Eventually I managed 400 days clean! But then I fell very badly again and again. I was ready to give up and to ditch it all. But with tremendous ס’’ד I'm now back on track.. its hard work though... very draining...

Just to share a thought that helps me:
Put Torah aside. Put Hashem aside. Regardless whether I believe or don't believe. There is 1 thing that is a 100% ראיה that P&M can't be a good thing:
It's the instinct. That feeling right after acting out. How can it possibly be a 'normal' & correct thing to act out, if right after doing it you feel depressed, upset, frustrated, guilty? Noone brainwashed me that I'm meant to be feeling upset and guilty. Because even when I was a young boy, I felt that way, before hearing about the strictness of the sin!
כי השחית כל בשר את דרכו על הארץ - referring to הוז”ל. Because its not the דרך ארץ to masturbate. There are more מקורות where this Lashon is used. And I've always wondered, how can you say it's not the דרך ארץ to do it if most of the world are doing it? The answer is that the natural instinct is to feel its wrong, but the world tries hard to ignore it. Even Goyim feel some depression and emptyness after acting out - you can Google it!
Why is the איסור הוז”ל not מפורש in the Torah? Because its מפורש in every persons body! It's an instinct. דרך ארץ קדמה לתורה. Unlike all the other mitzvos.

Keep strong!
חזק ואמץ
Upanddown

My favourite resources:
1. "זאת בריתי". hebrewbooks.org/56572 (PM me for a sharper version)
2. "שערי גדולה". hebrewbooks.org/48344
3. guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation

My journey: Emunah struggles, Celebrating a fall, I'm fed up(main thread), I'm drowning, Tips for Shmiras Einayim.

Last Edit: 18 Jun 2024 23:51 by upanddown.

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 19 Jun 2024 04:27 #415405

Hashem Help Me Current streak: 2888 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 4042	HUG!!! Dear chaver, you are a hero. Plain and poshut. Keep growing. None of us are perfect; your resilience is the stuff of hechere mentshen. Continued hatzlocha!
	Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 19 Jun 2024 15:42 #415447

youknowwho
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Thank you, Oved Elokim, for your kind words, I am very familiar with your thread, actually. I read it a long time ago, and found your journey absolutely riveting. My heart ached when you bid farewell, and I sent you a PM. Your return to this forum is mind-bogglingly (is that a word?) inspiring. We will be in touch.

Bennyh, your important point is so spot on and I really appreciate it. And last night, I fell asleep to the gentle voices of angels serenading me to sleep in falsetto…they were singing something that strangely resembled something I’d heard on VeggieTales…

Thank you eraygrand and upandown for the chizuk, it means a ton! And HHM, your hug was well received! (although I may have a cracked rib or two).

A great day to you all,

-A less Moldy Voldy

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 08 Aug 2024 18:25 #418730

youknowwho
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Posts: 510
Karma: 51

Had a spat with my wife the other night, felt pretty horrible after that. Going through a lot of stress right now. Did what I had done as a mind-numbing escape for many, many years...masturbated.

I've been feeling pretty dejected. This is not what success looks like.

It sure doesn’t feel like success…

I’ve been clean for almost a year and in recent months I’ve been failing again. I’d always feared not being able to fully get up again after breaking a long streak and those fears have been realized.

Then, something really eye-opening occurred.

I happened to be sifting through my wallet. Through those dusty crevices that I never think about. A wallet spring cleaning, purging the things I no longer needed.

Found a folded up paper, slightly crumpled. In handwritten Hebrew:

“I, YKW, am going to try to abstain from watching porn and masturbating from April 1 until April 7, or pay $1000 knaas”

It was a quiet place and I had time to reflect. I remembered these little notes well…for years, I was desperately trying to stop compulsively using porn and masturbation, with zero success.

These notes would give me some slight reprieve, until a total relapse not long thereafter.

Then, it was right back to:

-Wake up in the morning (porn in the bathroom)

-Daven (porn in between, if possible)

-Head out to work (porn on my beautiful commute)

-Arrive to work (sneak porn in as much as possible)

-Get some work done (masturbate in the bathroom)

Come out feeling strangely focused, yet sick of myself

-Back to work, come home, help with kids, learn for a few minutes

-Maariv, (back to porn, till the “finish line” at 2AM)

-Wife out on errands? Porn.

-Wife in the shower? Porn.

-Wife on the phone? Porn on the other side of the hallway.

I’d follow through on one note, and cross out the dates, adding sad new ones in their place.

Those were pretty dark times.

So, maybe success really does come in different sizes and flavors. For some, that may mean “kicking it”. Yet for some, the struggle continues, and we don’t always manage to stay clean. That does not mean you aren’t a success.

I carefully tucked that sad, somewhat crumpled piece of paper back into my wallet. I want it with me wherever I go. I need it there forever, to remind me of what I was and how far I’ve come.

Success is real, and boy, does it taste sweet!

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 08 Aug 2024 21:21 #418740

mggsbms
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Posts: 678
Karma: 53

youknowwho wrote on 08 Aug 2024 18:25:

It sure doesn’t feel like success…

Then, something really eye-opening occurred.

I happened to be sifting through my wallet. Through those dusty crevices that I never think about. A wallet spring cleaning, purging the things I no longer needed.

Found a folded up paper, slightly crumpled. In handwritten Hebrew:

“I, YKW, am going to try to abstain from watching porn and masturbating from April 1 until April 7, or pay $1000 knaas”

It was a quiet place and I had time to reflect. I remembered these little notes well…for years, I was desperately trying to stop compulsively using porn and masturbation, with zero success.

These notes would give me some slight reprieve, until a total relapse not long thereafter.

Then, it was right back to:

-Wake up in the morning (porn in the bathroom)

-Daven (porn in between, if possible)

-Head out to work (porn on my beautiful commute)

-Arrive to work (sneak porn in as much as possible)

-Get some work done (masturbate in the bathroom)

Come out feeling strangely focused, yet sick of myself

-Back to work, come home, help with kids, learn for a few minutes

-Maariv, (back to porn, till the “finish line” at 2AM)

-Wife out on errands? Porn.

-Wife in the shower? Porn.

-Wife on the phone? Porn on the other side of the hallway.

I’d follow through on one note, and cross out the dates, adding sad new ones in their place.

Those were pretty dark times.

I carefully tucked that sad, somewhat crumpled piece of paper back into my wallet. I want it with me wherever I go. I need it there forever, to remind me of what I was and how far I’ve come.

Success is real, and boy, does it taste sweet!

This post is a hall of famer! Wow!

Aka - Mischadeish075 Email mischadeish075@gmail.com

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 09 Aug 2024 01:38 #418762

chaimoigen
Current streak: 555 days
NOW ONLINE
Platinum Boarder
Posts: 1345
Karma: 134

My absence from these pages caused me to miss your last couple of posts, Tom.

Here’s a warm hug, and a hand on your shoulder. I’m glad that you can feel the growth and goodness and your extraordinary progress in living, even while the scarlet thread of pain still punctuates the fabric of your interior landscape.

Let’s put it like this: “It seems that you have been, at last, looking in the right places”.

I know you’re gonna get to where you want to go. Let it go slowly. You cannot speed the growth of a fruit tree by over-watering. You are a towering tree, splendid, majestic and broad. You will yet fully flower and blossom. .

Faith, Tom.

באהבה רבה,
אלבוס

Please feel free to reach out anytime at chaim.oigen@gmail.com

Last Edit: 09 Aug 2024 01:42 by chaimoigen.

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 20 Aug 2024 16:15 #419489

chancy Current streak: 822 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 517 Karma: 22	YKW, I love you Always Chancy

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 20 Aug 2024 18:02 #419497

Muttel
Current streak: 198 days
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Posts: 438
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youknowwho wrote on 08 Aug 2024 18:25:

It sure doesn’t feel like success…

Then, something really eye-opening occurred.

I happened to be sifting through my wallet. Through those dusty crevices that I never think about. A wallet spring cleaning, purging the things I no longer needed.

Found a folded up paper, slightly crumpled. In handwritten Hebrew:

“I, YKW, am going to try to abstain from watching porn and masturbating from April 1 until April 7, or pay $1000 knaas”

It was a quiet place and I had time to reflect. I remembered these little notes well…for years, I was desperately trying to stop compulsively using porn and masturbation, with zero success.

These notes would give me some slight reprieve, until a total relapse not long thereafter.

Then, it was right back to:

-Wake up in the morning (porn in the bathroom)

-Daven (porn in between, if possible)

-Head out to work (porn on my beautiful commute)

-Arrive to work (sneak porn in as much as possible)

-Get some work done (masturbate in the bathroom)

Come out feeling strangely focused, yet sick of myself

-Back to work, come home, help with kids, learn for a few minutes

-Maariv, (back to porn, till the “finish line” at 2AM)

-Wife out on errands? Porn.

-Wife in the shower? Porn.

-Wife on the phone? Porn on the other side of the hallway.

I’d follow through on one note, and cross out the dates, adding sad new ones in their place.

Those were pretty dark times.

I carefully tucked that sad, somewhat crumpled piece of paper back into my wallet. I want it with me wherever I go. I need it there forever, to remind me of what I was and how far I’ve come.

Success is real, and boy, does it taste sweet!

Just seeing this post. YKW, my respect for you just skyrocketed. Such awareness and blunt truth tempered by pragmatic critique.

love it!!

I look forward to finally connecting (will cover my forehead, I’m nervous of a bolt!)

Muttel

We're in this struggle together; feel free to reach out!
Muttel15@gmail.com

Feel free to call/text! (908) 251-9590 (google)

Check out my thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/413043-My-ENTIRE-story#413043

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 20 Aug 2024 20:58 #419513

youknowwho OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 510 Karma: 51	chancy wrote on 20 Aug 2024 16:15: YKW, I love you Always Chancy Feelings are mutual! Though perhaps we should keep it purely platonic for now.

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 20 Aug 2024 21:02 #419514

youknowwho OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 510 Karma: 51	freespirit wrote on 20 Aug 2024 16:22: Well you deserve a lot of credit for going cold turkey on masterbation. How did you do it I didn't do anything, really. It was actually a very poorly aimed Disarming Spell towards my lower extremities... But when you are Voldemort, everything kinda grows back after a little while.

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 20 Aug 2024 21:26 #419516

138eagle Current streak: 259 days OFFLINE Expert Boarder Posts: 110 Karma: 14	Wow!! I admire your courage to admit where you fell. More than that I admire your ambition and drive to pick yourself up and go at it again. And mostly I admire your ability to notice and appreciate your triumphs!! Keep Flying!!
	Come fly with me as I fly higher! My Story Feel free to reach out to me. 138.124.eagle@gmail.com

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 20 Aug 2024 21:49 #419521

redfaced Current streak: 540 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1064 Karma: 51	138eagle wrote on 20 Aug 2024 21:26: Wow!! I admire your courage to admit where you fell. More than that I admire your ambition and drive to pick yourself up and go at it again. And mostly I admire your ability to notice and appreciate your triumphs!! Keep Flying!! I admire your disarming spell
	May you slide down the banister of happiness and get many splinters of success up your career Feel free to send me an owl, a howler, or even a Crumple-Horned Snorkack to Iamredfaced@gmail.com The Red Face

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 20 Aug 2024 22:07 #419524

youknowwho OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 510 Karma: 51	redfaced wrote on 20 Aug 2024 21:49: 138eagle wrote on 20 Aug 2024 21:26: Wow!! I admire your courage to admit where you fell. More than that I admire your ambition and drive to pick yourself up and go at it again. And mostly I admire your ability to notice and appreciate your triumphs!! Keep Flying!! I admire your disarming spell On my way over to you (you asked for it!)

Re: Trying to clean up while struggling religiously 02 Oct 2024 04:22 #422755

ilovehashem247
NOW ONLINE
Platinum Boarder
Posts: 463
Karma: 36

youknowwho wrote on 08 Aug 2024 18:25:

It sure doesn’t feel like success…

Then, something really eye-opening occurred.

I happened to be sifting through my wallet. Through those dusty crevices that I never think about. A wallet spring cleaning, purging the things I no longer needed.

Found a folded up paper, slightly crumpled. In handwritten Hebrew:

“I, YKW, am going to try to abstain from watching porn and masturbating from April 1 until April 7, or pay $1000 knaas”

It was a quiet place and I had time to reflect. I remembered these little notes well…for years, I was desperately trying to stop compulsively using porn and masturbation, with zero success.

These notes would give me some slight reprieve, until a total relapse not long thereafter.

Then, it was right back to:

-Wake up in the morning (porn in the bathroom)

-Daven (porn in between, if possible)

-Head out to work (porn on my beautiful commute)

-Arrive to work (sneak porn in as much as possible)

-Get some work done (masturbate in the bathroom)

Come out feeling strangely focused, yet sick of myself

-Back to work, come home, help with kids, learn for a few minutes

-Maariv, (back to porn, till the “finish line” at 2AM)

-Wife out on errands? Porn.

-Wife in the shower? Porn.

-Wife on the phone? Porn on the other side of the hallway.

I’d follow through on one note, and cross out the dates, adding sad new ones in their place.

Those were pretty dark times.

I carefully tucked that sad, somewhat crumpled piece of paper back into my wallet. I want it with me wherever I go. I need it there forever, to remind me of what I was and how far I’ve come.

Success is real, and boy, does it taste sweet!

Falling ain't failing if you're still climbing

Hi, my name is ILH and I’m grateful for having to focus just on today.
Easy does it... I don't need to be perfect.
If you figured out my identity, don't be shy, come say hi!
It takes tons of courage to fight the good fight, but we don't have to do it all alone.
My Story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/385922-My-Story-Being-Honest-For-Once