Had a spat with my wife the other night, felt pretty horrible after that. Going through a lot of stress right now. Did what I had done as a mind-numbing escape for many, many years...masturbated.
I've been feeling pretty dejected. This is not what success looks like.
It sure doesn’t feel like success…
I’ve been clean for almost a year and in recent months I’ve been failing again. I’d always feared not being able to fully get up again after breaking a long streak and those fears have been realized.
Then, something really eye-opening occurred.
I happened to be sifting through my wallet. Through those dusty crevices that I never think about. A wallet spring cleaning, purging the things I no longer needed.
Found a folded up paper, slightly crumpled. In handwritten Hebrew:
“I, YKW, am going to try to abstain from watching porn and masturbating from April 1 until April 7, or pay $1000 knaas”
It was a quiet place and I had time to reflect. I remembered these little notes well…for years, I was desperately trying to stop compulsively using porn and masturbation, with zero success.
These notes would give me some slight reprieve, until a total relapse not long thereafter.
Then, it was right back to:
-Wake up in the morning (porn in the bathroom)
-Daven (porn in between, if possible)
-Head out to work (porn on my beautiful commute)
-Arrive to work (sneak porn in as much as possible)
-Get some work done (masturbate in the bathroom)
Come out feeling strangely focused, yet sick of myself
-Back to work, come home, help with kids, learn for a few minutes
-Maariv, (back to porn, till the “finish line” at 2AM)
-Wife out on errands? Porn.
-Wife in the shower? Porn.
-Wife on the phone? Porn on the other side of the hallway.
I’d follow through on one note, and cross out the dates, adding sad new ones in their place.
Those were pretty dark times.
So, maybe success really does come in different sizes and flavors. For some, that may mean “kicking it”. Yet for some, the struggle continues, and we don’t always manage to stay clean. That does not mean you aren’t a success.
I carefully tucked that sad, somewhat crumpled piece of paper back into my wallet. I want it with me wherever I go. I need it there forever, to remind me of what I was and how far I’ve come.
Success is real, and boy, does it taste sweet!