Very similar here.  After 450+ days clean, while I have seen a definite change in bein Adam l'chaveiro, especially family,  the shift in the bein Adam L'makom connection has been a MUCH slower go.  I believe that after so many years of despair there is a lot of rust buildup that will take time to get through.

Dear YKW,

What an amazing thread! I read most of your posts and many of the great responses..
You're an absolute star! A huge inspiration!
I very much relate to your struggles. My journey was similar, a very difficult childhood incl sexual abuse and a lot more. I've been angry at the Yeshivish system. Fed up of my Yiddishkeit. Complex Emunah struggles. Disillusioned by so much that goes on in the Torah world. Furious at Hashem (I've written about it on my threads). Frustrated by this endless struggle of P&M and fed up of fighting it. Eventually I managed 400 days clean! But then I fell very badly again and again. I was ready to give up and to ditch it all. But with tremendous ס’’ד I'm now back on track.. its hard work though... very draining...

Just to share a thought that helps me:
Put Torah aside. Put Hashem aside. Regardless whether I believe or don't believe. There is 1 thing that is a 100% ראיה that P&M can't be a good thing:
It's the instinct. That feeling right after acting out. How can it possibly be a 'normal' & correct thing to act out, if right after doing it you feel depressed, upset, frustrated, guilty? Noone brainwashed me that I'm meant to be feeling upset and guilty. Because even when I was a young boy, I felt that way, before hearing about the strictness of the sin! 
כי השחית כל בשר את דרכו על הארץ - referring to הוז”ל. Because its not the דרך ארץ to masturbate. There are more מקורות where this Lashon is used. And I've always wondered, how can you say it's not the דרך ארץ to do it if most of the world are doing it? The answer is that the natural instinct is to feel its wrong, but the world tries hard to ignore it. Even Goyim feel some depression and emptyness after acting out - you can Google it!
Why is the איסור הוז”ל not מפורש in the Torah? Because its מפורש in every persons body! It's an instinct. דרך ארץ קדמה לתורה. Unlike all the other mitzvos.

Keep strong!
חזק ואמץ
Upanddown

HUG!!!  Dear chaver, you are a hero. Plain and poshut. Keep growing. None of us are perfect; your resilience is the stuff of hechere mentshen.  Continued hatzlocha!

Thank you, Oved Elokim, for your kind words, I am very familiar with your thread, actually. I read it a long time ago, and found your journey absolutely riveting. My heart ached when you bid farewell, and I sent you a PM. Your return to this forum is mind-bogglingly (is that a word?) inspiring. We will be in touch.

Bennyh, your important point is so spot on and I really appreciate it. And last night, I fell asleep to the gentle voices of angels serenading me to sleep in falsetto…they were singing something that strangely resembled something I’d heard on VeggieTales…

Thank you eraygrand and upandown for the chizuk, it means a ton! And HHM, your hug was well received! (although I may have a cracked rib or two).

A great day to you all,

-A less Moldy Voldy

Had a spat with my wife the other night, felt pretty horrible after that. Going through a lot of stress right now. Did what I had done as a mind-numbing escape for many, many years...masturbated. 

​I've been feeling pretty dejected. This is not what success looks like.

It sure doesn’t feel like success…

I’ve been clean for almost a year and in recent months I’ve been failing again. I’d always feared not being able to fully get up again after breaking a long streak and those fears have been realized.

Then, something really eye-opening occurred.

I happened to be sifting through my wallet. Through those dusty crevices that I never think about. A wallet spring cleaning, purging the things I no longer needed.

Found a folded up paper, slightly crumpled. In handwritten Hebrew:

“I, YKW, am going to try to abstain from watching porn and masturbating from April 1 until April 7, or pay $1000 knaas”

It was a quiet place and I had time to reflect. I remembered these little notes well…for years, I was desperately trying to stop compulsively using porn and masturbation, with zero success.

These notes would give me some slight reprieve, until a total relapse not long thereafter.

Then, it was right back to:

-Wake up in the morning (porn in the bathroom)

-Daven (porn in between, if possible)

-Head out to work (porn on my beautiful commute)

-Arrive to work (sneak porn in as much as possible)

-Get some work done (masturbate in the bathroom)

Come out feeling strangely focused, yet sick of myself

-Back to work, come home, help with kids, learn for a few minutes

-Maariv, (back to porn, till the “finish line” at 2AM)

-Wife out on errands? Porn.

-Wife in the shower? Porn.

-Wife on the phone? Porn on the other side of the hallway.

I’d follow through on one note, and cross out the dates, adding sad new ones in their place.

Those were pretty dark times.

So, maybe success really does come in different sizes and flavors. For some, that may mean “kicking it”. Yet for some, the struggle continues, and we don’t always manage to stay clean. That does not mean you aren’t a success.

I carefully tucked that sad, somewhat crumpled piece of paper back into my wallet. I want it with me wherever I go. I need it there forever, to remind me of what I was and how far I’ve come.

Success is real, and boy, does it taste sweet!

youknowwho wrote on 08 Aug 2024 18:25:

This post is a hall of famer! Wow!

My absence from these pages caused me to miss your last couple of posts, Tom. 

Here’s a warm hug, and a hand on your shoulder. I’m glad that you can feel the growth and goodness and your extraordinary progress in living, even while the scarlet thread of pain still punctuates the fabric of your interior landscape. 

Let’s put it like this: “It seems that you have been, at last, looking in the right places”. 

I know you’re gonna get to where you want to go. Let it go slowly. You cannot speed the growth of a fruit tree by over-watering. You are a towering tree, splendid, majestic and broad. You will yet fully flower and blossom. . 

Faith, Tom. 

באהבה רבה, 
אלבוס