Hi all, I have been lurking in the background here for a few months and after a couple of very successful months of inner reflection and growth, the time has come for me to step out of the shadows.

My story is "run of the mill", if such a thing exists. To start, I am in my early twenties and in shidduchim. I was exposed to porn and masturbation from a young innocent age, slowly but surely progressing from inappropriate images to the deep end of that world. Mainly driven by a simple curiosity, but also a complete negligence to the wrongness of such behavior, this has gone completely unchecked for about a decade of my life. By the time I had eventually grasped the negative momentary and long-term effects, I was already deep enough in to assuage my instinctive feelings and to rationalize my actions. I never really had the desire to change and, therefore, never put in even a half-attempt at effecting any real change of sorts.

The journey began anew with a small, and at the time insignificant, decision to have check this place out. After discovering an incredible, insightful group of people here and the amazing, palatable research made available on this site, I started to turn inwards and realize what needed to be done and, most importantly, why it needed to be done. To place my struggle in a broader perspective, allowed me to understand my situation and the appropriate attitude towards it. All the eye-opening wisdom shared by everyone here has inspired me and helped laid the foundations for what is hopefully a successful journey till the very end. A "thank you" to all is certainly in order.

With Hashem's loving care, it has been about two months of real, noticeable change within. I now know a lot more about myself and what I am capable of, what makes me tick and what makes my Yetzer Hara tick. And I am still learning...

I have opened up to a Rebbe about this and even approached a therapist for further assistance. However, the next step on my journey seems to be "acquiring" an accountability partner for when the stormy seas rise again. One can never be too sure of oneself - of this I am sure.

Thanks for listening, and I am excited to be joining such an honorable crowd.

Thanks for coming out of the shadows! Teach us what works for you

Your thoughtful and contemplative tone reflects strength and depth. Welcome!
I'm pretty new here and I am very thankful that I made the decision to jump in.   Looking forward to learning from you.

hi justi, nice to hear from you.

i'm in a similar situation to you - early twenties in shiduchim about a decade of history w this stuff-, i joined gye a year ago, but only started getting more involved the last couple months.
it seems you're taking this seriously, and that you've already gained a bunch from the resources here.

wishing you tremendous hatzlacha, and looking forward to growing together

Welcome Justi! thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to step out of the shadows and open up about your struggles.
You are no longer alone, you've joined a wonderful community that will support you every step of the way.
I'm so glad to hear that you've been making progress in your journey towards recovery, and I look forward to hearing more about your experiences and what helped you.

Wishing you a complete recovery, and looking forward to share simchas together 
True self

Looking forward to hearing more from you! Welcome.

The fact that you have a rebbe that you are open with about these struggles is absolutely huge! Having someone real, someone you know and who knows you, is the way to go. We are looking forward to being your friends and watch your journey unfold

Thank you all for the gracious welcome!!

I, Be"H, will post here some methods and paradigm-shifters that positively affected my approach as they surface inside. And conversely, please comment and share your two sense - it is worth millions to me.

Welcome! 

Looking forward to seeing what you have to share.

Hatzlacha!

When does one transfer status from newcomer to old timer?

regardless it is exciting and refreshing to see a continuous flow of former lurkers sharing their stories and thoughts. 

I often think to myself that people that I interact with every day in the real world might very well be people with whom I interact on the forum

We can be all shapes colors and backgrounds here, but with the veil of anonymity, our thoughts and comments can stand as equals, and that is fascinating to me

 thanks for sharing

 keep coming back

"I don't want to marry the wife of a porn addict."

(Not sure if this applies to the marrieds)

justi wrote on 19 Jun 2023 10:09:

That means you don’t want to get married?

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 19 Jun 2023 23:02:

That means that he doesn't want to get married till he breaks free from his addiction.

Yes indeed, that is what I meant.

For me this line contains two motivations to quit. Firstly,  a reminder of the damage, pain and loss of potential caused by a porn addiction in marriage. I do not wish that on my future wife (nor myself) and I am in the position to ensure it doesn't happen.
Secondly, I remember hearing (not sure where) based on the first daf in Sotah, that one marries a spouse that is deserving of them. So, in simple terms, the more I improve my qualities now, the better qualities my future wife will have.

Therefore, I am taking advantage of the opportunity that Hashem has so kindly presented to me.

The following epiphany was a massive kick-starter for my journey, and it comes to mind because I actively implemented it today.

It's the realization that this journey is going to be a very painful one throughout.
It will get easier (and has already) as battles are won, however I know to recognize the incredible pain of not acting out and expect it, as it is only natural. Wherever the most pain is, there lies the biggest potential for growth. Accepting this puts my mind at ease. It's okay that it hurts. It's meant to hurt. Now I can embrace the pain and use it to propel me forwards.


I came across an unfiltered phone that I had previously used inappropriately, and the suggestion to just "check out some pics" gently planted itself in my head. I knew what I had to do, but only after recognizing the pain did I resolutely turn it off and move beyond.