Doing great, keep it up!

I saw this, and found it very precise & helpful, so I'd like to share it here;

“What is a marriage? Words. A commitment. We pledge ourselves to someone else. It’s probably the most significant commitment any of us can make, and it depends on our moral determination to honour it. A declaration of marriage doesn’t mean ‘We are man and wife so long as we find each other attractive or compatible; so long as we feel passion for one another; so long as we don’t meet someone else more attractive.’ It means ‘I will be with you whatever fate brings. I will stay loyal to you. When you need me, I’ll be there. When things are tough, I won’t walk away.’”

“By moralising the bond it lifts it to an altogether different plane. A personal commitment is stronger than passion or emotion or attraction. It is a pledge to share a life together, come what may.”

Celebrating Life, pp. 87–88 (By Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks zt"l)

Hey, true-self, my friend. I’m thinking about you and hoping that you’re ok. A mazaledike Gebentche Gut Voch 

Friday was the 10th Day! I Treated myself (and so did my wife), I felt a certain purity when I went to mikva, that I've not felt in a long time, I was mekabel the shabbos with joy & happiness, 10 clean days is not a small amount, especially in the situation that I'm in right now, I've had countless amounts of urges during the past week, some extremely intense as well.

The trouble started Shabbos afternoon, I took a nap afternoon (as every week), When I woke up I started masturbating (it's not something new to me though), After some time I managed to stop myself, it was very hard, I was at the verge of a fall, But the knowing that sunday night is very possibly going to be Mikvah night I could not afford myself to fall.

When I came home from Shul Motzei Shabbos, My wife told me that there might be a delay... I immediately started feeling that this is a sign from Hashem for what I've done just before, though I knew that its not.

Today I was between yes & no, on & off, Running from one Rav to the next....

Unfortunately It costed me a really bad fall, probably the worst since 3 month ago when I first joined GYE.

Don't have time to write more now, will continue tomorrow beH

P.S. For a few hours after the fall I did not think that I'll have the courage to post & update about my fall, but BH I'm about to click SUBMIT!

Thanks Eerie, for being a true friend and always making time for me, I'd probably not post this if not You!
And thanks BennyH for the listening and for the chizuk.

OH! BTW everything turned out to be fine and tonight is a special night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

true_self wrote on 18 Jun 2023 21:07:

You keep managing to be an inspiration even to veterans here. The context you describe sounds extremely stressful, don't let the yetzer hara distract you from the greatness you have achieved in the last 3 months.

And maybe use this opportunity to make another layer of security so that it will be harder for you to access next time.

You're incredible, keep inspiring everyone!

You are an Oived, a fighter, a growing work in progress and you are my friend. Keep going on ....

Yaakov Avinu,  after fighting with the Malach, received the name "Yisroel", and the reason given is because - "Ki Sorisa.... etc.... Vatuchal". For you have struggled and fought against a powerful Malacha and people and were victorious". So why isn't his name "VaTuchal"?!? For the victory?
The answer, Tayereh Yedid - is that what makes Yaakov Avinu so wondrously great is his willingness to struggle and fight against an impossible adversary. His eventual victory is besides the point. It is a gift. His grit to not go gently into the night, but to rage agaisnt the Malach, and to keep climbing and fight - that's what makes him, and you, so special.
Learn what you can from this experience and keep striving upwards!

[P.S. Shoutout to Ki Sorisa here - I'm guessing that this vort and understanding may be the source of your great username....]     

while im sorry to hear that you fell, there is so much to celebrate in your post (or should i say your week?) 10 days, notwithstanding intense urges, reaching out to guys and posting following a fall, this is all very inspiring. im glad you hit submit.

i hope you have the strength to get up from this. best of luck im rooting for you

Belated continuation.
Was very busy and did not have time to update.

I will to try to explain better what was going on that day (2 days ago) when I fell very badly.

Some facts:
- It was 4 weeks after my wife gave birth to our first child.
- 12 days after blocking YouTube entirely.
- 3 Days before making a pidyon haben.
- The 7th day of שבעה נקיים.
- 4 Weeks living in by my in-laws, no privacy...
During the 12 days after blocking YouTube, I had powerful waves of urges non-stop throughout the days, I knew that It's normal and even expected it, but it was sucking out all my energy, in a time when I needed it the most.
During this time, I started experiencing strong urges to watch porn, the first time since I've stopped watching porn when I joined GYE, I did not have easy access to porn, in order to get access I needed to install a specific app on my (so called) kosher phone through my laptop, and then delete the traces so that my wife should not catch me red handed, then I needed to connect my phone to wifi, (I managed to do that without knowing the code, when there's a will there is a way, if only I'd have such a strong desire to do more good things..... things would be different, but it's still not too late.) and finally download another app through that app. anyway, because its such a long a complicated process, the YH made me think that I'm safe and that I will never do that again. However the urges grew stronger and stronger...
Sunday my wife started her שבעה נקיים, though I did not feel very confident that she will succeed (because of the relatively early attempt), I did hope that she will things will get better beH, the first few days, I was a regular visitor by my Rav, then things got better BH, and hope was increasing.
I entered Shabbos very uplifted, and proud of my clean week, I felt in top of the clouds... However, Shabbos afternoon after my usual nap, I woke up and started masturbating, while fantasizing (its a common occurrence, and I did not yet find a way to improve it), I stopped after a few minutes, mainly because of the thought that Sunday night will very possibly mikvah night, and I can't afford myself to arrive with guilt...

I still have a lot to write, but it's getting late and I need to go to sleep.
Thanks for reading, to be continued beH

The best thing I can do before a fall is, to reach out to a friend.

The best thing I can do after I fell is, to reach out to two friends.

דאגה בלב איש ישיחנה לאחרים

Thank you, all my dear friends who are always here for me.

Day 7 (1 week)
BH the past week was pretty relaxed and I did not participate that strong urges as last time. But on the other hand I'm also not to excited with my achievement (perhaps its why I dont have strong urges).
Yesterday was my 1st wedding anniversary, I must conclude that I had a miraculous year together with my wife, not much of a honeymoon (ask anyone who's wife got pregnant 2 month after getting married), But we made the most of it, and we have built a fantastic, warm, loving & encouraging relationship, we BH understand each other's needs and do our best, It's a miracle that our relationship is how it is despite all hardships and extremely challenging times we went through (more to come one day, maybe..).
Right now I'm not in the best mood because things went very different than planned (hoped), My wife suddenly unexpectedly became a niddah (less than 6 days after she finally became clean from after birth, so plan A didn't work out....... Plan B was to go out bowling and eat out, But due to the extremely hot weather it was cancelled (there was no airco), After spending the day at home in the heat, we lost our appetites too, so plan B was down the drain...... We ended up playing a game, schmoozing, sharing gifts..... although we had a great time, I did not enjoy it much, probably because of the high expectations I had in advance.
Today in the morning I woke up after not sleeping well, because of the heat (You've probably already noticed that I can't bare heat), not in the best mood..... and started masturbating (out of habit), I stopped after 2-3 mins, got out of bed and took a shower.
I need to increase my motivation and add some gas.... (or more Glenlivet please ).
The day is still long, and there's still a lot to accomplish....

In VR - Love (fish love/lust) is a means, Sex is the goal.
In Reality - Sex is a means, Love is the goal.

Taking off our VR glasses and getting back to reality, takes 10x the time & effort than putting them on.

true_self wrote on 26 Jun 2023 13:12:

Perhaps we should spend some time on "Sex is a means." Is it? 'Means' to what? Maybe sex just is; why make it more than it might really be?

cordnoy wrote on 26 Jun 2023 13:58:

Nothing just is. everything has a purpose. And yes, men (sometimes) make it more than it is, But still is a means, not the only one, in truth only one out of many other.
I'm not yet permitted to learn Zohar, But you can 

Hey! I feel for you my friend. I'm sorry to hear that your anniversary plans didnt work out. 

It is very challenging when the wife becomes not clean after such a short period of being clean. But please dont let that drag you down. Your a strong fellow and you can overcome this challenge.

Kudos to you that you were able to stop the masturbating.

Keep rocking!