chaimoigen wrote on 04 Aug 2023 17:00:

Hashem's brachos come through wireless (but he doesn't need wifi) 

Chaim, You are the best!!! You open up my eyes to see חיים אמיתיים!

20 Days clean Thank god
In the past few weeks me and my wife have been riding (and it's seems that we continue to) the most bizarre roller-coaster ever! One moment it seemed that everything is perfect, calm and safe, and suddenly it felt as if our relationship has reached its end (don't worry it only felt so but deep within i knew that divorce is not happening, but sometimes our emotions take us over so strongly that we feel as if it's reality).
Right now my wife is very weak and in bed almost the entire day and of course understandably not in the greatest mood, she also feels her emotions stronger than ever before, I can blame it on hormonal imbalance (due to birth control) but it won't help me solve the problems.
As her husband and a father to my baby, I need to make sure she eats and rests, feed my baby, make some laundries, shop, clean etc. and I'm left with almost no energy to just spent some quality time with my wife, so she of course feels alone....
Never mind that I have zero energy to keep my eyes on the ball, and it of course badly affects my attraction to her.
I know that comparison is my biggest enemy right now, but i'm struggling to gain sanity over it, my mind just keeps on rushing with unwanted thoughts that seem to be uncontrollable, Any tips would be appreciated.
I writing this in order to get these feelings of my heart and try to connect with some friends.

All the best
True self

true_self wrote on 31 Aug 2023 22:13:

Sounds like you're going through a very hard time!
Also sounds like you're doing an absolute amazing job being dad mom and hubby.
I can totally empathize with you . Wife gets very sick when she's pregnant And i find myself in the exact same position .
Taking care of a sick wife , all the kids , the house , laundry , meals, carpools ect.
Exhausted.
Every day . 
For a few months.
But there was a light at the tunnel , and the darker the tunnel the brighter the light .
Hold on buddy - youre doing great!

true_self wrote on 31 Aug 2023 22:13:

My dear friend, I'm so sorry for your challenging time, be it for a happy reason. It is tough. Is cleaning help a possibilty? Do you have family that can possibly help with some meals? Is babysitting an option? My friend, like you wrote, we are only able to stretch so thin. You are doing a great job taking care of your wife. Please, take care of yourself, too. Get help wherever possible. Accept offers! Now is not the time to be proud and tell people that you can do it alone
And, my hugs, my friend. I'm  with you. We are all with you. It's vary hard. BeH your wife will get back to herself. Life will beH return to normal. And she will forever remember what you have done. And Hashem will too!

true_self wrote on 31 Aug 2023 22:13:

You are true and good, my friend.
These are very difficult situations you describe. One tip I feel comfortable giving:
It's ok to have thoughts. They happen. Comfort yourself: Remind yourself that they are just thoughts.  And move on and keep trucking. That's all.
The Nesivos Shalom writes that לא תתורו אחרי לבבכם  means that this Issur is not to have thoughts. Having thoughts isnt a problem. Its Dwelling On and exploring the thoughts that are a problem. Don't go there, don't get too hung up them. Just keep going on.

Keep your chin up. You're a special guy. Your wife is lucky to have you.
And so are we!!
Gut Shabbos!
Menucha Visimcha! 

true_self wrote on 31 Aug 2023 22:13:

Intro (which may be longer than my actual post on the topic at hand): Mr. TrueSelf and I have a nice (perhaps special) relationship, so don't you all pile on and say that Mr. Cordnoy is an S.O.B. (you can if you want; I truly don't care - truthfully, it probably even makes me feel good, so go for it!), as the contrarian in me says as follows: 

Mr. TrueSelf, welcome to the big leauges and marriage (baby - and all that comes with the bundle of joy, and all your extra travel); now, grow up and move the hell on!

Godspeed!

cordnoy wrote on 01 Sep 2023 17:07:

The contrarian in me wishes to accentuate that Mr. Cordnoy, besides bein' a contrarian, is also a good friend who specializes in tough love. And a good pirate. 

Godspeed!

cordnoy wrote on 01 Sep 2023 17:07:

Would have been better grow the hell up up and move on!
One thing has nothing to do with the next. Growing up & moving on doesnt negate the need for Chizzuk,
He is in slightly more of a trying circumstance 
Seems like hes doing a good job growing up & staying strong
But there aint nothing like a good kvetch to make someone feel better.

Thanks for sharing! We are all here for each other. We all are here because we struggle and sharing our struggles only helps us get better. Thanks you for sharing, because we each give each other Chizuk 

Hey my dear friend True Self - How are you doing?
Hope Shabbos was ok, maybe things looking up a little...  We are thinking about you and having you in mind!

In Lidovid we say קוה אל ה׳ חזק ואמץ לבך וקוה אל ה׳
This means that sometimes we need to be Michazeik ourselves in order that we can keep on hoping. Hope isn't to be taken for granted, but it's also a Bracha from Hashem that we can request. And he will answer.... לך אמר לבי בקשו פני...

Please keep in touch! Chin up!

מאן דבעי חיים

 Dear friends, thanks for all your chizzuk and sympathy.
I would like to celebrate my perhaps small victory I just had. Shabbos morning I woke up with an intense urge to masturbate, I believe that the urge occurred because I was up to 22 days clean which is lately my typical streak length, so my brain has developed a kind of pattern, it happens to be that my wife unexpectedly (meaning it was not supposed to happen) became a safek niddah on Friday, I don’t blame it as the cause to have an urge but it might have intensified the urge and definitely made it harder to resist.
BH I had the strength to stop after just a few seconds and succeeded in staying yet another day clean, THY!

@cordnoy, You are definitely a successful pirate , real friends say what needs to be said in the right time and right way.

Happiness in my life is NOT dependent on if my wife will wear a **** **** ******* with all kinds of styles that I like, or by her wearing ***** ***** ** *****, **** ******** **** ***** **** ****, **** ****** *** ******, the proof is that the men who’s wife do dress like that are not more happy because of it, because the YH pulls a person to always crave more than what he has… [from my special friend Heeling (shoutout) I learnt that one can be happy and gratified even when his wife dresses in a way that he doesn’t like or even hates], instead what going to really make me happy is, if I will reconnect (can’t remember last time I did this) with my inner conscious and listen, feel and do what I really want, desire, admire and aspire to, it is to express my hidden strength by keeping my eyes in control, not looking at every girl/woman passing my sight, stop comparing and slowly but surely shift my focus back on my wife’s inner beauty, qualities and unconditional love (I used to think of them more often).

Yes, I know that it’s extremely difficult and I might not succeed in looking away from tempting scenes the entire day or even just for several hours/minutes/seconds, nevertheless it’s not an excuse not to start or to give up, because every single time I close my eyes and look away, it makes me a greater and better person/husband, it reduces my resentment and makes me feel more satisfied with myself and what I have (my dear wife), getting yet another step closer to my ultimate goal.

YES! It is possible for me to achieve greatness, to watch my eyes and not automatically be carried away by every thing that catches its attention. I can and am in control of my eyes, heart and mind, by filling them up with positive views, emotions and thoughts. I can be completely connected to my dear wife and be attracted only to her. I am capable of creating a wonderful relationship in which she can feel that the only woman in the world I’m interested in and really want to be with, look at, connect, enjoy and spend my entire life with is her!

-[A note written to myself that I should constantly review and practice].

P.S. My wife told me that she’s not willing to go to mikvah as long as I engage emotionally with other women on the street, it makes her feel unloved and unhappy with herself.
I accept, understand and respect her feelings and don’t blame her, and I hope to get help to be able to improve matters before it’s too late.

All the best.

Great last two posts!

Love every word. Keep it up! your an inspiration, your a wonderful husband and you will IYH reach your ultimate goals (and so will I and everyone else here).

Wow, amazing posts, keep us posted!

Oops! I fell.