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TOPIC: Saying hi at last! 461 Views

Saying hi at last! 17 Apr 2023 14:14 #394559

huds
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Hey,

I joined gye sometime ago but never wrote anything just enjoyed reading everyone else’s.

But now I need a boost, its been a life long battle of p&m. b’H haven’t watched in over 6 months. I’ve just set my Filters all the way up and got rid of my phone during zman, every time I fall I raise my filter higher - by now my filter is pretty high:surprised:

I had the longest clean streak I’ve had in ages, after I got suggested a girl, B’H im engaged. But then soon after boom right back to my old habits how do I pull my self out? I know I can as I’ve just done it and most of the time I wasn’t even missing it, I felt freer and happier?

Re: Saying hi at last! 17 Apr 2023 14:42 #394561

davidt
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HUDS wrote on 17 Apr 2023 14:14:

Hey,

I joined gye sometime ago but never wrote anything just enjoyed reading everyone else’s.

Welcome to the GYE forum!
One of the best pieces of advice that works for many members is to take the struggle only “one day at a time.” Try never to focus on the future or wonder how we will manage. We must learn to live in the present only, focusing on staying "clean" or "sober" right NOW. When we focus on the future, we can easily fall. It’s like someone walking a tightrope; if he looks down, it becomes so much harder not to fall. Therefore, when feeling weak we can tell ourselves, “just for today, I will stay clean.” “Just for this moment, I will stay clean.” The past and the future are out of our hands and belong only to Hashem. When we feel that we are about to fall, we may even tell ourselves that we reserve the right to act out tomorrow. We are not making a decision now for life. However, just for today we will do whatever we can to stay clean.

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @ ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Saying hi at last! 17 Apr 2023 15:12 #394564

Captain
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HUDS wrote on 17 Apr 2023 14:14:

Hey,

I joined gye sometime ago but never wrote anything just enjoyed reading everyone else’s.

Great to hear from you!

You might want to try thinking about your last three falls:
--What led up to them or caused them?
--What way did you fall, and what did you use to fall (if it was a device, etc.)?
--And is there any lesson you can learn from them to prevent them or to safeguard yourself? Or to be prepared before you are in a similar situation so you will be on guard and not asleep to the challenge that might come.
These are some things to think about. (No need to post your answers if you are not comfortable or if they might be triggering to others. But if you post the lessons you learned, others might be able to learn something from them as well.)

Also, to keep your motivation up it's a good idea to read from something motivating every day. I highly recommend The Battle of the Generation. It's a real game-changer. See the link below in my signature.

In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

If you're only ready to try something small, check out an easier way to do self-talk here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain—Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Last Edit: 17 Apr 2023 15:14 by Captain.

Re: Saying hi at last! 17 Apr 2023 18:02 #394570

grant400
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HUDS wrote on 17 Apr 2023 14:14:

Hey,

I joined gye sometime ago but never wrote anything just enjoyed reading everyone else’s.

Hey there, welcome!

Great streak. 6 months is very nice. it seems the way you accomplished that was by running away. That's great. Thats necessary and you cannot be successful without distancing from triggers.

But are you working on yourself? Learning how to face a challenge and calmly say a firm no? You wrote that after every fall, you just keep improving your filters and preventing access - but what about you? Are you changing at all?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for filters and can only stay clean by limiting my access with filters & screenshot accountability in a very intense way. Without filters I'll eventually crumble (at this point).

But...

As long as you don't work on changing you, you will continue on the same cycle. Clean for a while, fall, freak out, close the loop hole, feel good, find a new loop hole, fall, freak out....you get the point.

Once you become stronger - even when you discover a loop hole, suddenly gain access via a new avenue or have a stressful day you can remain in control and remove yourself from the situation.

"Just Regular Movies"
Grant's Rants
The Story Teller & Related Threads
The Five Languages of Love
Embarrassing Things We All Do and Think

Re: Saying hi at last! 17 Apr 2023 18:07 #394572

horizon
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hi!

6 months?? hello you're a gibbor!
please dont let a fall define you, and don't let anyone take away your previous successes. i like to look at it like a diet: if you kept the diet for six months and then slipped and had a cookie, its foolish to say that you're starting over again and didn't accomplish anything. (btw, i find this to be a fault w this heilige site and haven't seen it discussed the fact that the success tracker restarts can be a letdown. not that i have an alternative.)
another point to consider is the circumstances in which you fell. it's possible that you're at a stage where you haven't been before, and haven't learned how to deal with struggles from that position.
i think @davidt and @captain gave you some solid ideas to think about.

mazal tov on your upcoming wedding!! may it be with all of hashem's brachos.

p.s. i'm curious how you dealt this issue with your kallah: did you discuss it? if not do you plan on? if you're fine discussing this i would appreciate it. you can pm me if you'd rather.

טאטע טאטע טאטע איך וויל זיין, יא איך וויל זיין, א ירא שמים

my forum

Re: Saying hi at last! 17 Apr 2023 23:15 #394597

eerie Current streak: 853 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1606	Please refer to this post before talking with your wife about your struggles guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/394492-Telling-our-wives#394509 Hatzlacha! And way to go on your massive accomplishments up until here
	Feel free to say hi. My email is 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com

Re: Saying hi at last! 17 Apr 2023 23:30 #394601

huds
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Grant400 wrote on 17 Apr 2023 18:02:

But...

As long as you don't work on changing you, you will continue on the same cycle. Clean for a while, fall, freak out, close the loop hole, feel good, find a new loop hole, fall, freak out....you get the point.

Once you become stronger - even when you discover a loop hole, suddenly gain access via a new avenue or have a stressful day you can remain in control and remove yourself from the situation.

Thanks, How do i change me?

Re: Saying hi at last! 18 Apr 2023 01:04 #394607

grant400 Current streak: 3 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1490 Karma: 173	Stick around, connect, read through as many threads as you can, Flight to Freedom program and all the tools GYE has to offer. Important as well - post, post, post.
	"Just Regular Movies" Grant's Rants The Story Teller & Related Threads The Five Languages of Love Embarrassing Things We All Do and Think

Re: Saying hi at last! 18 Apr 2023 17:57 #394637

iwillmanage
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Horizon wrote on 17 Apr 2023 18:07:

please dont let a fall define you, and don't let anyone take away your previous successes. i like to look at it like a diet: if you kept the diet for six months and then slipped and had a cookie, its foolish to say that you're starting over again and didn't accomplish anything.

Well said! ‘We're not defined by our relapses but by our decision to remain in recovery despite them’ (-anonymous quotable).
And I liked your diet analogy. It reminded me of a recent post in the F2F hub which I thought puts it well:

Imagine a diabetic dieting from sugar.

An 'extreme' dieter is an all or nothing kind of person.

If he is extreme, he won't have even a small measure of sugar. If he does have a small measure of sugar, his diet stopped and he has to start his diet all over from the beginning.
He also beats himself up for taking that sugar.

A normal dieter:
He knows that all his life he took sugar, he eats sugar, he likes sugar, so of course he craves and wants sugar.
His long-term plan is to stop having sugar, but it makes sense every single time he cheats a little bit and has some sugar. So he's on a diet to stop full sugar, but he understands that once in a while, especially in the beginning, and then after being a few weeks clean it will happen again, and then after being a few months clean it might happen again.
He understands that he will cheat once in a while because that's what his body and mind is used to.

It's really the same thing here, but for some reason when it comes to the porn and masturbation diet we're all from the 'extreme' type.

Re: Saying hi at last! 18 Apr 2023 21:17 #394654

Hashem Help Me Current streak: 2918 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 4068	Make sure to speak with a solid chosson rebbi or mentor NOW to prepare properly for marriage. The toxic info in your brain has to be completely removed for both of your sakes. Be honest as to what your history has been - which is unfortunately much more common than you probably realize. There are people here in GYE that can advise you as well.
	Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Saying hi at last! 19 Apr 2023 02:45 #394665

crabapple18
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HUDS wrote on 17 Apr 2023 23:30:

Thanks, How do i change me?

I can only share my own experience.

Having a network of people I trust to discuss these things with is very important to me. (They also get the fun job of calling me out on stuff)

I have also found a couple of Rabbeim I trust, but those took time.

The most important thing for me is not to live with secrets in my head. Having others I know won’t judge me helps.

Oh and yes the friend network took time too. I did have to be vulnerable. You’d be surprised by the positive response you can get from friends.

Like everything in life, don’t share this sort of stuff with the guy you wouldn’t “borrow” camps Golf Carts at 2AM

Here to see what works for others and a good shmooze.
Always here to share my journey N' what works for me.
Feel free to reach out 24/6 charlesbosgod@gmail.com
One day at a time! Today is what counts. RULE 62. It’s the first drink that gets me drunk.
“Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future and [a] mystery.Today matters most”
One lust drink is too many and a thousand isn't enough.
**Its a part of me, not who I am**

Re: Saying hi at last! 21 Apr 2023 01:01 #394773

eccentriccomposer Current streak: 299 days OFFLINE Gold Boarder Posts: 222 Karma: 29	Mazal Tov and Hatzlacha Rabba, you sound incredible! Keep posting!
	I am not active on the forums anymore so much, but I check my email daily, please reach out to me! Feel free to message me if you need anything, I'll try to respond as soon as I can. I hope I can help! Email: eccentriccomposer01@gmail.com Eccentric Trip to Freedom Daily Dose