"Sometimes there urges just won't go away and I feel like I might as well get over with it so I can start fresh cuz I'm anyways gonna fall in the end. I know that this is faulty thinking due to the habit that I've created for myself and an urge doesn't necessarily mean that I'm gonna fall, but it's still hard to listen to the voice in my head telling me that when the urges hit."

Rabbeinu YHMV Shlit"a,

That was me 469 days ago. Precisely mamash. In fact, I feel like doing it right now, but B"H I am too deeply rewired.

Speak to HHM and he will explain to you what it means to be "rewired". I used to call him more often...but nowadays I do so less 'cuz I know exxaacctlllyyy what he'll say : )

My personal "game changer" was the accountability of having to honestly report nightly to the GYE frat. I just couldn't let the oilam down.

Boruch Hashem for such friends. Unpayable debt.

Feel free to PM me and I can explain more.

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It's been a while since I posted. The phone that I use now is filtered with Google Family Link and I have Webchaver so I bh don't have the same problem that I had a while ago of having unfiltered internet within the GYE app (I know, I know, no filter is perfect, but this seems to be doin the trick for the few apps and whitelisted websites that I have on my phone).

I've had a lot of ups and downs over the last bunch of months, but bh over all I've been doing much better (Thank you so so much Reb HHM for always being there at all times of the day for chizuk. You're literally keeping me afloat!).

I've found that in general from day to day I'm usually able to control my urges, but I start getting overwhelmed once the withdrawal urges start hitting (by me, more a less from after about a week clean). I know that there's nothing forcing me to give in to them, and it'll pass after a few days if I just do nothing, but it's (obviously) hard to keep telling myself that over and over again for days on end.

I think that is the first time that I don't have any easy way for me to access porn on my phone (Y'all who prob figured out ways around this filter, plz don't give me any ideas . This is the first real parental controls and accountability that I've put on, and I want it to be the last.). I'm hoping that it will be enough to keep me away from porn. I've been avaraging longer clean streeks than I used to which is bh definitely an improvement.

Just an update after not posting for a while. I'm looking forward to being back here at GYE.

You sound amazing, Yosef HaTzaddik! You keep shteiging, and you really want to go even further! Keep it up, you're an inspiration to us all

I had a fall. Been pushing it off for a few days, but had a rough day, lost the strength to continue fighting, and I gave in and masturbated (still clean from porn).

Here's what I've found with my falls. I'm bh happy with my situation in Yeshivah (Rebbeim, friends, chavrusas etc.). I've always had a hard time with showing up to סדרים and חברותות on a consistent basis. Recently, I've bh been doing much better overall, but there are still times (more often than I think is normal) that I either won't sleep well the night before and then sleep in the next day, or for whatever reason my head won't be in it and I won't learn well, and I'll just feel like I'm aimlessly shlepping myself through the day. It's usually after getting stuck in a rut like this for a few days that I wonder why I can't just pull myself together and I start feeling empty inside, lose the will to fight, and give in to the urge and masturbate.

Sometimes I make it through, and get to a week or more of staying clean. At that point I usually start experiencing much stronger urges (withdrawal). I know that if I don't give in, then the urge will eventually pass. I try my best not to pay attention, to it, but usually after a few days of the urge sitting on the back burner, I feel like it keeps getting stronger and stronger and it's just not going away, and I can't take it anymore, so I give in.

I've bh grown in the sense that usually when I fall, it's only after I already said No for a few days. It's just that I feel nasty and empty anyways, so why should I keep having this extra burden of the urge constantly torturing me, or I feel like I can't hold out anymore, so I give in.

I know that if I don't give in to an urge, he's not gonna bight me; there's nothing forcing me to give in. I know that the urge will eventually pass if I don't give in. I think I'm pretty conscious too of as to exactly what I'm doing and why I'm doing it when I give in (trying to escape feeling ichy, or I feel like the urge will never go away, or it's too much for me to bear). I also know pretty dang well, that giving in will make me feel worse not better.

Therefore, I just don't understand why I still give in as much as I do. I know that this takes a lot of time to really change, but I don't think that how often I fall matches up with where I'm really holding (I know that it's not just about the amount of days, but this still doesn't make sense to me). When I fall, I'm pretty conscious about how much I really want to be clean and what I have to either gain or lose, and I think that it should stop me from falling more than it does. The whole thing just doesn't make any sense to me. I would really appreciate if someone can plz shed some light on what I'm missing here.

Have you tried urge surfing?

Yosefhamevakesh wrote on 14 Jan 2023 19:56:

Hi Yosefhamevakesh. I have been in the situation you describe. For several years I was free of porn but continued to be stuck in the rut of masturbating multiple times per week. I was so frustrated by this. After all, I was so meticulous in guarding my eyes! The answer is simple: guarding your eyes is just the beginning. The rest of the journey to success lies learning how to move on from fantasies that enter our mind.

I want to zoom in on 5 words you wrote. I have bolded and put them in red above. You masturbated, but you did not look at porn while doing so. I thus want you to ask yourself the following question: Since you were not looking at porn when you masturbated, what were you thinking about while doing that act?

From personal experience, I can tell you that you must have been lusting about a girl you saw on the street or a video you have seen in the past. It is simply so crucial to realize that this is what is going on. It is the focusing on a sexually provocative thought suitable for masturbating to that enables each acting out. If you don't do this, you will not masturbate.

So what are you supposed to do? The next time imagery like this enters your brain, try what Hashem Help Me mentioned: urge surfing. You need to be able to see thoughts and fantasies as waves that will either come and go, OR come and stay because we choose to focus on them. By relaxing the mind and deciding to move on, you will be able to avoid fall after fall after fall. And an hour later, you don't need to check in on the thought and make sure it's gone!!

Urge surfing is really so crucial. Do not fight thoughts. Let them ebb as you move on with your life. Do not re-attend to them.

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 15 Jan 2023 17:13:

I'm not sure if I'm fully understand the whole urge surfacing technique. I don't really physically have an urge anywhere in my body to observe, it's just these images replaying in my head and this craving to masturbate.

What I think I'm getting out of what I checked out on urge surfacing is that instead of getting caught up in the urge, I'm supposed to sort of observe it as a force that is telling me to do something, and if I accept it instead of fighting it, it will eventually go away.

I don't mind trying this next time, but I feel like I'm still missing something here, bec I usually try to not get caught up in an urge, but eventually, I do. I don't really understand how the observing part is supposed to work. Plz fill me in

Yosefhamevakesh wrote on 17 Jan 2023 21:56:

This is exactly as I wrote above. It is always the images and the imagination. Always. I can't say it enough times. Failure to realize this point held me in chains for years. People do not think about this and do not realize it. The root of every masturbation, without exception, is a fantasy in the mind. If you move your mind on to another thought, you cannot masturbate.

When these images enter your mind, what's your initial reaction? Please respond to this post with your answer.

In order to get successful at urge surfing, you have to learn how to make your reaction to these thoughts be no different than noticing that a certain car passing you is yellow. You have to let lustful thoughts that enter your mind become like ordinary thoughts in that you don't focus your mind's spotlight on them, but rather just let them leave your mind and forget about them, just like you can't remember the colors of the cars that passed you today even though you did notice them. You can train your mind to see thoughts as passing waves. They come, and they go. You focus on what you want to focus on. The rest is gone. This technique can lead you to freedom. So often a person feels "doomed" as soon as a lustful thought enters his mind. "It's only a matter of time now before I have to masturbate!" WRONG!! That is literally falsehood! You don't have to do anything except let the thought leave your mind by moving your mind on to other thoughts. It's never "only a matter of time". That yetzer hara got me SO many times before I realized the שקר in that thinking.

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 17 Jan 2023 23:56:

My initial reaction to an image that pops into my head is usually to continue thinking about it. Many times I'll catch myself and divert my thoughts to something else.

I usually have a fall after I have an urge (which isn't always necessarily from an image, sometimes I just feel like I really wanna masturbate) and I keep diverting my mind from images, but they keep coming back and keep getting more intense. Eventually all I can think about is masturbating, and I give in.

I guess what I gotta work on is,
 1. To keep diverting my thoughts from images in my mind, even if the images don't stop coming.
&
2. Work on the mindset that just because I feel like the urges and images will never go away, it doesn't automatically mean that I'm going to fall, and if I keep making sure not to get caught up in the urge and thoughts, they'll eventually go away. (Gonna need a lotta work on this one.)

Hi,
Welcome to GYE! a lot of what you described brings back memories of where I was just 6 months ago (now on day 58). Being hooked even with only occasional access and trying to stop but nothing seems to work fully.
I would like to offer some chizuk to you as you asked and hopefully it can help. First is to recognize the tremendous accomplishment you have made: 1) Recognizing the problem and wanting to fix it (which is the first step in teshuvah and according to R' Yonah merits you a good judgement in yomim noraim) 2) Reaching out to mentors/Rabbeim for help and implementing the strategies (you're actually fighting the battle instead of just ignoring it), and 3) You went from once or twice a day to once a week! That's a difference of %85! this is amazing!
Also to recognize that wars are not won in a day, they are made of many battles in which some you will win and some you will lose, but with each battle you can revise your strategies in order to emerge victorious in the next fight.
You/We are fighting a war with the yetzer harah. You cannot expect to quickly vanquish his hold on you, it will take time and it will take learning more about the yetzer and about yourself. So far it seems that you are fighting a good battle and winning many times, the tide of war may be changing.
Focus on your accomplishments and realize that the expectation of totally changing your habits quickly is not likely, but over time with a solidly laid out plan It can be done and has been done my many before you.
Please keep posting about your journey for it lends others the chizuk they need to forge ahead.
Hatzlachah, we are all rooting for you!

Recently, I've been noticing a bit more consciously, that many times when I see a women in the streets, my mind will start fantasizing; and I've been trying to let the images pass instead of latching onto them. I still have a really really long way to go, but I'm starting to be a little bit more observant of my thoughts which I guess is a step in the right direction.

Also a bit on this topic, I was listening to Rabbi Shafiers' series "The Fight",  and he mentioned something that I found insightful (this is my understanding of what he was saying): The real battle isn't whether or not to act out upon fantasies. The real battle is to not get caught up in the fantasies. If we let our minds wander and think about all diff types of fantasies, we can't expect ourselves to stay clean; much like an alcoholic who keeps getting bruised when drunk, who takes balancing lessons so he won't get hurt. The lessons won't help him when he can't see straight; the only way for him to not get hurt, is to make sure to not get drunk in the first place. So too, we gotta do our best not to get caught up in our thoughts, and like that, it'll be possible to stay clean, cuz we won't have anything to act out on.

You hit the nail on the head!

Hashem Help Me wrote on 30 Jan 2023 12:13:

Seems like I needed to hear what y'all were telling me, a buncha times and from diff angles for it to bh start sinking in.

A week clean bh.
I got to a week many many times before, but for the first time, I actually thought about the fact that even if at some point in the future I fall, I still accomplished staying clean for this past week; so i did something small to celebrate like HHM (and many others) always said to do.