So I just came from the teen forum after turning 18 so I thought I should introduce myself to the forum here. Here's just a little background to me: 

I've been struggling with p and m for over 12 years now, and during the earlier of those years I wasn't even able to produce seed but the desire was nonetheless there even as young as I was then. I still explicitly remember the first time I did it when my aunt brought her laptop and left it with me while she ran some errands. It wasn't p explicitly then but just arayot which was made known to me through the goyish world and things that I already had a desire to see, so that's what led me to initially seek this stuff on her laptop and eventually it led to me discovering p when I got my own laptop and computer. And I really wouldn't feel guilty at all, only fearful that I would be caught, and so I would do it numerous times a day in my younger years.

Now I'm here baruch Hashem changing my lifestyle and trying to get closer to Hashem and His Torah so I realized that much of my behavior is wrong including this one and that it needs to be fixed. Just a few days ago Baruch Hashem I was able to get the filter I was using previously to work again and now it's up and running on my computer with my mom being able to see my searches and me being only able to view allowed websites. My phone is also filtered in the same manner with apple screen time, so no app store and my safari browser is on allowed websites only with no other browsers or apps that can show me arayot. But I still have some problems: 

I feel like I'm trapped and it's creating this sense of desperation in me even though I have been able to combat this desire without feeling this desperate or trapped or weak. So what I'm saying is that the filters are the source of this new feeling which I didn't experience before until getting all of my devices filtered. I also feel like I might act as desperate as an addict would in regard to this. Please, if there's any information or chizuk you can give me on this for me to avoid this feeling and thought process I would really appreciate it. (The sense of being trapped by the way isn't from the filters itself, I don’t feel like I can't freely roam the internet because I added all the sites that I use on a regular basis that are kosher but secular from fedex to optimum to religious sites like Torah Anytime or itorah.) I also live with a step father who can't stand me and used to call me names under his breath whenever he would see me. He was removed from my home in the pandemic for treating my mom badly but he's living again with us and when he is in the home I also feel trapped in that regard because I don't want to look at that rasha so I can't freely travel in my home when he's there.  

I also haven't told my mom about my struggle so she thinks I'm being frum or something although I think that she sort of has an understanding of my struggle. So the problem here is that I can go to her and ask her to take off the filters temporarily so I can access a site and then put it on the allowed websites and actually then give in to watching p or allowing YouTube so I can fulfill the desire in that regard and she wouldn't suspect a thing or monitor me while doing this. I also have a dismantled smart TV that is under my bed that can't have any filters on it and that can freely access the internet. In this regard I have no idea what to do but if I start acting like a deprived addict I will likely fall in these ways.

My biggest problem is this though: I injured my shoulder, the same one with which I did the act for most of my life, in a very severe way and I've been recovering from it since March. Most of the time was spent getting bedrest and doing the schoolwork I had in great pain. The doctor's said it looked like I was hit by a car or tackled by an NFL player from the nature of the injuries I sustained but neither of these things happened. Now I was already sort of lazy before the injury but afterward I'm very lazy now and my body also feels like it's getting frail from my laziness. This laziness is something I really have to combat but I really don't have much do to even in regards to studying. I really want to sit down and study but after a while my back starts to hurt and I lose interest and go lay down as I've been used to now after the injury. And the sefarim I have are beautiful and full of so much wisdom like sefer chofetz chaim from artscroll and I need to know this stuff to be a shomer mitzvot Jew. I'm also very lonely and I have been for most of my life until middle school where I would hang around this one group and go to a friend's house and they were all idol worshipping catholics/christians or secular. That was certainly to my benefit because I was raised around goyim like a goy and I eventually fell out of touch with that group in high school baruch Hashem but the problem of loneliness still exists. I was friends with a few Jews from the high school but they are all secular and my interaction with them was just conversations on this topic of immorality (in a bad way) and immoral jokes and lashon hara. I was also friends with goyim and engaged in similar activities with them but I have cut ties with all goyim entirely and with those Jews that I knew also. I have no idea what to do in this regard but I feel like very lonely and I know I should connect with a Jewish community but the type of community I'm looking for is sephardi and that is pretty far away from me.    

Please help me in these regards if you can.

Hey tzaddik! Beautiful first post! With lots of self-awareness! There’s a lot of amazing people here that will help you with the right hadracha! A lot of great recourses you can find here! Hashem should give you a refuah shelema in regards to your shoulder, and it should heal quickly :-) I can share with you a nice lesson that can help you maybe have the right mindset on this struggle.. 

“Tried everything”

Shmuel - has a struggle with porn.. he gets triggered and falls every now and then… he can’t seem to overcome this struggle.

Yehuda- a supportive friend.

This is a conversation that took place between shmuel and Yehuda..

shmuel- “I keep falling I’m so depressed I can’t do this anymore”

Yehuda- “it’s never too late keep trying”

Shmuel- “but I tried everything nothing seems to work”

Yehuda- “wow that must be so hard”

A couple hours later…

Shmuel- “I think I can do this..”

Yehuda- “wow! So nice what will you do differently”?!

Shmuel- “I’m gonna get a stronger filter”

Yehuda- “but this is your 6th time doing that.”

Shmuel- “yea but maybe this time it’ll work”

Yehuda - “if someone gave you 1 million dollars if you stop watching porn for the next 365 days… is that all you would put in place to make sure you don’t fall?”

Shmuel- speechless.

Yehuda- that’s how you know if a plan has a good chance… that’s how you know when you tried…

Shmuel- hmm…

Yehuda- is suffering from porn with all the misery for years worth less then 1 million dollars?

Shmuel- no, way more then a million.. the pain is so way more intense…

Yehuda- if for a million dollars you’d do a lot more then the above plan…to take someone out of the deep ocean to happy free person shouldn’t we Forsure do the same?

Lesson is -

Guys, you know when you tried- if you were to get 1 million dollars if this plan succeeds for 365 days.. would the plan just be a better filter?

Or…….

Yea the plan could be a lot better. I should tell my mom about this to make sure she monitors me in regards to this because I think I have the best filter I can get for my device. It's a microsoft computer so I have microsoft family safety which blocks other browsers and gives my mom a lot of control over my device and she can see my searches even if they get blocked. The problem is that since she doesn't know my struggle if I ask her to turn off the filters (in which case she can still see my searches) she'll listen and then I can go onto to youtube and tell her it was for educational reasons when it's really to look at arayot. So I should tell her then to avoid this and have the most help I can get. Any ideas of how to tell my mom about this? 

I should also then throw out my smart tv which is going to sting but it's pretty old anyway so I might as well. Or at least maybe some way of getting rid of it from under my bed to another place where I can't access it.

You are a hero. The gemara says that once one has repeated an aveira multiple times he begins to consider it permitted. Yet despite 12 years of filth which you repeatedly experienced while still young and without the tools to cope with it, yet you are still fighting and trying to do the right thing. Hashem is very proud of you. Keep it up!

Maybe ask the moderators to move over your great posts from the teen forum.

Do you speak with anyone? That would help with the loneliness... regarding your mother, you know her best. Will she cooperate with tightening up the computer matzav in the end? If yes, is it not worth that little discomfort which will be temporary?

I do but I’ve also distanced myself from them. I live close to an orthodox askenazi community but the community is not a thriving one and the people in shul do a lot of things they aren’t supposed to do in shul so I kept myself from going there. I might go there tomorrow though to speak with one of the frumer Jews there. And my mom would definitely help me a lot in this regard and it is worth the discomfort but it’s still nonetheless uncomfortable. I have to make a plan to minimize the discomfort and it would only be temporary but it’ll help get rid of the anxiety and stress of doing it.

So today with Hashem's help I was able to tell my mom about my struggles and she was very understanding and wasn't judgmental at all. So I can now start the 90 day challenge with a strong foundation so I'm restarting the streak I had because I anyway lost by watching. Even this morning I gave into to watching arayot on youtube (which for me is worse than actual p, when was younger and I had no problem engaging in this behavior, I would often go on there instead of watching p despite being able to watch it) but that's behind me now. My yetzer tried and succeeded to get me to choose to fall but I at least didn't m with Hashem's help. I guess that was its last-ditch effort to make this battle of mine harder...for now...  

Anyway today marks 40 days since I last m which is my highest streak ever from m. I remember trying to get to this number of days before for about a year before discovering GYE but I could never make it. Baruch Hashem I have made it this far and with Hashem's help hopefully, I will continue guarding myself from this.

Very inspirational thread.
Very impressed by your honesty and strong will to get out of these behaviours.

You are dealing with these temptations in the best way: To avoid situations in which you could get caught up... To have filters. To make someone a "Shomer". etc.
As it says in the Passuk:
בתחבולות תעשה לך מלחמה
To find ways how to beat the YH without confronting him.

You are lucky to be working on this at your stage. I wish I would have been heeled from all the shmutz before I was married...

Keep going. Keep posting.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

hey your awesome! i can totally relate! for me the easypeasy method was eye opening check it out easypeasymethod.org/easypeasy.pdf

So how has it been since telling your mother?

It’s been pretty good so far. She told me that she’ll monitor my search history and website visit history. She can do that both through apple screen time and Microsoft family safety. That’s what’s been keeping me in check. One problem now though is that I have a hard time keeping inappropriate thoughts out of my head now as I previously struggled with. Maybe it’s because I watched p and other arousing stuff not to long ago (3-4 days ago I think) and that’s usually when I get those sort of flashbacks in my thoughts and dreams. I try not to give them thought in fantasying about them and that’s how I deal with them now and hopefully with time and study they’ll go away. 

Amazing!
As for the thoughts, I think it's like a scab. don't pick and it'll go away. If you're the daydreaming type, save a thought, question, future plan or story to think about when these thoughts come up. Just don't form any associations.

Very normal and expected to have these thoughts for a while. Wet dreams happen also frequently when one stops actively arousing one's self. Ignore all involuntary thoughts. It is the subconscious at work. It will iyh eventually diminish and fade. Accept the reality that your memory is full of garbage and it takes a while for it all to be buried...... Make sure not to rekindle the images by watching or purposely fantasizing.

So I found a loophole with a new update that was installed that added a new feature to my browser. I didn’t actively seek this out but I clicked it out if curiosity and I realized the filter won’t work on with that feature. I didn’t watch as long as I did last time but I have to wait until probably after tomorrow morning to get the issue fixed because I can’t with the Rasha in my house. So as soon as he leaves I’ll be able to fix it but I don’t know when that is and so I’ll probably give in to watch again if I’m not able to fix it as soon as possible. But I really need some motivation or some strategies for the time being. I’m in a pretty bad situation and I don’t want to watch another second of it but the desire is killing me especially now that I know this is my last chance of looking at it. 

And I can screen record but I blocked all the apps and software to play the recording back to me so I just really need to get through tomorrow and after getting the new feature disabled I’ll be able to browse with the filter again.

Ok so I was able to disable it this morning baruch Hashem and I didn't watch anything today. For those who are using microsoft family safety and are interested in fixing this loophole let me know. As a prerequisite it requires that you have a parent/guardian as the administrator on the computer whose password you don't know. It may be that the new feature doesn't exist at all on your computer but it's always best to be safe.