bochur22 wrote on 27 Dec 2020 04:42:

Great post and great attitude.

5 days is a great start and helps a lot towards rewiring the brain. Every clean day is telling your brain that I don't need this stuff. Every little message gets you closer to telling your brain that I don't need this, ever. 

Keep fighting and you'll be"h see continuous victories. 

 So my good friend, how are you doing? And what about that plan, did it ever come to fruition?

Grant400 wrote on 29 Dec 2020 16:37:

Boruch Hashem going strong, day 3 of round 2.
i've been reading up on all the info that Yaakov from GYE emailed me, and i'm working on my plan today IYH.
don't worry, i wasn't scared off...

Amazing job!

And perhaps no need to "box yourself in" (as if this match will have 28 rounds) - don't underestimate yourself; you may find some strength that you were unaware of. More importantly, the mumchim in GYE talk incessantly about how rewiring ones brain and changing the self-talk / narrative, etc. makes all the difference.

We are with you 100%, dear brother.

Ish MiGrodno 

Ok, i should really update more often. so: Boruch Hashem i'm up to 4 days clean this time around. i was advised by GYE to try out the SMART system, and making a plan that way, so hopefully that will work im Yirtzeh Hashem.

Anyways, to continue my story. during 7th & 8th grade i dormed half the week by my grandparents (istead of driving to school every day an hour each way). that's where most of my falls would happen, probably on a weekly basis. all this while on the outside i was one of the "better" kids in school...
Actually, i wasn't so good at hiding my tracks - my parents caught me...  either they didn't know the severity of the issue or they truly didn't know how to deal with it, but besides for a stern talk nothing happened. [ my father had already spoken to me earlier about the Kedusha topic (i don't know what else to call it:confused:).]
By my Bar Mitzvah was probably the first time i decided to stop... obviously didn't get too far. but for the summer after 8th grade i went to a Yeshivas Kayitz where the menahel is known for speaking to the bochurim about this issue. i don't remember what he said then, but and i took a kabalah then not to use unfiltered internet without another person seeing what i'm doing. then i went off to an out-of-town yeshiva ketana and was able to keep the deal for that year.
but there were other issues there, so the next year i was back at a closer yeshiva ketana (still staying in a dorm, not at home. but we went home more often). even there i lasted until shavuos time before i fell for the first time.
just to be clear, all these falls were just with watching porn, at this point i didn't yet have a problem with masturbation.
gotta go, i'll continue another time.

That’s so interesting. Not sure how it’s possible to watch porn without Masterbating, but I guess people are different 

YeshivaGuy wrote on 01 Jan 2021 06:55:

yeah, now looking back its hard to imagine myself. but at the time i just didn't know better...
anyways, day 5 clean (that brings me up to where i was last time when i fell). gotta go

so, yesterday i made it to 7 days clean - a full week!
i should have used the opportunity to celebrate and share it on the forum, but instead i spent the evening doing nothing. eventually i fell...
on my computer i can't access anything (its filtered, and i'm not tech-savvy enough to know how to get around it), but with free time on my hands i was able to find a computer somewhere else. its not even like i should have been bored, i had what to do just was lazy.
i felt very upset at myself afterwards, and i didn't update my chart right away because i was too ashamed of myself. that didn't really end up helping, because today i allowed myself to fall again since i was anyways down. knowing myself, if i would have restarted last night i probably wouldn't have fallen today. nu nu.
this time i don't feel as inspired as last time to "bounce right back". i'm trying to figure out how to stop myself when i have an urge, not just be clean between one urge to the next.
during the past two weeks i actually didn't have too many urges. the only times were on both motzoei shabos, and both times i fell.

as i see it, there were a few problems that led to this fall:

• first of all is the long motzoei shabbos (i see there was a discussion about it on another forum). so i need to plan ahead something specific to do then, not just have things to do (which i also had this week).
• another point is that i'm only using this forum to update after the fact - "i made it to X amount of days" "i fell yesterday" - but not while i'm having an urge, to reach out for help.
  i was advised to keep an "urge log". now, while i (unfortunately) don't have such a vivid imagination to be able to write "What are the physical sensations that you are feeling, what beliefs is your urge telling you", i definitally should start using the forum to share when i need help.
• work on a specific plan for dealing with urges when they arise. last week i filled out a cost-benefit-analysis, which is meant to help you remember what you really want when you aren't thinking straight from the urge. the issue is that you have to remember about it then. the same problem i'll have about any plan i make what to do when having an urge, that you have to remember to actually carry it out then.
  regarding this last point - if anyone has suggestions, please please respond. thank you.

How u been? How was Shabbos?

YeshivaGuy wrote on 10 Jan 2021 05:14:

i had a rough week. didn't really work too hard to stay clean...
but at the same time i was working on a plan that i think will work for me going forward. i'm sharing it to help my accountability to keep it.


(it's based on https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/54-SMART-Recovery/346915-Making-a-plan)

so... today is going to be day one! and this time i have a plan in place.

oh, and also to update daily regardless of if i had an urge that day (yeah, i know i've written that already and didn't keep it. it's a problem of mine...)

oh no! day one and i already didn't keep my word:anguished: (the website wasn't opening correctly on my computer, and i couldn't use a different one that was available since it isn't filtered).
anyways, yesterday was a good day, no real urges to deal with, except in the evening a little bit. i daven today should be the same.
Bochur22

Keep up the fight!

One day at a time!

Watup?

Dear friends,

I know it seems that I was one of those that joined and then disappeared after a few weeks, but I did not completely disappear. Since I didn’t have a filtered device with which to access GYE, I was not able to visit and update the site. But I did subscribe to receive via email all the posts on the forum, so I was able to see everything going on.

So how am I updating now? On an unfiltered device…

Let me explain:

Since I’ve joined GYE (which pre-dates this account by a couple of years, in other Gilgulim), I haven’t really done anything concrete to change. Sure, I read the GYE handbook etc. I “knew” what I had to do, but actually doing anything? Nah…

Two summers ago, i made a plan which I thought was a good & thorough plan. The issue was that I never got to test it out (if the steps would’ve held me back from falling), because I didn’t keep to it at all. I realized that without being accountable to anyone no plan would work however good it was, since I would never keep to it.

Last year (when I made this account) I once again made a good plan (similar to the previous one, since in my opinion the plan itself was good. This time, eventually I did reach out to another GYE member, and we were in contact via text (remember, I didn’t have access to GYE itself). For the first time in a while, I managed to stay clean for about two weeks thanks to his help.

Once I fell, it took me a few weeks to restart. I made a new deal, with many more details, and sent it to this GYE member for accountability. And then - quiet. I just didn’t respond to anything that he sent me (“shutdown mode” when I don’t want to deal with something - just ignore it. I know it doesn’t make it go away, but that’s how it is).

For a few months I just didn’t fight at all. During the summer I got two weeks clean again, but it was because I didn’t have access to internet, not because I fought it (I’m thankful to Hashem for every day that I’m clean, no matter how it happened, but for purposes of successfully fighting this addiction I don’t think days like this can be counted).

After the summer I decided that something needs to change (ok, to be honest the fact that quite a few of my friends were getting married might have to do with it:smile:). During Aseres Yemei Teshuva I spoke to a very close friend of mine and told him about my struggle. This was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life (I almost didn’t end up doing it, a story for itself…), but I knew this was necessary.

To my (slight) surprise, my friend told me that he had also struggled with the same thing (although much less severely, in my opinion - and I think his as well). Boruch Hashem, he had managed to overcome it with help from some veteran GYE members, and he is happily married. The relief & comfort of having someone I know who understands and can relate to what I’m going through is indescribable.

Anyways, it took me until after Sukkos to finalize with him (during that time I managed to stay clean for 15 days without any concrete plan even though I had unfiltered devices available. This is an issue I can’t solve, and my plan includes not using unfiltered devices). And from 28 Tishrei until 25 Cheshvan I was successfully clean (to be honest, it was only from watching porn, I wasn’t focusing on masturbation yet). On that day I got some bad news, and that lead to me falling. I didn’t use a device I wasn’t meant to, rather I found a way around the filter on my device. It took me a few days to fix that, but Boruch Hashem, now I cannot get around it in that way.

The last few days I haven’t been careful about not using unfiltered devices, and finally that lead to me falling on Sunday. What I need to do is start being careful about it, but I don’t feel any motivation for it. Now if I would be a month into being clean, a lack of motivation wouldn’t be the end of the world, since I do have clear in my head that this is the right thing and what I really want. But to start again, when I can just “Chap arain” one more day (and one more… etc.) is something I do need motivation for, which I’m missing now. I thought the motivation of having to tell my friend that I fell (again…) would be enough, but evidently it isn’t.

I don’t know if I’m necessarily looking for any advice (although its welcome), just venting how I feel. Maybe that itself will help.

Another issue (which I am looking for advice on) is what type of Knasim to make. I have a whole plan, but without good Knasim for falling (either just using an unfiltered device unauthorized; or an actual fall, both with delay & distract tactics beforehand (lesser Knas) or without (harsher Knas)) it doesn’t work as good. Any suggestions?

Thanks (for reading:smile:…)

Bochur23

[Note: I will see any  replies on my email account, but I won't be able to respond on here]