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TOPIC: My story 306 Views

My story 01 Nov 2020 14:39 #356950

  • Misgaber96
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Hello,
I have been struggling since the age of 12 with my addiction, and I was depressed until the age of 20. Yeshivah is what changed things around. BH I went to avery supportive yeshivah and I have a close connection with a rabbi which I enjoy very much (highly reccomended). I have learned much about bitachon lately which has changed my life from worry filled to a life of bliss and has been imperetive to my growth in this area of addiction (and all other areas of my life) and in learning to bounce back to my feet if I fall C"V. I am now 24 and happier than I have ever been B"H.

I still struggle to keep on track and make sure that I do not use the technology avalaible to me via my parents. I can't blame my parents because if I do I am certainly more likely to fall, since I am putting the accountability on them, not myself and I will say "it is their fault", dangerous stuff. I am accountable for my actions B"H and I will try to think this way bli neder.
I find it particularly dificult when I let go and start to let myself go on their computer, just sitting there in front of the computer is enough to get me going, and there starts the rapid fall, it can take seconds! I have been on the computer for hours without falling before but I have also been on there for an hour or less as well. Really, going on places like youtube or ali express or ebay (and other sites)  is a danger zone because I am nichshal as soon as a picture comes up. But why? isn't the first look permitted?
I think that as soon as I sit down in front of the computer I can be called a Shote (an idiot) because who am I kidding? that is the place that I have fallen numerous times, and this time I expect it to be any different? It is clear that I cannot be near any unfiltered device without adequate supervision. This means that my supervisor must understand that they can't leave for a second until I have finished with the computer, and only once the computer is closed they can leave. The supervisor will help me be on track and not deviate from the task at hand. 
But how often can I get a supervisor? the answer is, not often. So what happens if I need to urgently look up something? Well I have urgently looked up something in the past and it never got me anywhere, all it did was waste time. And where did I get the information in the end? From my filtered computer. So it is clear that I must not use the unfiltered computer unsupervised under any circumstances as it is not going to help me in any way. 
Thank Hashem that He has given me the Daas to write on the forum, and write this piece with clarity! Please Hashem, You have made me your servant as a Jew which is the most precious gift! Please, let me live up to that gift of servitude. All I want is to serve you. I love You HKB"H, You are my everything and you have helped us achieve so much, You have helped us overcome countless challenges, and I am ever grateful. I Love You Hashem!

Re: My story 01 Nov 2020 14:59 #356952

  • wilnevergiveup
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Welcome! 

You've taken this incredible first step of posting on the forum, keep posting and look around a little, there are some amazing guys here.

Have you seen the handbook yet? It's a good start.

Also The Fight by Rabbi Shafier is great. There is also a version on TheShmuz.com.

You seem like a choshuve guy who is really stuck. many here go through this and b"H there are many who have broken free with the help of GYE.

Keep us posted!

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup 
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: My story 01 Nov 2020 17:49 #356955

  • Grant400
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Welcome! You have arrived at the right place!

You seem to have clarity in how this battle usually goes.

 Let's begin your journey with a seemingly simple yet extraordinarily important question:

Why do you want to stop? Is it just because it's an aveira or is there more? Does the fact that it's an aveira cause you unspeakable pain? Make you feel like you are living a lie? Do you feel unfaithful to something or someone? Is this addiction causing damage in other areas of your life?

The first step is identifying the real reasons you want to stop, this way when confronted by an urge you have a powerful antidote. It's not just an esoteric piece of knowledge that it's wrong vs. tremendous desire. It's not simply an intellectual understand fending off something that easily transcends intellect. It's emotion against emotion. Now its pleasure fighting pleasure.

You must understand that your real desire, the most enjoyable pleasures and the cremé de la cremé of fantasies is to remain clean and not indulge in a few short sighted moments of fleeting pleasure .

Weigh the pros and cons, judge the advantages and disadvantages. Honestly. Now, come to a conclusion about which path will indeed cause the most pleasant outcome. Make it an understanding that when confronted with a desire to feast upon specific pleasures the response will be " Seriously? That's what I will really enjoy? Yes, maybe for a few fugacious moments, but with much longer lasting disturbing consequences. It's a futile immature attempt at happiness that will leave me with a gaping whole of guilt and frustration"!

"No, for the sake of authentic bliss I will prevail and continue fighting and remaining clean"!

Obviously it is harder than I'm making it seem, but this is an important step in planning a successful battle strategy for a successful future.

                                    Grant

Re: My story 01 Nov 2020 20:15 #356959

  • excellence
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Firstly, Bruchim Haboim & Welcome on board,
Congratulations on this extra step you've taken to fight this battle.
​From personal experience and from yours too, we can both say, an unfiltered device is lethal. Just stay far away. Can you perhaps mention to your parents anything about getting a filter (of course not because of your struggles, just because it's a very reasonable thing to do).
I had similar issue with parents ignorance, i can say that's were I fell the most.
Really like your reference to ali cos thats were my falls have begun many times too.
​Well you've defiantly come to the right place & we all wish you tremendous strength.
one suggestion that really helped me was speaking it throgh with a Rebbi or a mentor. GYE have professionals who you can speak to on the phone who themselves have been there done that & relate to struggles on all levels. warm and friendly people who care for you and put things into perspective.
hatzlocho, looking forward to seeing you post more. 
"The pain after giving in is so much greater than the pain of not giving in"
You may find some Chizuk here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/361746-Striving-for-Excellence

A must read: 

www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/The%20First%20Day%20of%20the%20Rest%20of%20My%20Life.pdf

Re: My story 01 Nov 2020 20:34 #356960

  • Captain
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Also check out The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. It's a great book.
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Re: My story 01 Nov 2020 22:06 #356968

  • Hashem Help Me
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Welcome. Ouch!! So many guys in the same boat! Stuck at home with this incredible nisayon.... Are you able to speak to your parents about installing a filter?
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: My story 02 Nov 2020 05:23 #356985

  • Misgaber96
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Shalom, 
Thank you for the welcome, I am downloading the handbook rright now:blush:.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
Last Edit: 02 Nov 2020 05:24 by Misgaber96.

Re: My story 02 Nov 2020 05:31 #356986

  • Misgaber96
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Thank you for the kind welcome, BEH we will grow together.

Re: My story 02 Nov 2020 05:37 #356987

  • Misgaber96
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Shalom "Hashem Help me"
Thank you for the kind welcome! My parents are very unlikely to get a filter, but I have BH talked to them about putting on a password. TG they have listened and hashem has helped me to try not to find out what the password is. as long as the computer is with them or off it is safe, otherwise it is a matter of me closing the compter without sitting down in front of it.
Last Edit: 02 Nov 2020 05:40 by Misgaber96.

Re: My story 02 Nov 2020 19:17 #357006

  • excellence
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Wow, I see your streak is 26, Thats a speacil number the Gematria of Hashems name. 
Mazaltov on this milestone and wishing you much hatzlocho on reaching צדיק=90. 
"The pain after giving in is so much greater than the pain of not giving in"
You may find some Chizuk here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/361746-Striving-for-Excellence

A must read: 

www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/eBooks/The%20First%20Day%20of%20the%20Rest%20of%20My%20Life.pdf

Re: My story 02 Nov 2020 22:42 #357013

  • ColinColin
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Welcome.

It is encouraging that not only do you know what triggers you, but that you have taken steps to guard yourself.

Take each day by day, and do not put too much pressure on yourself.
Breathe a little and enjoy life too, in a Kosher way.

Re: My story 03 Nov 2020 01:18 #357019

  • Hashem Help Me
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The password is a great tactic. While the stuff is unavailable try to identify kosher ways to "get your fix". Exercise is a good option. Keep posting - staying in touch is usually very beneficial.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: My story 03 Nov 2020 02:56 #357028

  • Misgaber96
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Thank you for the advice, It does make sense, BEH I am enjoying life now, I used to be extremely worried, but then shaar Habitachon happened.

Re: My story 03 Nov 2020 03:20 #357031

  • Misgaber96
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BH, I have an excersize routine, now, learning sedorim, and other things to keep me busy, the one thing that has helped a lot lately is reading the ebook from gye, "guarding Brit", before I could not control myself whenever I was on the street or in UNI, TG it is better, I fell yesterday in "looking" at uni, so I am going to go back to the sefer now BEH.
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