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Divorced Young Men
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TOPIC: Divorced Young Men 244 Views

Divorced Young Men 01 Oct 2020 16:11 #355695

  • starrock
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I am divorced and struggle with shmiras anayim,

I would like to hear from other divorced guys how you deal with these issues.

Re: Divorced Young Men 01 Oct 2020 22:56 #355710

  • doingtshuva
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Welcome!!
I not divorced but may I ask you, have you read the GYE hanbook ?
guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/gye-handbook
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


Gye program + Handbook  -  Phone conferences  -  Taphsik method  -  90 day chart  -  Ebooks  -  Shiurim  -  Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski  -  Recent topics on the Forum
Last Edit: 01 Oct 2020 23:12 by doingtshuva.

Re: Divorced Young Men 26 Oct 2020 08:38 #356703

  • Rebuild613
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After reading so many posts/stories it seems clear to me that it does not make a real difference if single or married, the struggle is the same 

Re: Divorced Young Men 26 Oct 2020 15:38 #356707

  • i-man
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I always wondered about that , I would imagine that someone who had Pas besalo, and now does not would have a uniquely difficult challenge.

Re: Divorced Young Men 26 Oct 2020 16:32 #356710

Demolished wrote on 26 Oct 2020 08:38:
After reading so many posts/stories it seems clear to me that it does not make a real difference if single or married, the struggle is the same 

I have not had that same takeaway. After reading so many post/stories it seems clear to me that while we all struggle with the same issue, each one of our stories has unique elements. It's true that marriage does not cure one of the yetzer hara, but that doesn't mean that it is the same struggle for every person regardless of marital status. 

Re: Divorced Young Men 26 Oct 2020 16:57 #356711

  • Grant400
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שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 26 Oct 2020 16:32:

Demolished wrote on 26 Oct 2020 08:38:
After reading so many posts/stories it seems clear to me that it does not make a real difference if single or married, the struggle is the same 

I have not had that same takeaway. After reading so many post/stories it seems clear to me that while we all struggle with the same issue, each one of our stories has unique elements. It's true that marriage does not cure one of the yetzer hara, but that doesn't mean that it is the same struggle for every person regardless of marital status. 

Well said. I can't imagine that it isn't much much harder. Pas bisalo is a legitimate psychological concept.

People did write that after marriage the struggle became harder. What I understood that to mean was that now that they were enjoying lust related indulgences in a permitted way it reignited their desire for more. So basically they were being reminded and triggered on a more constant basis. But by no means does that mean that it isn't easier in the aspect of actually having a permissible release, meaning, the fact that a person knows that they will be able to take care of this desire eventually, I would imagine makes the intensity of the struggle less.

So, yes the struggle may be on a more constant basis after marriage, but knowing that a release is possible can definitely take a certain edge off of the intensity of "I need this- how can I fight forever " concept.

                                 Grant
Last Edit: 26 Oct 2020 16:59 by Grant400.

Re: Divorced Young Men 26 Oct 2020 18:55 #356717

  • Dave M
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Grant400 wrote on 26 Oct 2020 16:57:

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 26 Oct 2020 16:32:

Demolished wrote on 26 Oct 2020 08:38:
After reading so many posts/stories it seems clear to me that it does not make a real difference if single or married, the struggle is the same 

I have not had that same takeaway. After reading so many post/stories it seems clear to me that while we all struggle with the same issue, each one of our stories has unique elements. It's true that marriage does not cure one of the yetzer hara, but that doesn't mean that it is the same struggle for every person regardless of marital status. 

Well said. I can't imagine that it isn't much much harder. Pas bisalo is a legitimate psychological concept.

People did write that after marriage the struggle became harder. What I understood that to mean was that now that they were enjoying lust related indulgences in a permitted way it reignited their desire for more. So basically they were being reminded and triggered on a more constant basis. But by no means does that mean that it isn't easier in the aspect of actually having a permissible release, meaning, the fact that a person knows that they will be able to take care of this desire eventually, I would imagine makes the intensity of the struggle less.

So, yes the struggle may be on a more constant basis after marriage, but knowing that a release is possible can definitely take a certain edge off of the intensity of "I need this- how can I fight forever " concept.

                                 Grant

Another angle - When we are single, often we dont fight as hard, as we have a fault illusion that "I can stop when I get married".  but once we get married we realized that the fight did not go away.  It is a real psychological blow to oneself when he comes to this realization.  Also, the guilt and depression hits much harder at this stage since after falling, we need to interact with our wives and kids.

Re: Divorced Young Men 26 Oct 2020 19:12 #356719

  • wilnevergiveup
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Dave M wrote on 26 Oct 2020 18:55:

Grant400 wrote on 26 Oct 2020 16:57:

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 26 Oct 2020 16:32:

Demolished wrote on 26 Oct 2020 08:38:
After reading so many posts/stories it seems clear to me that it does not make a real difference if single or married, the struggle is the same 

I have not had that same takeaway. After reading so many post/stories it seems clear to me that while we all struggle with the same issue, each one of our stories has unique elements. It's true that marriage does not cure one of the yetzer hara, but that doesn't mean that it is the same struggle for every person regardless of marital status. 

Well said. I can't imagine that it isn't much much harder. Pas bisalo is a legitimate psychological concept.

People did write that after marriage the struggle became harder. What I understood that to mean was that now that they were enjoying lust related indulgences in a permitted way it reignited their desire for more. So basically they were being reminded and triggered on a more constant basis. But by no means does that mean that it isn't easier in the aspect of actually having a permissible release, meaning, the fact that a person knows that they will be able to take care of this desire eventually, I would imagine makes the intensity of the struggle less.

So, yes the struggle may be on a more constant basis after marriage, but knowing that a release is possible can definitely take a certain edge off of the intensity of "I need this- how can I fight forever " concept.

                                 Grant

Another angle - When we are single, often we dont fight as hard, as we have a fault illusion that "I can stop when I get married".  but once we get married we realized that the fight did not go away.  It is a real psychological blow to oneself when he comes to this realization.  Also, the guilt and depression hits much harder at this stage since after falling, we need to interact with our wives and kids.

Just adding my two cents here, like DaveM wrote, the emotional game is a killer after marriage. I guess it depends on everyone's emotional state but for me the emotional roller coaster, the guilt and so on was the hardest part and that was multiplied by ten billion after I got married. 
As well as the realization that I really could not stop, only happened after I got married and that made me give up time and again.
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Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
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