Yaa wrote on 24 Jan 2021 23:11:

It’s deeper than that I think.. it’s that I b’etzem am a failure... idk waiting for the email back from therapist

I was always a failure too.........In yesod, b'etzem, in the din and the cheftza......

A Krumme Svara

YeshivaGuy wrote on 24 Jan 2021 23:58:

Wow look at the power of the Yetzer - the guy who pulled off quarantine in the RV ( among many other incredible acts
of strength) calling himself a failure .. if you would read through your thread but it was written by someone else you would be mighty impressed such as we are .
But all the same I understand where your coming from 
and I have had similar struggles questioning my accomplishments   and self worth   , I hope you realize your special value that you bring to the world and keep attaining greater heights 

Hatzlacha holy brother

i-man wrote on 25 Jan 2021 02:27:

Masterpiece i-man, a masterpiece!

Thanks for the kind words. I hate to play devils advocate, especially cuz like, it’s the devil...

But Theres many other parts of Avodas HaShem and just cuz u guys see I’m shteiging in one particular area, doesn’t mean I’m such a special and accomplished guy.
Obviously I know this stuff is extra choshuv etc...
Im just saying that it’s very nice that I’m doing well in this stuff, but I’m not some massive tzadik. I got a lot of middos to work on- chesed,savlanus etc etc. gotta work on my bitachon, on my learning/Tefilla etc. 

So I overcame some hard nisyonos, nu nu.
Hows my learning? Davening? Middos?
A couple of nisyonos sure ain’t making me a Talmud Chacham or getting me to Olam Haba!


I know I’m being hard on myself again.
This is part of the issue.
Sorry for rambling.

Im aware that bchlall I don’t appreciate my maalos. My therapist advised me to first speak with my Rebbi, which I will bezras Hashem do tomorrow.

It’s not like I’m some massive masmid and Baal middos who for some strange reason doesn’t appreciate his maalos.
Im a stam guy. Ok so I’m a little matzliach in learning (when I learn) and haven’t masterbated recently.
Doesn’t seem like there’s much to be proud of.
But I know, y’all are thinking “everyone has maalos to be proud of”
That sounds sweet but I’m not buying it.
I think some people are just poshut failures. Inside and out. 

Anyway, I’ll spare u guys my negativity. Especially cuz I’m not thinking straight and prob don’t beleive what I’m saying

Here’s a look at my mind right now as I lay in bed:

Yetzer: hey I see ur down
Me:yup really feel horrible, will speak to Rebbi tomorrow 
Yetzer: great idea. Why not masterbate now though so you’ll get some relief? After all these emotions aren’t your fault, you need a break
Me: hahaha! Halarious, dude u think I’m gonna be nichshal now just cuz I’m down. What shaychus?
Yetzer: well ur in pain, and anyways ur a failure in other parts of ur Avodas HaShem. I mean, u even missed night seder!
Me: 1. Just cuz I’m a failure (which is debatable) in some parts of life doesn’t mean I should fail here!
2. Being nichshal now will make me feel so so horrible 
3. This isn’t the way to deal with problems. An “ever” is to be used for Kedusha. It’s not a toy to be played with when one is down.
Yetzer: ok fine, u got a point. But if u change ur mind let me know
Me: lol! Ya right bud, have a gn

You have a conversation like that, you even post it for everyone to see, and you try to say you’re a failure??????
You’re currently on the level of Yosef HaTzaddik by saying no to your Yetzer Hora! Not stam.

Thanks, but I think Yosef Hatzadik got up for shachris and went to Night Seder...
Pardon my illogical negativity. I appreciate your kind words

YeshivaGuy wrote on 25 Jan 2021 05:41:

Source?

Bigmoish wrote on 25 Jan 2021 05:43:

Lol
I think that’s the pashtus 
After all, ״לא עם הארץ חסיד...״

YeshivaGuy wrote on 25 Jan 2021 05:45:

He also probably knew that beating himself up over little things was counterproductive. Go to sleep, and get to shacharis and seder tomorrow.

"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy

Bigmoish wrote on 25 Jan 2021 05:53:

Thanks. Will do. Wasn’t gonna set my alarm for shachris cuz like “wats the point,” but will do so now.
Shkoyach

I once asked R Avigdor Miller ZTL "What should I do if I have trouble getting up for Shachris in Yeshiva on time?" I was looking for some good Mussar,hisorirus etc...
He answered "Get yourself an alarm clock!"
The way I interpreted that based on other things I have heard from him was. Stop thinking so much and just do what you gotta do. Everything will fall into place and seem much better once you do that.