I’m posting this l’Toeles Harabim.

Ive been clean Baruch HaShem for 74 days, and BH starting this week I’ve been living on a different level.
Shteiging in learning, chidushei torah, hasmada, kavana in tefila...
My mind and heart are open to being mekabel the Dvar HaShem.

And I genuinely believe it’s a lot due to the Hatzlocha I’ve been zoche to thus far in Inyanei Kedusha.
As well, I davend with fire begging HaShem Yisborach to make me a Kli to be mekabel the Dvar HaShem and to instill within me the drive of mesirus nefesh ltorah...

Please don’t give up.
HaShem hears you and loves you.
You have the ability to rise.
Dont be afraid to get up.

Let this be a message to all those who doubt whether mesirus nefesh is worthwhile.
Its worth it.

Shabbos was a shtikl rough. Had 2 emissions in sleep (no dream just woke up with it), and didn’t wake up from alarm so missed shachris, and didn’t chazer 2nd Seder...
A lot of taiva tonight, and just feeling “uch,” so took melotonin and goin to sleep. Cutting my losses and hope to start a great week tomorrow

How's our טייערע בן תורה doing? Is he feeling yum now? We can't have one of our most esteemed members feeling "uch"! We all know where that can ח"ו lead...

thanks for asking.
Havent told y’all but the sim adapter Zach I got from my friend never fit, and no one here has an extra one.
I gotta to to the shop in a few days so gotta remember to buy it, I keep forgetting.

Even if I’m not nichshal, I don’t wanna have a smartphone. I want to marry a woman who doesn’t want her husband to have a smartphone.
I want to get there, and small dumb things (and maybe even the Yetzer) are getting in the way.

Still having thoughts to masterbate or watch YouTube by tricking friend to put in the restrictions. I can make more gedarim etc, I can change the friend who has the code etc,
but not interested in playing “cat and mouse” anymore with the Yetzer.
I did that for a year in first year bais medrash until I realized I had to just get a kosher phone.

As for feeling “Uch”
Today was pretty good, my chavrusa was tired so he missed Seder so was hard to pull through, and shiur was kinda hard, but these are the struggles which build a person! Bezras Hashem.
Really wanna work on hasmada without being a shoteh. I learnt thurs night until 3am shteiging and woke up at 1pm, anyway,

sorry for not talking exclusively about Shmiras einayim/habris, GYE hasn’t yet made a “yeshiva struggles forum”



Anyway, Shkoyach chevra!

Here’s a constant discussion I have between Myself and the Yetzer throughout the day Especially when leaving Seder for a moment for the bathroom..

Yetzer: You learn Torah etc, engage in ruchnius all day which is great.
But you are depriving yourself of all Hanaas Olam Hazeh! That stinks! You’re gonna be miserable your whole life.

Me: Listen, That’s not accurate. I like food, that’s hanaa. I like traveling,sightseeing, nature. That’s also hanaas olam hazeh.
Take it easy, I enjoy Olam Hazeh (even though I’m eating healthy these days, but still).
Youre being way overly dramatic.
It’s just this one Taava! This one taava I don’t indulge in.
I’m not Rav Shteinman, I won’t just eat cucumbers, I won’t be such a big porush. But this? I can handle not masterbating and watching bad vids. Cmon!

You can have anything else.
But not this one.

Its lmaaseh scary though.
Masterbating etc was always such a basic hanaa in my life and now it’s, bezras Hashem, gone. Forever.
Its lhavdil like stopping to eat ur favorite food...

Anyway, Gn!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 25 Nov 2020 05:58:

I'm not sure if I should say this, but when you iy"h get married you will be able to enjoy this hanaah in a muter'dige way. It will be 100x more enjoyable! Hang in there !

I hope there’s toeles in these posts besides feeding my ego.

Missed NightSeder cuz narishkeit, and was in my room was maariv time and felt big taiva to masterbate, was a struggle.
I felt like a failure.

But I got up and said “I don’t care. I don’t care if I’m not zoche, worthy, or even if GD doesn’t want me. Doesn’t matter. I’m going to learn.”

Went to Bais Medrash and Chazerd 2 Amudim of Gemara Rashi Tosfos 3 times each. Baruch HaShem. Went smoothly, the words flowed...

This mahalach works for me, when the Yetzer says “HaShem doesn’t want you” I often respond “I don’t care. I will return to HaShem no matter what.”
Now, maybe it’s chutzpah maybe it’s not, but it works wonders for me...

Anyway, Gn!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 27 Nov 2020 06:53:

Wooooow, I could use a dose of this right now. I am going through the same thing except for the ending. You are awesome, I hope to be like you soon.

Wow! I've found this the hardest challenge to overcome, when you feel that Hashem doesn't want you chas veshalom. (Especially during times when I was struggling badly with depression.) It's amazing that you didn't fall for the Yetzer Hora's lies! Keep it up!

Something that helps me motivate myself when this happen is what I heard from Rabbi Shafier: TThe Gemara Chagiga says that Acher was a tzaddik who went off the derech and he actually heard a Bas Kol, a heavenly voice that said that Hashem didn't want him any more. And even that was not the truth. Hashem did want him, and he could have come back, and his avodah would have mattered. So when my yetzer hora whispers his own "bas kol" into my ear, as hard as it is not to believe it, it's not true! Hashem wants us!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 27 Nov 2020 06:53:

Ha! Ha! You really don't realize the chizuk you are giving so many of us here?! I gues you are great anav.  

Super Shver Shabbos.
Slept through Shachris/Mussaf.
Ate Seuda then took a nap and had a dream of me masterbating twice (and not so clean hirhurim before falling asleep).
Then woke up to see I missed mincha and it was past shkia.
Ate seudas shlishis even though it was past the zman.

And then, davend two maarivs and learnt for 3 hours chazering shiur. Baruch HaShem.
I keep falling and then Bh getting back up.
But I’d really like to stop all this falling!

I waste so so so much time. Oy! I know I’m “doing fine”- but I wanna be a Talmud Chacham and a Masmid. I want to be 100% Shakua in Torah and Yiras Shamayim.
I don’t wanna be “fine.”

Made a Chavrusa with a friend during dinner to keep me from bittul zman/taiva (dinner is always prime Yetzer time).
Bezras HaShem all will work out.

Tons of Taiva now to masterbate.
Tryin to just make it to day 90, I hear that’s all it takes to shecht the Yetzer Hara! (Sarcasm).
Not sure what the big fuss of 90 is about, but I’ll go with it...

In Response to @HHM
I guess guys can get chizuk. But it’s hard to imagine people actually care about some random guy fighting his Yetzer Hara. 
It’s hard enough they got their own to deal with.
But anyway, at least I gain from this, and if others gain as well, then great.

Gn guys!

YeshivaGuy

We all have a common goal.

The goal is to live a holy and g-dly life.

The way I see it, it's extremely hard and difficult to win the war by oneself.

1 nefesh habehamis vs 1 nefesh elokus is an equal fight, however 1 nefesh habehamis vs 2 nefesh elokus
Will never be an equal fight.
(The g-dly soul will combine with another g-dly soul, however the animal soul will never combine with another animal soul because there is no achdus)

We are in it together.

So no, you are not some "random guy",

We are all connected because we all come from the same g-dly source.

Wishing you
to 90 days and above!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 29 Nov 2020 06:58:

You are not a "random guy". You are a highly inspirational role model. You also write very well - and with complete honesty. You share your embarrassing moments, and get across the message that being vulnerable is normal and ok. Your wife will iyh be a most fortunate person. Hatzlocha buddy. 

P.S. In my humble opinion, you are "past 90" - meaning you have a clear understanding about the urges/triggers, the lack of it being a "need", and you have strategies how to deflect the taiva. Welcome to the post 90 life of every healthy adult male yid. This nisayon will iyh be with you for many healthy years b'ezras Hashem - just now you do not need to be overwhelmed by it or fear it - just keep doing what you are doing. Bli ayin hora you will develop more and more menuchas hanefesh as time moves along and the habits become distant memories. It is a slow but solid process b'ezras Hashem.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 29 Nov 2020 06:58:

I know exactly how you feel. It's the story of my life. It's complete radicalism. It can be used for good or for bad. We want the world and are actually motivated too, but we set the goals to high in the initial phases. Then we fall short of our self imposed sky high goals and we feel like failures. So we give up and do all the things you did on shabbos. Then we finally button up and learn 3 hours straight and placate ourselves with a reinforcement of our original plans to become a gadol during this zeman. We are either flying high or down in the dumps.

Day in day out. Month after month, year after year. We keep focusing on the peak of the mountain without paying attention to the small steps that are the only way to reach the summit.

No one accomplishes something big overnight. Practically no one ever accomplished something worth mentioning without previous failures and hiccups in the road. We can't get discouraged and frustrated every time we feel like we aren't on the path to success this very moment and throw in the towel.

The key is to use the concept of ODAAT in everything in life. Yes the goal is to know sha"s and be a masmid, but that is done through an accumulation of smaller goals. Amudim, bletter, an hour, and another hour. These are many small successes and not just a means to a larger goal. We must focus in that shiur, seder, and day.

This way one small failure (which are inevitable) isn't a derailment of you life plans. Not everyday seems like you are challenging a tremendously insurmountable goal that keeps on leading to frustration. Today you are only accomplishing for today. That's it.

So we gotta try to internalize that each tefilah and each ( hour of) seder is it's own goal and incredible success. Frustration and disappointment never once led to success.

                                   Grant

The Yetzer’s asking “So its been 84 days, when will u be done? What’s the end goal? A person goes on a diet and once they lose the weight they’re off the diet. I understand ur neshama needs some cleaning, but when can u get off this “diet”?”

I think I’m viewing this all wrong, if someone can enlighten me...
Thanks