Held back from the computer again. But masterbated and listened to erotica. It’s embarrassing to say that but ya. Feels not as bad as watching stuff and even if that’s true it doesn’t matter.

Bh my appointment today was good.

Onward

I will B’ezras HaShem be clean now for the next 30 days. It covers the end of zman and before camp at which point I will make a new goal.
I am determined.
Elul starts now.

YeshivaGuy

YeshivaGuy wrote on 14 Jun 2021 21:24:

It's great to hear that you are still having many victories, you have always impressed me and should really be proud of yourself!


I think it's one of the first posts in this thread, but it still holds true. Even if you masturbate, don't go onto watching worse things, it will make it much harder. I think you said you never watched porn and that's extremely impressive, try keep it that way.


Amazing that you have it within you to bounce back, its great to have you around, there are so many here that look up to you and are inspired by you!

Hatzlacha rabbah and we're all here thinking of you 
chazak v'ematz!

Made a rookie move, was bored and thought could use computer for a sec for something kosher and watched some YouTube then maaterbated.

Anyway, Bh am done with the errands I needed to do here at home and hope to drive back to Yeshiva in the morning bezras Hashem.

Clean bh.
Haven’t gotten past 14 days clean since falling after 198 clean days.
Next goal is 14 more days.
Davening for siyata dishmaya every day.

Hatzlocha

I just gave into my Yetzer Hara and watched a movie with many inappropriate scenes.
I won’t go into details. 
It was about someone addicted to znus and ended up doing SAA.
I saw it for the znus scenes lmaaseh, but the ending SAA part made me cry when she said she was raped.

Anyway, not giving excuses for my actions. I won’t masterbate and will carry on. I can no longer watch movies in any way so that is good.
I retain the count.
Gn. Sorry, and Hatzlocha

Fell now after 16 clean days.
Makes sense.
I just got my iPhone back (last night) for last week of Yeshiva in order to do kiruv over WhatsApp (like getting a kid to not go to secular college).
Should’ve asked a shaila before making that cheshbon. 
I can’t hurt myself for others.

Anyway, Gn

A lot a lot of taiva… Wasn’t so good with shemiras eynayim and now big big taiva to masterbate.
I really want to be clean, I do.
Started touching myself, but no, enough. I can’t do this to myself.
I need to stop this nonsense.
I am a צלם אלוקים and this is beneath my dignity.
I haven’t fought hard like this in a long time, the yetzer says once I “start” I might as well masterbate, but honestly, now I don’t care.
I don’t care what my Yetzer says or what anybody says.
I am not a victim.
I am a Baal Bechira and I can do ANYTHING it is that I want.
And I will not masterbate.

Case closed.

YeshivaGuy

Baruch HaShem, I won last night. It caused me to be awake longer as I could’ve just masterbated and fallen right to sleep.
I gotta get more melatonin to help with my falling asleep to make things easier.

Even now I want to masterbate, but I’m holding back.
Im in this for the prize.

YeshivaGuy

And the prize is you. The you that you want to be. Correct?

Captain wrote on 04 Jul 2021 14:47:

Couldn’t have said it better myself

I can't tell you how today will go or tomorrow. But one thing I think anyone reading your thread can see is that you will get there. And perhaps then you'll notice that your battles and strength got you there, even though it didn't say that on your "clean days counter" at the time. It's the effort, the tough cringing effort, that changes you and makes you that person.

It's like an ice cube. You add heat and it gets hotter. Then it hits 32 degrees and when you add more heat the ice cube's temperature doesn't get it any hotter. Until you notice that the ice cube melted. And all that heat was going into the phase change.

You're also having a "phase change." It's the change to the person you want to be, the person you will be proud of forever. And the only thing that gets you there is the effort that you put in, which is your "heat." Every bit changes you slightly and it can't always be seen at the time, but in the end it adds up.

Masterbated.
Not much more to say.
Getting back up right now.
No more touching.
No more indulging in hirhurim.
 (It’s last week of zman and not doing so well in learning so just sitting around doesn’t make things easier… Going to camp B’ezras HaShem in two weeks).

Let's face it, this struggle is REAL. You win some and lose some, the main thing is never to give up. As long as you're in the game, you're always a winner...