Update: This past fall is a turning point in my life. I wish it didn't have to come about in this unfortunate way, but I'm still going to bore in deep and mine the precious metals buried deep in this mess.

I always viewed myself as a luster, but I tried my best to control the outcome. The outcome. Because that's what I believed was the proper and only way to do it. I installed filters, I never had my own device with unrestricted internet. I knew that if I did I would crumble like a dry clump of earth.

Wasn't this what everyone always screamed about? Install filters! We can't trust ourselves! Men have raging testosterone, we are beasts of prey constantly on the prowl for our next target.

Message received: I'm a loose swine without control so prevent all situations where I will be tempted. Yichud, harchakos, shmiras einayim, etc. If I would have access, of course I wouldn't be able to hold myself back from viewing terrible videos! I'm a man! We can either think with our heads or our...

So inevitably when the situation arose and I had access because of a glitch in my filter it practically wasn't a battle. I mean my subconsious thought process probably was-I did all humanly possible but nature and the universe did their own thing. I'm not falling, I'm being thrown to the ground. Powerless.

When there are movies with enticing scenes and cast...how can I not fall? App store open? Fall. Fall. Fall. It's inevitable. So, I stop watching movies, I cancel subscriptions, I lock the app store etc. I must keep my distance!

Now I realize my terrible mistake. Yes, Chaza"l placed fences, yes, one shouldn't have internet, if they must strong filters are a necessity. No, of course I shouldn't watch movies with triggering material! I must not stare or ogle, fantasize or dream!

But not for the reasons earlier believed. I am in control. I do have the ability to say no. I am a man, a man with the capability of discipline and integrity. A person with self control and dignity. I am not a beast of prey. I may have one inside of me, but I can be a lion tamer and a snake charmer.

All of these gedarim are only to prevent myself from getting into a street fight. Not because if I do I am a helpless victim, and I will lose, but because why even present myself with a struggle? Why create any chance at all to sustain injury and walk away with battle scars? Now I understand I am capable and powerful and although I have a sophisticated well trained army at my beck and call, I also employ tacticians and strategists to assure my safety and security and prevent a battle from ever breaking out.


                                   Grant
             

Nice post brother!

This is so so so important. I know that if I think I'm gonna lose, then I will. Overconfidence is bad and leads to carelessness, but we have to believe that we can fight and win if Hashem decides that we should get challenged. And we do our best not to be challenged because Hashem said so and because it's smart, not because we will for sure lose when challenged.

I read something a while back that incredibly insightful about this topic. It spoke about the many mistakes and misconceptions that come from the improper attitudes that go around about our requirement to stay away from temptation. Of course we have to guard ourselves, but we can't pick up all negative ideas from the fact that we must do so. It's Chapter 37 of The Battle of the Generation (guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation) called Misconceptions About Staying Away. Check it out!

Grant, beautiful post. Very true. Another scenario where you see the different outcome in ways of the thinking is when one unfortunately has a fall. The fellow who thinks like you (the way you described where you are up to in your post) will understandably be upset, however he will iyh catch himself, clean up, and move on. However the fellow who believes he is a lust driven beast and has no real control when released from the cage of filters etc, will oftentimes binge and act out numerous times - spiraling down the slope. So yes, it is most important to rewire your thinking that you can b'ezras Hashem stay in control.

Disclaimer - there are some individuals who are true addicts, and for them what is written above is not applicable. 

Dear Grant,

I'm just going to write my feelings down so you can read them daily, and remind yourself of all your painful emotions you feel right now. I hope this will serve as a constant reminder of who you are and how you want to live every second of your life.

Please don't take this lightly, and don't rest assured in a false confidence of your security. You yourself know how many times you were complacent, yet the yetzer harah ambushed you with an unrequested test. He tempted you, exposed you or made you ridiculously "curious" about something. You unwittingly fell into his trap while being certain that you won't be tricked. Be cognizant of his sly and cunning tactics and stay on your toes always expecting  the sharp edge of his unsheathed sword against your neck.

Now let me address his methods and explain why they are faulty.

He makes it exciting and interesting but you know it is all a fantasy. The reality is not at all like that. He causes it to feel physically and mentally necessary, but nothing ever happened when you didn't respond. He wants you to focus solely on the desire without allowing room to understand the undesired outcome. Don't be fooled, the cons outweigh the pros by an incredible margin. When you tell yourself that something is harmless - and of course you won't go farther than this - it's your befuddled mind futilely attempting to think straight while under the influence of his harmful intoxication.

Focus on the consequences you suffered in the past. Yes, maybe a few minutes of dizzying pleasure, a moment of satiated curiosity, but followed by excruciating pain, guilt, tears, helplessness. Oh! Where was the expected bliss?

Remember the way you felt, disloyal to loved ones. How painful it was to look into your beloved eishes chayil's face and feel like someone she doesn't think you are or want you to be. The faces of your angelic children haunting your tainted and tortured soul. Oh! Where was the promised pleasure?


Recall every teffilah, each beracha, hours of learning the heilige torah hakdosha, was it satisfying knowing how you acted yesterday? Last week?  Last year?  How you corroded and corrupted your connection to your creator, filling potentially beautiful moments with jagged scars. Repaying good with evil, selfless giving with selfish indulgences. Oh! Where was the gleeful gratification?

What about your self respect. The way you turn into a gibbering fool at the slightest enticement. A man, now a child. A disciplined person now a mess. Ego smashed and pride all but lost. Oh! Where was the slated delights?

My dear Grant, please absorb all that I'm saying. I'm saying it out of pure unadulterated love. I'm pleading with you because I know your true abilities. I understand the person you really are and truthfully want to be. I know the man you can be. I know the man you will be!

Please take the time to review this heartfelt letter daily, and when faced with struggles. Constantly pray to your creator and ask for strength.

I know I can be helped, for I can help myself.

                                Sincerely,

                                   Grant

Wow!  So poignant and well written.   I hope GYE includes this in the next GYE chizuk email. 

I'm in a place that does me in,
I don't know why,

Urges to sin,
Starting to intesify,

Eyes tempted to stray,
Untethered,

Thoughts attempting to sway,
Unfettered,

Heart feigns remembrance,
Incredible pleasure,

Mind deigns deliverance,
Fictitious allure,

We've met before,
Bane of men,

Recall I swore,
Never again,

All will be reigned,
Reality hearkened,

Discipline sustained,
Shimmer darkened,

Senseless will not rule,
Ineptitude have no say,

Integrity will be cruel,
Authenticity has today,

No influence,
Nor intimidation,

Offered indulgence,
False supplication,

Beautifully shod,
Walk not in disgrace,

The grace of God,
Is my place,

      Grant

How we doin brother?

Ok so time for an update:

I know YeshivaGuy asked for an update but last time I gave a proud update I fell embarrassingly a short while later. So this time I was more cautious.

So after being taught last time that I do have the power to say no even if all the security measures put in place dissolve, I've been having an amazing experience. I'm not panicking in case something occurs and I won't respond accordingly. I've tamed my lust by understanding how much not only isn't it necessary but how much happier I am without it. In all ways. No obsessing, fantasizing, gazing or focusing on it at all.

I used to obsess about sex all day and after getting married, I would hope to get some at night. I would drop hints all day to make it clear so no one should get tired and not in the mood. It was such a pressure for me (aside from the pressure made for my better half) . I was always anxious and nervous. Waiting and worrying if it will happen etc. My brain woke up each morning with only one goal, and the rest of the things I had to do where all just things that needed to get done so I could eventually have sex. But I've been set free. If it happens that's great if not that's great too. It's not my main motivator in life anymore. Honestly I can't even place my finger on what changed exactly, but just being here for all these months, learning and reading old very important threads I'm a changed man. It's a complete miracle.

I've been set free!

Now the reason I decided to update now is because I had the same situation as last fall and bh I passed beautifully. I discovered a regular texting app that came with my phone that I never used. It sat in the unused app folder. For some reason I clicked on it and I found out that it has GIF search for any image online. At first I wasn't sure if it was only cartoon images because that's what's they all where on the first page. So I searched for elephants. It worked. Then I wasn't sure if maybe my filter blocked real stuff. I wasn't checking as an excuse, I needed to know if I should lock myself out of my phone till it's fixed or something like that. I searched for men in bathing suits and lo and behold it worked. So now I could've searched for any inappropriate image on the www.

Now in the past I would've succumbed easily. Like I did 28 days ago. I mean, I had all my filters in place and they failed me. What more could I do? But that was the lust obsessed uneducated version of me. The new and improved product calmly closed the app and started thinking what to do. I assumed that I couldn't uninstall it because all the apps that came with my Samsung can't be uninstalled. So I wasn't sure what to do. I decided at least to try and BH it gave me the option to uninstall it! I quickly uninstalled it. The app stores are blocked, both Samsung and Google Play so I can't redownload it, so now I was once again safe.

The fact that I reached such a point is a gift from Hashem, A gift from GYE, and a gift from all of you guys who are here now and were here in the past, educating and sharing your struggles and experiences. Thank you all so much.

I ask Hashem to continue giving me the right perspective and to help me maintain such clarity in this subject.

Of course, I must remain vigilant and at the top of my game always. I never know where the next battle will take place and I must always be ready to mobilize my forces.

                                  Grant

Good stuff!

This is chashuve growth, keep shteiging!

Update: So far doing really good BH. Initial reaction after last unfortunate fall still as strong as right after.

I just have 2 points I'd like the oilams opinion on.

1) My whole life I was an extreme luster. When I got married I was sex obsessed (No I'm not! I'm a regular HEALTHY man!). I had certain understandings how my bedroom was supposed to look (I don't mean decor), and I caused a lot of issues. BH after figuring out that the problems were caused by me (Me?!? All I want is for HER to enjoy! I'm SO selfless) I corrected it and with the help of Hashem everything is slowly falling back into place.

Since joining GYE I've been slaving away and working on myself to change my mindset regarding lust and sex. I now understand that it's definitely not a need at all (But, but...). In the past I tried to turn every intimate moment into sex, and even if I didn't it took superhuman effort not to. If I was excited, a release was a MUST! Now I am on a whole different planet. It's not something that I wonder the whole day if and when my next fix will come. I am not upset if the plans don't work out, and actually beg my better half to please go to sleep if she's tired and not do me a favor.

But. Although I'm not obsessing and not laser focused on it, nevertheless it's still on my mind. It's not a thought that I need it or that she must be willing because its been x amount of days already etc. but just "oh, if its tonight it will be enjoyable ", or "yeah, If now it'd be nice, because I'm in the mood" (Like when am I not). But if not I'm perfectly ok with it too!

So my question is: Did I reach the desire level of a regular healthy non extra-lusting male, or do I still have work to do and this is just a lower level of wrongful lusting? If yes, how do I do that?

2) A very nice caring fellow PMed me with the following point.

He read through my thread and noted an observation that someone here pointed out to him about himself, and he felt that it may apply to me.

He saw that I've started with lust, moved on to movies in an addictive way and gave that up too. Now he sees I'm on GYE a lot (Understatement,  I know I should shut the heck up already! ). He beautifully pointed out that maybe GYE became my new "drug" or hobby and is replacing the time and thought that went into movies, and unless I stop with that too (Stop cheering! I literally can hear you) I am not going to be totally healed unless I throw out all my "pacifiers" and face myself.

The truth is I've recently discussed this with myself, (it was a great discussion, we seemed to be on the same page, and thought we were both incredibly handsome too) and decided that that's not the case. Because I've actually had a lot of stuff come up and I wouldn't have nearly as much time for movies as I used to. So technically this isn't a replacement as far as extra time goes. Also, one of the primary reasons I try to remain connected is that it keeps my resolution and resolve fresh, and forces me to continue giving thought to the topic of remaining clean. It truly serves as daily or hourly inspiration. (Yay! It helps you...but why do we have to suffer!?!)

But after ruminating about this over shabbos, I'm not sure if that's the truth or just the truth as I want it.

So my friends I ask you this: Wadaya think? Should I cut down on the amount of time I'm on GYE to assist in my complete recovery of all of these things that give one the ability not to be מיחד with himself, and not have to think?

                                   Grant

טאטע לעבען איך האט דיר געפרעגט די ב קשיות ביטע ענפערט מיר א תירוץ     

Only you can answer that, but I will say this, yes GYE can be a replacement but at the end of the day what you need to do is replace your bad habits with productive ones. If GYE fills that void and you feel productive with the time you spend here, then I think you hit a jackpot. If on the other hand you find GYE taking you away from the things that are really important to you (learning, family, work, etc.) then it may be an indicator that it's too much.

As far as bedroom life, it may be better to find a BB thread to discuss that on.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

I sometimes feel like GYE is my pacifier, in an unhealthy or avoidant way. It’s definitely a better pacifier then lust, but it is a pacifier nonetheless.

But in regards to you, I personally would be devastated if you stopped your frequent, magnificent and eloquent posts. So please don’t go cold turkey on us...

Sorry, couldn't read the whole post; just skipped to the questions:
Grant400 wrote on 15 Nov 2020 15:59:

What brought you here in the first place? Was it that your life was unmanageable? Did you feel like you just wanted to quit whatever lustful actions you were doing? Something else? Is that problem solved?
Ultimately, I suspect that your goal is not to "reach the desire level of a regular healthy non extra-lusting male," rather something a bit more lofty.

Is GYE creating the same issues that lust was? Taking up too much time, taking over your life, etc.? (For me it was at one point. That's why I didn't read the whole post.) Do you feel you will revert to your old behaviors if you go on hiatus? Maybe talk to a therapist if there are serious behaviors that you feel need to be addressed.

Thanks to all who responded!

@BigMoish: Regarding your first point. Yes, I feel my problem is more or less solved. That's exactly why I asked this question to make sure it is all the way solved or to know if it needs more work. (If you read my thread you'll see my problems were never at a point where life was unmanageable, but I know you don't want to spend too much time...)

Regarding your second point: No I do not feel like GYE is doing the same thing as the original issues, and I won't revert to my old behaviors without it. My question is, am I fooling myself?

@Wilnevergiveup: I hear your point. As far as posting the first question in the BB forum, I don't think what I wrote is too much for the regular forum.

@OE: Thanks for the kind words!