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Demolished wrote on 28 Oct 2020 12:18:

good question.

Demolished wrote on 27 Oct 2020 13:03:

אפשר איז טאקע בעסער די זאלסט דיך אנרעדן אז מיר פארשטייען נישט, אזוי גייסטו אויסרעדן אלעס וואס ליגט אויף דיין הארטץ אן קיין בישה.
ס'נישט דא קיין בעסערע מעדיצין, און מיר אלע שטיין צו פארדינן...

Demolished wrote on 28 Oct 2020 12:18:

:עיין קושית רבינו דימאלישד ד"ה איבעי להו וכו

ולי נראה שיש לדייק מהא דכתב הערתו מיד אחר דברי גראנט שכתב בפירוש שכוונתו הוא שצוה
לכתוב אידיש שכוונתו הוא גם כן באידיש

ועוד ע"ש שהקיש ולחץ "תודה"  על דברי גראנט ומבואר גם מזה שהסכים לדבריו

אבל באמת מי שלמד מה שכתבו יפה יבין מדבריו שהוא מכוון לזה כבר מפני שיסודו הוא גופא שאין שום נפקא מינה איזה לשון שאחד מדבר ובלבד שיכוון לבו לשמים מפני שכאן כל אחד מדבר שפה של הלב

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Getting back to where this all began, I was sick in bed for the last two days and have not been able to do much. I don't feel very productive and I am not feeling the greatest.

I couldn't daven with a minyan or go to Yeshiva which have been the foundation of my daily structure. It is challenging to accept that Hashem doesn't want those things from me now and he is asking for something else. I just hope that when I get over this I will be able to regain the momentum.

Some slight urges today mostly due to being stuck at home all day. With Hashem's help I was able to keep everything at bay (although I did do a lot of munching, something that I have been working on too).

Either way, it's nice to see those numbers growing slow and steady.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Refuah Sheleima!

Refuah Sheleima
hope to see you back here a.s.a.p.

Refuah shleima buddy. We need you strong and productive so you can inspire. Don't let the discomfort and boredom get you down.

That is really sweet of you guys, thank you so much.

I spent a lot of yesterday watching GYE videos and reading through old threads, I guess not a terrible way to spend the day.
Was very anxious like I really wanted to do a two hour workout but my head was hurting too much.

B"H I didn't do anything that I wouldn't be proud of so that's great.

In the past, 22 days was freak out time, it's when it would usually start building up and soon it would all be over. All the promises, all the kabalos, all the incentives would suddenly be meaningless because I had this monster inside me.

Now B"H 22 days in I am calm and not even thinking out how long this will last. I am just doing my job today. Of course I know that if I do what I need to do every day I will succeed, but for now I deal with today, today, and tomorrow I will deal with when it shows up.

Wilnevergiveup 

Hashem saved me today.

Not a good thing, I don't like to have to rely on Him for these things.

Overall I am doing fine, there is one image that for some reason keeps popping back into my head and I am waiting for it to pass. It wasn't avoidable, I did everything in my power and still it resurfaced some things that I had wished I forgot.

Gam zeh ya'avor I hope. 

I don't want the poison or the sweetness that comes with it thank you very much. 

Sometimes, I wish I could live on a farm with my wife and kids with a whole bunch of animals where we would be far away from all these people who make their sole purpose on this planet to attract attention.
I know this is obviously not what G-d has in mind for me but I still think it would be nice (for other reasons too).
I guess I would still have to go to the city for simchas so not sure if there is even any point.

I used to love the events where everyone would dress up, those were the best times to feed my lust. There is always the cousin who wants to shmooze (about shidduchim of course!).
These days, I dread them. I don't want to get near them. Before I am always strong, after I am always weak, major setback, that's for sure.

The good news is, at least I grew that much. 

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup 

It's time for me to do some chazara, for those of you who would like to join, here goes.

I am a good person. If sometimes I have an urge to do something not good, that doesn't become who I am, rather something that I struggle with.

I make mistakes, no one is perfect. When those times roll around, there is nothing wrong with saying, okay there is somethings that I cannot do, or there are somethings that just take time and don't work on the first try (or fifth or fiftieth).

It's not all or bust, 90% is way better than anything less and I don't have t be perfect to be growing. (I really have to read this one a few times....)

Lusting and acting out is not something that I really want to do, it's something that a monster that has overtaken me desires. The real me knows that if I let this monster have it's will I will be miserable. The real me knows that this is not something that I want or something that will make me happy. The real me knows that I will not only be able to live without it but that I will thrive without it.

If G-d forbid I deprive myself of this fleeting pleasure, I will not die a horrible death, or suffer for the rest of time.
I will be happy, I will prosper, I will be able to do the things that I really want, I will be loyal, I will escape the guilt, I will be happier (worth mentioning twice). 

When the deed is done the feeling afterwards (and during) is so awful and gross it's just mot worth it.

I want my home to have a higher level of kedusha, I want my kids to grow in an environment of purity, I don't want the neshamos of my kids on the way to say, "not that house".

The further I am from this, the closer I will be to reaching my spiritual goals. Hashem created the mitzvos as the tool to know what will bring us to overcome our desires. Overcoming physical desire is the root of all avodas Hashem, my connection to Hashem is equal to to the level of my disconnection from pursuing physical things.

I love myself, but I have to realize that myself consists of two parts, one that has the power to make me great and one to destroy me. I need to remember to follow the advice and the desires of the real me, the me that is looking out for my benefit and not the me that is only worried about itself. I need to listen to the me that has goals that are not to please itself but to please it's creator. The me that is out for pleasure is stealing from the real me and from it's creator.

There are things that I just cannot control (yes lots of them) and anything that is out of my control is not something worth worrying about. 

Do your best and then daven. connect to Hashem, every time you daven it makes no difference for what and what happens after, the davening itself brings you closer to Hashem. One of the reasons we daven is to acknowledge that whatever it is that we are davening for is in Hashem's hands. We are acknowledging that it is beyond our control and that Hashem is the kol yachol. Whether He chooses to do something or not, He could, and coming to terms with that brings us closer to Him.

Things don't always go the way you want, that's how it is. It doesn't mean that Hashem hates you or is punishing you, it means that Hashem is telling you "hi, I see you I notice you, I care for you enough to send you a reminder to call out to me and strengthen our connection."

Davening and doing good things don't guarantee that everything is going to work out how you planned it. They do guarantee you becoming closer to Hashem.

Hashem, please continue to give me clarity, please help me grow, please help me fill my life with meaning. Please help me never turn to lust as a means to feel good, I would much rather feel good by becoming closer to you. 
Hashem, please keep me clean today, help he be pure and help me bring out my part in revealing your glory.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Wow this is literally JUST what i needed tonight. Ur a Malach and i mean it. Youv'e given me such Chizuk. I am ever so grateful. 
Thanks,
Excellence

Beautiful! I see some breslev torah in you