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Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life?
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TOPIC: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 4871 Views

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 12 Oct 2020 19:11 #356021

  • wilnevergiveup
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Now it's time for me to be honest here. 

I had a rough patch today and I need to do something to make sure it doesn't progress into anything worse.

I will Iy"h post here daily at least until the end of the week whether I stimulated myself or not. Today I did, but I am moving forward and as a new person now I am looking forward to not stimulating at all. I know that it's integral and that's exactly why I am posting this. I will go the rest of the day without it and with Hashem's help deal with the coming days as they come.
I don't need to, I do it because I'm bored, out of habit and because it feels good (duh). I don't need it and I don't want it, and therefore I won't do it.

In other news, I rekindled my (hopefully) daily mussar seder today. This has been an integral part of my journey. I don't learn the dreary depressing stuff, I try to learn sefarim that help me understand our relationship with Hashem. There are so many great ones and they are all translated into English. Rav Dessler's Michtav Me'Eliyahu, is a great sefer where he answers basically all the basic questions that most people ask about Hashem and the Torah. I kept on hearing people quoting Rav Dessler says this and that, but no one could explain the concepts better then reading them yourself. A lot of people quote Rav Dessler don't really understand what he means or never even saw it inside, when you see it yourself, it's just different.

Anyways, see you guys tomorrow.
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Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 13 Oct 2020 05:36 #356064

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wilnevergiveup wrote on 08 Oct 2020 05:43:
I just had a fall, quite humbling to see that chart at 0 again.

This journey ain't over fellas.

It's amazing thinking how far I have come and so strange that I only truly grasp this after a fall.

I was at 172, hope to see you again in another 172 days!

I am just laughing how sometimes we ask people here, how long is your streak, sometimes even if the answer is really low they could be coming off a nice long one.

For me B"H it's not about the streak, and this fall has taught me an important lesson. Number one I need to be extra vigilant when I have lots of time on my hands and am not keeping busy and productive (bein hazmanim, basically) but really what I need to work on more is something that I have started to be a little lax on and that is that nothing is going to happen if I "deprive" myself of this pleasure or any pleasure for that matter.
Over Y"T I found myself lax in my diet too as well as some other areas and for me they all go hand in hand, either my mindset is strong about saying no to my desires or it's weak.

I really need to work on my self control in general. The truth is that I have grown a lot in this area over the last half a year but lately have been lax.

Something that scares me a little is that I really have been sleeping for the last week and and change. When I am focused I can do whatever it is that I really want to but sometimes I just stop thinking and put myself on cruise control, my cruise control is to run after pleasure.

I guess whenever I am cruising I can be sure that I will stumble, so I've got no make sure not to give up control, no driverless cars for me.

I have been learning daily mussar and it has helped me tremendously and this is another thing that I have been lax about during bein hazemanim, I don't think it's a coincidence.

This is a wake up call, hey you! Wake up! Look what happens when your sleeping!

Why I can only wake up with a fall beats me but thank G-d at least that I can do.

I need to wake up, take control of my life and run it the way I really want to (or just plain run it and not get run over by my desires).

Ramchal writes in Mesilas Yesharim that when we are focused it's very hard for the Y"H to get us to sin, that's why one of the Y"H's greatest tricks is to make us lose focus, like Pharoh did to the Jews in Mitzrayim. He knew that they were able to revolt so he worked them so hard that they had no time to think about it. So I guess to sum it up, the goal now is to figure out how to stay focused.

For a fleeting moment I feel like falling again, but as I am writing this I am strengthening myself that I will not die, it will be okay, I am in this world for less selfish things then this.

Really random but I was just thinking, is there anything more selfish then this? Can anyone think of anything else? 

I know I have to restart my mussar seder but does anyone have any other ideas how to stay focused?

Perhaps post more on my own thread?

All the best.

Gadlus!  Honesty, courage, wisdom, and most of all resilience. Stopping after one fall is a major game changer. Keep inspiring. Oh how i wish when i was down in the dumps after falling and falling and falling, that i could haver read such a post from someone that had such a musag of self worth!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

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Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 13 Oct 2020 17:45 #356088

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Hey fellas, I am all mixed up with the days because I usually post at the end of the day (in Israel) and my count only resets in the morning so I'm finished with figuring out what day it is.

Anyhow, I had a very busy day, too busy to look and too busy to touch thank G-d. B"H I had a very productive day and feel great.

I was thinking about posting a daily piece from Rav Dessler, rewritten in my own words as a way to be mechazek myself. I will try to keep them short and meaningful, just general hashkafah, not particularly related to lust issues. I don't know how long it will last but I will give it a shot at least for the next few days and see how it goes. 

I think I am going to start a new thread in the Torah and Chizzuk section of the forum for this and keep this thread focused on my personal struggles.

I also want to thank all you guys for the tremendous support, all the responses and thumbs up really mean a lot to me.

All the best
Check out My thread

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Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 14 Oct 2020 05:45 #356157

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Still climbing this ladder, one rung at a time.

Really random but I was thinking, no matter how hard I try or how high I jump, it will still take me 90 days to get to 90 days clean.

It takes patience, that's it.

All the best
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
Last Edit: 14 Oct 2020 05:45 by wilnevergiveup.

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 14 Oct 2020 05:53 #356158

  • OivedElokim
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Yeah. I think there’s an expression in the 12 steps circles (think i read this in one of Rabbi Twerski’s books) “Time takes time...”
Anyways, Hatzlacha. Keep living up to your username....
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.

“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future”.

My thread

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 15 Oct 2020 08:44 #356251

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We are a week in and that's great. B"H I have been really good lately with not seeking and not stimulating so that's a good sign.

Today, I daven that Hashem should help me be lust free, understand that I don't need it and that I don't want it. Please help me keep my mind where it belongs and my hands where they belong, and help me bring myself closer to you every single day, by overcoming my desires.
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 15 Oct 2020 13:53 #356260

  • Dave M
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wilnevergiveup wrote on 15 Oct 2020 08:44:
We are a week in and that's great. 


Dont forget your miles ahead of when you started your GYE journey.  It helps to go back and review one's thread from time to time.  

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 15 Oct 2020 14:43 #356265

  • Grant400
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wilnevergiveup wrote on 15 Oct 2020 08:44:
We are a week in and that's great. B"H I have been really good lately with not seeking and not stimulating so that's a good sign.

Today, I daven that Hashem should help me be lust free, understand that I don't need it and that I don't want it. Please help me keep my mind where it belongs and my hands where they belong, and help me bring myself closer to you every single day, by overcoming my desires.

AMEN!!!!

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 16 Oct 2020 12:20 #356314

  • wilnevergiveup
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Doing well B"H, with Hashem's help I was able to stay clean this whole week with with no stimulation once I made the commitment. It's still very important for me to remember that I don't want it and don't need it and that I have to review this every single day. 

B"H I have been consistent with my mussar seder and feel much better then I did at the beginning of the week. I am not sure what's the chicken and what's the egg but when things go well, they generally go well across the board and when things don't go well, they just don't in all areas. 

Looking forward to a really nice Shabbos.
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Last Edit: 16 Oct 2020 12:21 by wilnevergiveup.

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 18 Oct 2020 00:32 #356343

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The posuk says Sheva Yipol Tzadik V'kom. Rav Tzadok says why does it say Tzadik after it says Yipol. You're a tzadik after you fall? Rav Tzadok says yes because he knows he will get up again and again and again. That's what makes him a Tzadik. 

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 18 Oct 2020 05:43 #356358

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B"H Shabbos was great, I had siyatah dishmayah and I was able to do a lot more learning than I normally do, so that feels accomplishing. 

Working on writing out thought from Michtav Me'Eliyahu has been more challenging then I expected which is great because that was the point. I am not going to stop, it's just taking more time then I expected, to put something together. Something productive that take a lot of time, what could be better then that.

The zman starts for me on Monday so I will have much less time on my hands, I am looking forward to a great winter, iy"h my first winter zman free from captivity (even if I fall occasionally I am still free). I hope to grow closer to Hashem this zman, grow in my learning, davening and chessed. 

I am really looking forward to the challenge, it wont be easy, growing never is, but ooooh it feels good afterwards (purely shelo lishmah). 

All the best
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

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Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 18 Oct 2020 21:29 #356400

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wilnevergiveup wrote on 18 Oct 2020 05:43:
(even if I fall occasionally I am still free).

This line should be highlighted and bolded. 
The attitude of 'I am not a guy that does this stuff' is arguably the biggest gamechanger. 
It makes the deed a red line that I don't naturally cross, even if I can mistakenly fall occasionally. 
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number 

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 19 Oct 2020 00:07 #356403

  • Chever-ihr
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Hello Friend.

To answer your question straight up, yes you will have to battle this for the rest of your life. HOWEVER, it will get relatively easier as time goes on and you get stronger. Chazal make it very clear that we are never fully out of danger of falling and demonstrate that even the tzadikim almost fell (Kiddushin 81-82)

I personally am about 3.5 years clean after more than a decade of fighting and davening and falling and going back to the mikva and starting the whole cycle over again.

There are many weeks that I have struggles and urges on a daily basis and some where a few days can pass by and I'm not even tempted. It comes and goes and I will likely spend the rest of my life fighting the yh like every other healthy individual. Hashem wants to see you put up a fight, it's not always about whether you win or lose. Obviously that should not become a fallback option but we know what it means.

BH I'm married to a wonderful woman and have two beautiful boys. Hashem gives me a lot of challenges but He also challenges me constantly. That's what we're meant to do.

What I've found works for me practically to say no to an urge is reminding myself of how miserable I feel afterwards and how spiritually low and stuffed up I feel. Sure it'd be better to use an Ahava approach, but the yirah one works just as good sometimes.

May Hashem be with you.רגלי צדיקים ישמור

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 19 Oct 2020 12:00 #356425

  • wilnevergiveup
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Chever-ihr wrote on 19 Oct 2020 00:07:
Hello Friend.

To answer your question straight up, yes you will have to battle this for the rest of your life. HOWEVER, it will get relatively easier as time goes on and you get stronger. Chazal make it very clear that we are never fully out of danger of falling and demonstrate that even the tzadikim almost fell (Kiddushin 81-82)


Thank you for your response, I really appreciate the support.

I agree with your point, however, you must have misunderstood the question. The question was not, am I going to struggle for the rest of my life, the question was, "Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life." 

What was bothering me was not the struggle, it was the fact that I was trapped doing something self destructive, that I didn't even want.

I am referring to the concept of the "SIT" diet, those who listened to "The Fight" knows what I am referring to.

The answer to this question is an resounding NO! No I do not have to and will not suffer for the rest of my life, I will do everything in my power and leave the rest to G-d. 

With Hashem's help I don't suffer anymore, I still struggle and still fall, but don't suffer.

Yes, there are times that are more difficult than others but I am not living anymore in a life that is completely consumed by this. Yes when there is a struggle there is also some degree of suffering, but with Hashem's help I have been clean 97% of the time over the last six months.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

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Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 19 Oct 2020 16:21 #356430

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Yes, there are times that are more difficult than others but I am not living anymore in a life that is completely consumed by this.

This resonates with me very much. One of the ways I look at it is not wanting to be totally engulfed and forever hungry for it.

I seem to have misunderstood your original point. NO you will NOT suffer forever. As you grow and climb higher you will find yourself able to breathe and think clearly. You will see the world in a light that is not 100% driven to fulfill a twisted passion.

Hashem should help you. If you don't give up on yourself, neither will He.
Hatzlacha.
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