I am new today. What a wonderful website. Thanks. I have followed Rabbi Twerski for many years. I love his books.

Hi! Guard your eyes is a GREAT place to be for people like us, from my own experience I can say that by posting, singing up to the 90 day chart, chatting with friends here...... was really a life savor for me, so keep on posting and staying in touch.
I wish you lots of hatzlucha on your/our journey!!

Just saw your thread. I too struggled, and still do with masturbation. Like yours, my fight has been mostly 25 years of losing. Until now. I joined GYE, and started the 90 day challenge. I lasted 18 days, started again, lasted 18 days, and then started again. I was quite surprised when I kept myself clean for 194 days!!! My previous best had been 34.5 days. I am no again on the 90 day chart, and today is 30 days clean. Some points that I picked up on the way:
1) I am not as bad a guy as I thought I was. If I was able to keep myself clean on Shabosim. that meant that my souls is not dead to Kedusha. [If you managed to keep clean for Yom Kippur, that means the same for you!!!]
2) The biggest proof to myself that I am still in the fight was signing up to the GYE site. I found that even after 25 years of defeat, I still wanted to win. I still had that dream of one day maybe being clean. I wasn't sure that I could still fight, but at some level I still wanted to. [The very fact that you joined this site indicates the same. Your soul is NOT rotten to the core as  you suggest. You did sign up to the site, after all]
3) I too had seen that Chazal, the more we satiate it, the more it hungers. It took a while, but I have seen it with my own eyes, and felt it with my own body. They are right!!! It seems the hardest at first, but the fight does get easier as time passes. [I fell because I let my guard down, and borrowed a friend's unfiltered computer. Even though there was a real need for me to have it, I overestimated myself, and I fell after around a week.]
4) This will be a long struggle. It won't necessarily be easy. But, it is a struggle that I can win. I kept clean for 194 days, I know that I can do that again. At first the number was much smaller, If I kept clean for 30 days, I can keep clean for 31 days. Then 32, then 33, etc.
5) I davened a lot, begging Hashem to give me the strength to keep myself clean, and to not overly tempt me. Many times, things just seemed to work out for me. After seeing Hashem's hand I things, I started to have an easier time with things. [I still fell anyway though]

All the best to you in your struggle! This is a hard, but ultimately winnable, fight!

Thanks Yerushalmi,

Baruch Hashem I'm at 11 days and counting.  The urge has subsided a little, but is still very strong.  All my spare moments thoughts are creeping into my head.  Not necessarily x-rated, but the urge to ma*ate.  The thing that's different this time than all others is that I am on the website, and correspond with others like yourself.

I have two great fears right now.  Firstly, if and when I fall again (seems most people still have falls after joining the site, it's no silver bullet), I will feel like, here we go again, this is another failed method (this is why for the past while I've stopped trying any kind of shmirah for myself, because I new I'd continue falling).
Secondly, If I went 194 days and fell, I'd really be in the dumps.  I know, it's still an accomplishment etc. but I barely had the kochos to start the first time...

Thistimeillwin wrote on 27 Sep 2018 09:57:

So you have fear of failure and fear of success.

I think you can eliminate the fear if you use your current actions to understand your mind better. That way whether in the end you choose to act out again you still have the new knowledge you gained, and it will be an asset you can use later if you do have to start again.

This is hard to do for people who are not really analytical, perhaps rely on a lot of metaphors, and don't ask "why" all the time. So I don't know if this idea will appeal to you or not.

Another permanent advantage of being clean for a while is that when you are clean other people may seek your help. If you do provide help, this will usually help you stay clean as well.

On my fear sheets (many times over), I listed and wrote and spoke about (on the calls) that I have a fear of failin' and succeedin'. Now, I have neither.

It used to be that after a fall from a long clean period (i.e. 2 - 3 weeks), I'd feel in the dumps, feel like I am absolutely worthless, feel that there is no point in trying at all, I am bound to lose anyway etc. 
At some point on my 194 day journey, I realized that things are only that way because I chose to see them that way. I can choose to think of myself as a failure, and then I will indeed act like one, despondency and all. I could also choose to view myself as a fighter. I imagined that the enemy armies are invading my country en masse. Up until now, they gained ground easily, without any real resistance. Now, things are different. I don't have to give ground so easily. Even if I lose a specific fight, I went down fighting. I didn't just give in at the first sign of difficulty. As a fighter, I get back up after a fall, and prepare for  the next attack. When I fell after 194 days, I acted out a total of 8 times over the course of a week. A year ago, it would have been much more. I then decided, enough is enough, time to get back on track, and time to get into the fight again. Today is 31 days clean and counting.
Another thing I realized, and this also took me years internalize, is that the entire attitude is wrong. Every time that I was tempted, and did not give in, was a tremendous victory! Huge! Those victories are mine to cherish! They can not be taken away from me! Hashem is happy (so to speak) every time I win. I can also be happy with a win. Even if the next loss is just around the corner, my stack of wins still stands shining brightly amidst the gloom. It is something that I can say about, "I fought for 194 days to serve Hashem properly!" It is something that I can think about and cherish, those wins. When times are at their toughest, I look back to those days, and say to myself "YES I can!!"

It used to be that after a fall from a long clean period (i.e. 2 - 3 weeks), I'd feel in the dumps, feel like I am absolutely worthless, feel that there is no point in trying at all, I am bound to lose anyway etc. 

At some point on my 194 day journey, I realized that things are only that way because I chose to see them that way. I can choose to think of myself as a failure, and then I will indeed act like one, despondency and all. I could also choose to view myself as a fighter. I imagined that the enemy armies are invading my country en masse. Up until now, they gained ground easily, without any real resistance. Now, things are different. I don't have to give ground so easily. Even if I lose a specific fight, I went down fighting. I didn't just give in at the first sign of difficulty. As a fighter, I get back up after a fall, and prepare for  the next attack. When I fell after 194 days, I acted out a total of 8 times over the course of a week. A year ago, it would have been much more. I then decided, enough is enough, time to get back on track, and time to get into the fight again. Today is 31 days clean and counting.

Another thing I realized, and this also took me years internalize, is that the entire attitude is wrong. Every time that I was tempted, and did not give in, was a tremendous victory! Huge! Those victories are mine to cherish! They can not be taken away from me! Hashem is happy (so to speak) every time I win. I can also be happy with a win. Even if the next loss is just around the corner, my stack of wins still stands shining brightly amidst the gloom. It is something that I can say about, "I fought for 194 days to serve Hashem properly!" It is something that I can think about and cherish, those wins. When times are at their toughest, I look back to those days, and say to myself "YES I can!!"Thank you. Well said.

How u been?