sht wrote on 27 Aug 2018 22:30:

We all have our own set of desires; it's how we react to them that makes a difference.

Some abstain by tyin' their hands in a knot (either figuratively, or with chopsticks); some develop methods of distraction, some work a program thatI teachers them tools - either how to avoid the situation or how to deal with it inI a healthy manner.

Godspeed to you

so i am not sure what ur suggesting i cant find any of these kind of tools on this site thanks 

sht wrote on 28 Aug 2018 01:05:

Start with the handbook.

Start by speaking with some chevra here who can hold your hand and give you the confidence to not act on the desire you have. Many people on the site can share very interesting and even strange desires and impulses. They have learned to accept themselves as good people who for whatever reason were born with or developed very challenging urges. Once they have accepted themselves as kosher Jews they learn to ride the waves as the urges come. When the tsunami hits with force, they duck under...….. It may sound poetic to you, but it really works. Stay connected, have hatzlocha, and iyh soon you will be helping others who don't believe they can keep their hands where they belong. 

because eventually i fall thru  and i act out  

if you believe you will fall, then you will fall...….

Markz wrote on 27 Aug 2018 16:30:


I wish the subway will end...

Maybe I need to sign up for weekly blessings.

sht wrote on 28 Aug 2018 03:51:

I see. So you are like everybody else here then.

In terms of where you run into your challenge: is it even day to day like, say, when you are in shul? Or is it only when you are near your friend?

no its actually not day to day its when i meet him (and i cant not meet him for what ever reason) but i also struggle with looking at men with tight pence or with people i once saw their privates (mikva etc.) and i fantasize about them   

I hope you know this guy isnt your true friend, he just likes your figure.

sht wrote on 28 Aug 2018 18:09:

Me too. Thanks for answering all these vexing questions. Now I have a better idea.

Have you considered using surrender / the acceptance paradox when that happens?

i am not sure what u mean (why dont we pm instead of on the public forum i will be able to be mo explicit) 

Have you read the handbook yet?

Have you spoken to anyone about your problem?

sht wrote on 28 Aug 2018 23:01:

Sure.

sht wrote on 28 Aug 2018 23:01:

I saw that you sent me a pm around 4 am. Sorry I wasn't online then.

Maybe I should explain something: I am mildly bipolar and I have the ability to see a huge problem as a small one, so I probably can't totally sympathize with you properly. I acknowledged my addiction years ago and I have difficulty remembering how much pain that is. But for the same reason I also zero in on the things that really matter in hours instead of weeks. Therefore you have already provided me with the important information.

I think surrender, a.k.a. the acceptance paradox, a.k.a. giving it up to G-d, could (but is not certain to) help you remove the desire to look or think about the male anatomy, in every day to day setting.

I will attempt to explain what surrender is, to persuade you that the time to try it out is well spent. When you desire something which puts you beyond the community of decent people as you understand it, you may decide you basically don't deserve to live. This is what causes irresistible desires. You think it's irresistible because in your belief system your brain can't exist with those desires, hence the desire must not be your choice.) Surrender is a physical behavior that prevents your brain from making that deduction. You still hold the same moral standard (desiring X means I don't deserve to live ...) but you give yourself a one-time pass.

To actually surrender you might whisper "Hashem, please take that away [ the man's anatomy ] because I can't do it."

I think cordnoy or Dov may have other spins on that.

If you want to rant to me on the phone I can make myself available for that, but this post is basically my first feedback to you based on the very meaningful information you already provided.