grateful4life wrote on 15 Jul 2018 14:20:

In a nutshell she agreed that she has a problem and went to therapy for it. Didn't seem to help too much though...

mzl (I haven't figured out how to separate the quotes) - It definitely helps me not to have expectations. However, the problem is that being an addict when I have my wife being all interested and all is still at the very least a trigger. Even if I don't actually watch anything problematic it makes it much much harder to watch my eyes etc. 

Cordnoy - I try very much to put her first. Without going in to too many details whenever she isn't interested and we are together anyway it doesn't feel good at all. In fact it feels almost like rape even if she is willing (but not interested). You are most definitely right that this addiction boils down to anochiyus. Yet even with that said it feels like even if I totally overcome this struggle it won't make her more interested but I guess once it's not about me anymore then I won't care. To me that seems like an extremely high level and impossible for me to attain such lofty heights even with the "one day at a time" approach. By the way, I really took tons out from what I read from your threads. It's probably going to take me a good while to finish reading them though. I very much identify with many aspects of what you went through and I really appreciate you being there for someone else who could use the help. Thank you

Ummm, I think you haven't tried it. This one is not about expectations, it's about the future. Expectations is a different idea.

Sure. It's a subtle difference. Predicting the future vs expecting someone to behave a certain way. You can tell the difference when you think about how these thoughts make you feel. A wife expects her husband to put down the toilet seat and feels angry when he doesn't. I would call that an expectation. When you see that she wants it early in the day and you start thinking about s** you are predicting the future. Once night comes around, you may also then expect it, you might, as a result, feel angry if she doesn't provide. But say when night rolls around she becomes niddah, you won't be angry at her because it's not her fault. You are not expecting her to have s** when she is niddah. So you don't feel angry. But you still have the problem that you want s** as a result of predicting s** all afternoon.

mzl wrote on 16 Jul 2018 09:43:

Sorry, I'm just not getting it. When my wife shows interest I say to myself "probably nothing is going to come out of this" and therefore the disappointment is lessened significantly. In other words I'm not expecting anything to happen/I'm predicting the future that nothing will happen. However, its like a trigger that gets me interested at least similar to looking to inappropriate things or not being careful with shmira einayim. Maybe expectations means different things to us and that's why there's a misunderstanding or I'm simply not getting what your saying. 

Hi Chevra!
It's been a real long time since I've posted on the forum. I've been really busy with my SA program, step work, and therapy, besides for all my "real life" stuff. This thread however brought up some good stuff for me and I wanted to share it. I recently shared this with an SA friend, and I'm sharing it here again.

"The main common denominator for me is the insane need to be in control. I've always fantasized about being in control - about forcing a woman to want me, and giving her pleasure whether she wanted it or not. Of knowing that she needed me to make her feel good.....

This is how I acted in the bedroom as well. All I ever wanted to do was give my wife the maximum pleasure possible. It was never about me. Ever. When people shared about their abuse of their wives in the bedroom, I totally could not relate. And so when I was told that I was not caring about my wife and that it was causing me all kinds of problems, I simply could not accept it. How am I not caring about her if I am ONLY trying to pleasure her?! It took a very long time for me to realize that all of my giving to her was really taking for my self!! I didn’t want to give her what she wanted. I only wanted to give her what I wanted her to want!! So if she wasn’t in the mood for a “mind blowing experience”, but I wanted her to have one, I was ticked off. This helped me to understand that it really was about me, and not her!!



This was a real turning point in my marriage and in my life in general. I realized how much the need to be in control dominated everything I did. Even when giving to others, I was really taking for myself.



Today, I try to live my life being real. If I want something for me, that’s ok, as long as I can be aware that it is really for me, not the other person. I can then try to work on being less selfish, and more giving - in the true sense of the word. As long as I thought I was a giving person, I couldn’t possibly work on my selfishness - because I wasn’t selfish at all! It was only when I was able to acknowledge that trait in myself, that I was able to attempt to work on it.



Thanks for helping me bring that out!"



Hatzlocha!!

Yosef S.
AKA: Reb Yid

PS - I really enjoyed all the posts here and the honesty and vulnerability. I especially appreciated Skeptical's stuff. It really spoke to me!! Thanks to all of you!!

Earlier I fell. I found a way to get around my filter/accountability (albeit to a very limited degree). I already contacted the filter company requesting them to close this hole. Interestingly enough I don't feel particularly down and depressed. Perhaps its a good sign that I'm on the road to recovery? Or am I simply more desensitized? It seems more like the former option since its been almost 3 weeks since I last acted out at all

Agreed that I don't learn how to deal with unfiltered internet which is the main reason why I hang out here in the first place (take a look at my first post). Despite that I think my filter is super important to stop me. Lately I've been questioning whether I fall into the category of an addict at all since I most definitely did fall into that category but the more time passes the more it seems to be a smaller issue. Perhaps its because I am forced not to act out it creates the change - chitzoniyus meiros es hapnimius? As far as gye goes, with this private chat thing down we don't know what will happen