mzl wrote on 13 Jul 2018 10:19:

Imho - why torture yourself sitting at a restaurant with a bad date ?  get rid of her fast and grab some fast food...

I need some advice. When I first posted my story it wasn't the full story since I needed to get used to simply posting in the first place. One of the problems that I face when it comes to desire is my wife's lack of interest. Often times she will show herself to be interested during the day and at night say that she's tired and go to sleep. This happens frequently and there are times when 1, 2, 3, or even 4 weeks go by. Needless to say this makes things more difficult for me. Does anyone have a similar experience? Any advice would be appreciated, thanks!

JoyOfLife wrote on 15 Jul 2018 06:49:

This is what I do: at the moment she shows interest I tell this to myself, in my head: "I cannot know for sure that I'll be able to have s** with her tonight."

The point is you can't really know the future, there could be an urgent phone call, medical emergency, she forgot she had an appointmenf, the kids won't go to sleep, she got a headache, she got angry at me ...

On a practical level, she may be working too hard, so she's always tired.

JoyOfLife wrote on 15 Jul 2018 06:49:

II know, by me, it just seems that she's interested (and it is in our minds that she's sayin', "let's do it tonight"), but rather, it's more of a lovin' touch. 

And yes, even when they truly are (miraculously) hormoned-up during the day, it does not mean at all that thisI will last until the night time hours.

I wish I knew, really knewI, the above for the first couple of decades in my marriage.

Godspeed to all

mzl wrote on 15 Jul 2018 10:23:

To explain a little bit more. She is interested almost always during the day and tells me to wait till the night only to say she's tired. If this happened once in while then I could understand it but it happens regularly. In fact she is most interested when we are not allowed/can't be together for whatever reason. Its when it comes down to things that things change. Perhaps there are times when its just a loving touch (like cordnoy wrote) but more often than not its very clear that that's not the case. Also its not like we haven't spoken about this openly. I already know full well that 19/20 time she's interested during the day she's not interested at night so in my mind its not as difficult as it used to be to but it makes my struggle that much more difficult. She does work very hard but like I mentioned it happens almost all the time. I guess there really isn't much that I can do? Thoughts anyone?

JoyOfLife wrote on 15 Jul 2018 13:38:

Change some of the details, but basically the story of my life. It was finally figured out for me that I need to work on myself, but it's tough and the details can make a difference.

Wait, if you experienced something similar could you give me some more practical steps? What did you mean specifically by working on yourself? If you think this forum isn't a good place for this conversation could you PM me? It gives me hope that there might actually be a solution even if its tough, thanks

JoyOfLife wrote on 15 Jul 2018 14:14:

I'd be glad to. First, kindly look at my two main threads (found in my signature). They are long, but imho, well worth it, especially the posts written by others.

JoyOfLife wrote on 15 Jul 2018 13:38:

I assume you've had an open and honest discussion with your wife about this (when you were both calm). 
How did that go?

JoyOfLife wrote on 15 Jul 2018 13:38:

333403 above

It won't make your wife have s** with you at night, but it will stop the feelings you are struggling with.

I know when you read the instructions it sounds like it will never work ...

mzl wrote on 15 Jul 2018 10:23:

It's a good thought and a start, but ultimately it is still about the "i" and how you can be satisfied. Many of us need to learn on how to focus on her. Until we do that, we are bound for a life of fightin' and strugglin' (and gettin' her to dress up or down and putting her in uncomfortable positions (literally and figuratively)). 

Wow, you weren't kidding when you said they were long! I spent a few hours reading them and am nowhere near finishing it. Its interesting to see that quite a few people on the thread are now moderators/administrators 

grateful4life wrote on 15 Jul 2018 14:20:

In a nutshell she agreed that she has a problem and went to therapy for it. Didn't seem to help too much though...

mzl (I haven't figured out how to separate the quotes) - It definitely helps me not to have expectations. However, the problem is that being an addict when I have my wife being all interested and all is still at the very least a trigger. Even if I don't actually watch anything problematic it makes it much much harder to watch my eyes etc. 

Cordnoy - I try very much to put her first. Without going in to too many details whenever she isn't interested and we are together anyway it doesn't feel good at all. In fact it feels almost like rape even if she is willing (but not interested). You are most definitely right that this addiction boils down to anochiyus. Yet even with that said it feels like even if I totally overcome this struggle it won't make her more interested but I guess once it's not about me anymore then I won't care. To me that seems like an extremely high level and impossible for me to attain such lofty heights even with the "one day at a time" approach. By the way, I really took tons out from what I read from your threads. It's probably going to take me a good while to finish reading them though. I very much identify with many aspects of what you went through and I really appreciate you being there for someone else who could use the help. Thank you

Ummm, I think you haven't tried it. This one is not about expectations, it's about the future. Expectations is a different idea.

cordnoy wrote on 15 Jul 2018 14:53:

I think I see your point, but I think the idea of focusing on her is still about you. You are just redirecting in order for you to be free of your addiction. It's dishonest to think you are being altruistic when you are really acting altruistic for the purpose of good mental health.