#207 

Happened to be I had some breaks on the way, now I'm holding at mile marker 40 but I've traveled 207 miles already.

Anyhow וארא אל האבות like the famous vort that hashem reveals himself to those that want him.. 

All I truly want is to stay clean so bh the eibishter is helping me with it.

Good shabbos to all!

Wow, the past 24 hours were really tough.. it was a close call but BH I'm still clean... 
והקב"ה מצילנו מידם

P.s. that's why it says בא אל פרעה as opposed to לך אל פרעה cuz the eibishter comes with us to fight פרעה..

So I'll be honest and say I fell last night, I just platzed...

3rd time falling in 2 months... Not to good.. I know even though I didn't act out every day I was still feeding my lust here and there.. smart yh I have..
maybe shnitzel needs to start going to pa meetings?

I just need to stop!! I'll do anything, nothing gets into my way..
any suggestions?

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 07 Jan 2019 17:16:

Hi Shnitzel,

I feel for you. It must feel really depressing to get up today.
I just noticed your updated signature. I think there is an important lesson to be learned there. 
I might get major flack for the statement below, it goes against a lot of what people believe here, however I feel it might be important to some.
There is quoted in Chassidishe Seforim, a concept of falling without a bechira, especially in these subjects, and also the concept that this is a war for life, as quoted in your signature. Sometimes we win the battle and sometimes not, however we cannot forget about the bigger picture. The end goal of the war.
There are times when the test is not if you will fall or not. Rather the test is will you be depressed 30 days afterwards or keep on fighting.

Wishing you much Hatzlocha!

lionking wrote on 07 Jan 2019 17:53:



HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT LIONKING! IT GOES AGAINST A LOT OF WHAT PEOPLE BELIEVE HERE! FLACK FLACK FLACK! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU THINK WE SHOULD GET UP AFTER A FALL! IT'S THE YETZER HARAH TELLING US NOT TO GET DOWN ABOUT LAST NIGHT AND KEEP ON TRYING NEW THINGS! IF WE GET DEPRESSED AFTER A FALL THEN WE MUST BE REAL FINER YIDDEN, BECAUSE IT SHOWS THAT IT REALLY BOTHES US. NEVERMIND THE FACT THAT WE'LL PROBABLY FALL AGAIN DURING THAT DEPRESSION, WE CAN ALWAYS GET DEPRESSED FOR THAT TOO! IN FACT WE CAN SPEND OUR WHOLE LIFE BEING DEPRESSED. THERE'S NO REASON TO ACTUALLY STAY SOBER. I'M GETTING DEPRESSED JUST THINKING ABOUT SUCH K'FIRA THINGS SUCH AS YOU WROTE.. FLACK FLACK FLACK!

I decided to try the taphsik method before trying the pa meetings, and so I just made a שבוע if I act out within the next month I'll need to give $$$$ to tzedokoh... 

I'm hoping bezh it'll work.

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 07 Jan 2019 19:25:

Shnitz, I dont know if you were just being vague in your post, or if that was your actual shvuah. Although I've never used the taphsik method, to the best of my knowledge it needs to be a two level shvuah. For example, if I want to act out I will twirl lolly pops in my noise, or learn b'euin for 10 minutes. If I do those things and then act out, I do not pay. But if I skip the learning (or whatever I used as your first step deterent) and acted out, then I have to pay.
Simply saying that I will pay if I act out is just making a stronger slap on the wrist. It may work, but often it will not, since it allows us to go all of the way deep into the lust before we have to do anything. At that point it's often too late. The double sided taphsik method (which I have never used) aims to prevent one from even getting into the lustful situation to begin with.

Read all about it HERE.

The double method is just an extra option you can add, I did make just one shvuah, however I added bunch of details including reading things that trigger me etc

I understand you very very well! 

maybe after your lust goes away THINK and WRITE down how? it was triggered. so avoid these ROADS. 

let say by me: in need to be busy SO if im not busy- to PC stays closed. 
etc. etc. 


hatzlacha raba 

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 07 Jan 2019 20:47:

You're right. I just reread it. Thanks. (And thanks Gevura)

Hatzlacha
sg

I just fell.. oh my! My fall was me coming onto this site, that's it... I don't have time to write up a whole thing now but for me recovery means not even coming onto this site/checking my gye/ emails/updating my chart vdal.. but my addiction to this site made me come on now.. Lol

Hatslocho to all

Keep fighting!  You can do it.  This is a long Journey. 

Brief update: my therapist told me no need for me to come anymore to him... That's a honest person btw... So I've stopped going recently. 

25 days clean bh. Shvuah working.. thinking less about recovery and gye works even better..

Good Shabbos to all!

Welcome back. Hope to see you more often.

Hatzlacha.