counter_clock wrote on 06 Feb 2018 16:34:

Hi counter clock, 
Many moons ago I confessed to looking at porn to my wife. We had been married less than 3 months. Big mistake. However I then went to the other extreme of hiding all my nisyonios from her. 
I believe that was also a mistake for us, but obviously I can't assume that would be a mistake for you also.
A while ago I started dropping hints and now she at least knows that at times I struggle with fantasy and touching myself, and she is, or appears to be very understanding, especially as it hasn't gone beyond that in her mind. It's not a common topic of conversation but I sometimes mention it or if she asks I won't lie about it. More along the lines of  - I know I'm going to be by the computer for a few hours, and that's a difficult time. Maybe come and visit me at some point just to say hi. Or - yesterday I was on the computer all afternoon, and it was hard  -  but I behaved / I touched myself a little but then stopped. I'll try to do better next time.
I just find complete avoidance leads to a breakdown of trust and mental intimacy.
HOWEVER - proceed with great caution and take counsel form those worthy of giving it!

Thanks for sharing eslaasos - that must have been crazy when you shared with your wife three months in!  I told my wife about M before we got married, she knew (vaguely) about the porn but thought it would stop after we got married. 

I like your approach - don't hide everything, don't reveal everything.  I'll touch base with some advisers for their thoughts on that approach.  Like, maybe I can let her know about the struggle in general but not the specific details...

LETTER TO HASHEM:

Dear G-d, 
Sometimes I hate You and the situation you've put me in.  I didn't ask for this test; I didn't ask for the pain and stress and loneliness YOU'VE put me through, exacerbating and intensifying the urges and tests to a constant breaking point, over and over again.  
Did I ask for pain and suffering? Did I ask to be tested - only to fail - over and over again?  Did I ask for the anguish this has caused me and my wife??
I cursed You this morning.  It wasn't the first time that I've told You to f-off, to go bother someone else...what do I need this for?

...But eventually I come back.  Because no matter the pain You put me through and the tests that hit me, I know that You love me (and all your Jewish children) more than I can imagine...and when I cry and scream no one feels the pain more than You do...
Thank you for life.  Thank you for being there.  I'm sorry I cursed You...it's just so hard sometimes...and I just want to be close to You 
Love, 
Me

Welcome!  Stress is a big trigger for acting out. What are you working on with your therapist? 

don't worry about god he aint insulted and veahavscha al tasir mimenu lolamim

Wow i love your honesty! And i feel your pain, today i was going through a lot of pain and stress and also sat down to write a letter to hashem i've heard many tools people have shared on the GYE forum! But there is nothing like writing a raw and honest letter to hashem i've found it as a great tool to deal with stress and pain! And make it as honest as possible

 Love Yankel

counter_clock wrote on 06 Feb 2018 18:49:

please rewrite it before you mail it:smiley:

HI CC.
I am new here myself, joined  about 1 month ago. The people here are supportive, and many can empathize with you, having been there and done that themselves. 
You mention struggling with porn. Are your devices filtered? Block off the entrances for "it" to get in.
I saw your letter to Hashem. It reminds me of a true story that I read (don't remember where). A Jewish family was leaving Spain during the expulsion in 1492. They lost all the property and money that they owned. They were on a boat sailing away to an unknown destination. Pirates attacked them. They violated his wife in front of his eyes, and she perished from their treatment. The pirates set him and his 2 young sons adrift in the Mediterranean, and they washed up on an empty island. He left his 2 little boys on the beach, and he went off to search for some food, as they had nothing to eat for some time. By the time he came back, both of his children had starved to death. He had nothing left. He turned his eyes heavenward and said "Hashem, you took away my land, you took away my money, you took away my wife, and now you took away my 2 children. You are testing me severely. But know that I love you Hasem, and nothing you do will take that away!"
Good for you for coming back, even though you feel tremendous pain.  A close connection to Hashem means more kedushah. Kedusha and tuma can not both exist at the same time at the same place. The more Kedusha you have, the more the tumah will fade! When in the throes of a strong nisayon, build up your kedusha. Shout out (metaphorically) your love for Hashem! Proclaim it to the mountains, the trees, your car, and to the walls of your house! The closer your connection to HIM, the less power the yetzer has over you!
Hatzlacha Rabbah to you, and keep fighting!