HakolMilimala wrote on 30 Jan 2018 13:28:

No.

Now what?

What is your recovery plan? (Sorry if I missed it in your previous posts; I didn't look back.)

As an aside, one of my daughters was almost engaged to a long time founder, contributor and participant of gye, but it's not a fair comparison, as he was a real handsome young lad, good learner, had the wit of Anwar Maqsood (and close to the Roman goddess Diana), excellent writer and had yichus to the gazoo!

i agree with Cordnoy, No way!

to Quote my good friend @HashemHelpME  Pornography is highly destructive to marriage. Its not just because of the shame. And that is even where the wife is unaware the husband is viewing it. The best thing you can do now for your future married life is to completely stop viewing these images. Real intimacy and sex have almost nothing at all in common with what you have seen. And when the wife becomes aware that her husband is watching this stuff.... Hashem yerachem..... Besides everything else, the wife feels she cant live up to her husbands unrealistic expectations.... There is so much to say about this.

Plus on the husbands side it brings to low self esteem, depression.........ETC, ETC, ETC,

Which is why me as someone who is holding in shidduchim, have realized that i MUST take all necessary steps to quit and become sober and you must as well! in the beginning of my recovery it was really painful being off my drugs i will cry, be extremely depressed, sad but now 36 days in it got so much easier and most importantly i've realised that it is possible to be clean!  what steps have you taken to get cleaned? do you have a partner? 

Lots of LOVE
Yankel

HakolMilimala wrote on 30 Jan 2018 13:28:

hi hm,your asking a great question,but it really should not let it concern you AT ALL,Hashem knows your progress,and Hashem is keeping your basherte till youre ready,by hook or by crook(even if it means to get some stubborn shver out of the way G-D FORBID!)i myself  had a problem with mb when i was 15ish and stopped a year and a half before my chasuna ,and have healthy family,im a regular husband (i feel ,and i feel that  my  wife feels the same,we have good shalom bayis,especialy when i admit the truth that shes right -who knows whos reading these things:smiley:)and i ask  myself eventhough im such a great guy:blush: would i let someone like me marry my daughter, and i  decided , i would want someone who was more innocent, pure, if i may say.now i ask you hm , would you want someone like you  to marry your daughter?now could be you are going to be a MUCH better husband then others i have no doubt about it! but we look for someone who didnt have shaychis to this,now youre probably thinking  oh no i have this going against me! NOT TRUE! like i said before, its Hashem whos decideing who you are marrying , and Hashem sees the way you are going and if s/o doesnt want you , it only means shes not your intended , thats all,  therefore HAVE NO FEAR !keep on , Davening that mrs.right comes along and she will , cant wait to hear the good news!hatzlacha

I would add that there's a big difference between someone who's just starting on the road to recovery and is still falling every week or 2, and a guy who has been working on this for a while and has demonstrated long term sobriety, like a year or more. 

Lots of Hatzlacha!

Thanks for the responses.
I was expecting a lot of “No”s so no surprises there.

I have been taking steps toward recovery and this question by no means was me asking “Can I keep this behavior and still get married” under facade. I am absolutely committed to doing what it takes to be clean and stay clean. It is certainly high up on my priority list. My plan to do this is strict filters and strict rules with internet access. Continued therapy. And hopefully being in touch with some people over the phone/real-life who are also recovering to hopefully set up myself for success. Unlike others who might join gye after a fall and a commitment to change, I actually joined gye during a period of sobriety. So the 90 day count isn’t exactly accurate. But I am by no means getting haughty about a period of sobriety and I’m not letting down my guard. I’ve learnt my lesson the hard way that that’s not a good idea. I understand that things can change awfully fast in my world, and recent success is not a predictor for tomorrow UNLESS I take the proper steps to prepare myself for the coming day. 

You might wonder, if I expected the answer NO, then what was my question? What was my tzad the answer might be YES?
First off, if I would ask this question to a group of people that have never been down this road themselves, then i wouldn’t expect anything but no. But to someone who’s been down this path, maybe the unknown should scare you more than someone that has already been down this road, already has a healthy level of understanding about it, and has the tools to fight it. If the boy has “no shaychis” to this, for all you know he really does; and if even if he has no shaychis as of yet, who’s to say that when he goes to work, he won’t fall into the clutches of the internet? Isn’t that far more disastrous, to have a guy married with kids first discovering these things, first going through the whole stage of confusion and denial until he FINALLY gets help, at which point he probably has already done some pretty serious damage. Maybe there’s a huge מעלה of maturity that comes with someone who’s been down this road. Yes, once an addict, always an addict, and he might fall here and there, but he’s committed to recovery, and certainly means no harm. He understand the values of true intimacy, and a healthy sexual relationship with his wife. He understands the importance of his שמירת עינים to that end. He understands that sex wasn’t created for his gratification, but rather to reproduce and to build a strong, loving bond between him and his wife. And he won’t be hit by shock if he falls while married. He’ll be prepared and have the weapons at his disposal to get back up.

Some of you sound super idealist saying that you would want someone for your daughter that has had no shaychis and was more innocent.
The premise sounds great, but I’d seriously debate the tzad, that if I feel a guy is serious about his recovery (and has some time under his belt, as Gevura Shebyesod pointed out), his struggle might have given him tremendous maturity. A maturity that perhaps may be invaluable to his future. 

But at the end of the day, parents are super defensive and idealist when it comes to their children, so yes, I’d probably scoot this guy in a jiffy when it came to my daughter. But I’m not so sure that in reality I’d be making the right decision.

ieeyc wrote:"now could be you are going to be a MUCH better husband then others i have no doubt about it! "
H.M., i dont know  if i would have done justice to what you wrote but that is exactly to what i meant  in what wrote in the above  quote[ill add here ,that youll probably make a better husband than me] ,and  i didnt mention that i had a fall after 9 years of marriage ,and i think what helps me get up is the fact that i fell as a bachur and got up,so  i bezras Hashem,could  get up again.again ,your basherta is waiting for you  so keep up the recovery  AND davening and we all will be making a lechaim!

ieeyc, I suspected that that’s what you meant, I just enjoyed elaborating

Thanks so much for the encouragement and yes iyh she’s out there, so I’m going to try and keep up the recovery.
Whether or not I’m going to tell her about all this. And if yeah, at what point? That’s a whole new discussion, which I am also unsure about, but I guess I don’t have to think about that now.

Its very encouraging to hear that you went 9 years without falling once you got married. That’s amazing.
Just wondering; after you fell once you were married, did you feel like you had broken the barrier of being a clean married man, thus feeling like it was more difficult to stay clean than it was the first 9 years? Or were you able to get up and stay up with the same ease as before?

I think a bochur who has had the courage to face this issue and is in serious recovery is a great catch for a shidduch. Especially if he has developed a kesher with mentors here who along with his chosson rebbi and rebbeim in general can guide him through the beginning stages of marriage. However if he has gone the SA way and will need to continuously attend meetings, that may be an issue that needs discussion. As stated by others here, a wife is much better off with an honest struggler who is working on it, than with a struggler who is under massive anxiety from his secret and has no idea how to deal with it.

this question seems to be mainly hypothetical as everyone here is anonymous
and all the married people are married to someones daughter if her father likes it or not 
   i think many married people would tell you (myself included) that had they known their
spouses issues they never would have married them yet today they wouldn't trade them 
if the marriage is healthy or if they can live with the ideals of marriage 
          ein hkb"h mekapeach schar kol beryah and he keesp the secret as long as its necessary and that is our chance to have busha from him and ourselves to work up the courage for recovery

as an aside r' yisroel salanter said that the gemoroh says zocheh ozro lo zoche knegdo is an ongoing thing and not just who you marry but how you are married

HI H.M.
I currently go to therapy using the IFS model (internal family systems). I am a bochur just like you, have seen tremendous success. Much of which you have promulgated about, I can relate to. Please feel free to email me at safelykodesh@Gmail.com

HI H.M.
I currently go to therapy using the IFS model (internal family systems). I am a bochur just like you, have seen tremendous success. Much of which you have promulgated about, I can relate to. Please feel free to email me at safelykodesh@Gmail.com

“Promulgate”
Thats a big word for a yeshiva bachur
Thanks so much for reaching out.
I am not familiar with your reference to the IFS model? What is that?

Welcome to GYE. You're very fortunate to be getting help with these issues at such a young age. One thing that helped is to get out of my own head and focus on doing for others. In general I try to keep things simple and do the next right thing.
I wish you hatzlacha. 

Yes, I think gye is brilliant.
Im very fortunate.
Thank you Hashem.
Hopefully, I can continue to make progress bs”d. And that’s a great suggestion to focus on others.
thank you
hatzlacha to you too