Welcome, Guest
GYE
Forum for Jewish Men
Introduce Yourself

getting there after to many lost years
(0 viewing) 
Welcome to our forum! Introduce yourself here (anonymously, of course) and get a warm welcome from the rest of the community!
Reply Topic
New Topic

TOPIC: getting there after to many lost years 17913 Views

Re: getting there after to many lost years 01 May 2017 18:38 #312023

  • gibbor120
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • NEVER EVER GIVE UP!
  • Posts: 5251
  • Karma: 166
Welcome!  You have certainly come to the right place.  And you are not alone by a longshot! 

You have already identified 2 very common triggers. Stress and lonliness.  Those triggers are often overlooked.  It is seen as a problem with taivah, but really it is a "living problem".  We deal with difficulties in life by self medicating/self soothing.  This alone is a great step forward.

Check out the handbook.  Keep posting. Check out some of the links in my signature.

Re: getting there after to many lost years 01 May 2017 20:47 #312031

  • yiraishamaim
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1030
  • Karma: 101
gibbor120 wrote on 01 May 2017 18:38:

You have already identified 2 very common triggers. Stress and lonliness.  Those triggers are often overlooked.  It is seen as a problem with taivah, but really it is a "living problem".  We deal with difficulties in life by self medicating/self soothing.  This alone is a great step forward.

Right on, and so well put. I myself just didn't get, that stress was such a major trigger. Looking back it should have been  obvious.

Hatzlocho!

Re: getting there after to many lost years 02 May 2017 11:53 #312081

  • getthere
  • Current streak: 978 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 102
  • Karma: 6
Thank you, i will look at the links and the handbook i started reading - some really great help in there.

Re: getting there after to many lost years 02 May 2017 11:54 #312082

  • getthere
  • Current streak: 978 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 102
  • Karma: 6
as my wife knows about it, she obviously looks at me differently, for example if i go shopping she gets upset. What are you experiences with that? does it get better with time?

Re: getting there after to many lost years 02 May 2017 12:09 #312083

  • bb0212
  • Current streak: 2 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 475
  • Karma: 11
Not speaking from personal experience. My guess is that she needs to learn to trust you again. The question is how to make that happen.

Re: getting there after to many lost years 02 May 2017 12:11 #312084

  • GrowStrong
  • Current streak: 2153 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • OMAAT
  • Posts: 888
  • Karma: 89
getthere wrote on 02 May 2017 11:54:
as my wife knows about it, she obviously looks at me differently, for example if i go shopping she gets upset. What are you experiences with that? does it get better with time?

Is she getting upset because you are looking at all the sights?

Re: getting there after to many lost years 02 May 2017 12:25 #312085

  • getthere
  • Current streak: 978 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 102
  • Karma: 6
my shopping plans used to be made with consideration where the most and best looking girls are, that was until about a year ago - since then my recovery took a turn to positive. 
My wife does not usually go shopping with me, but we do go for walks together and she knows that i try my best to control my eyes with sometimes more and sometimes less success and she also realises what Yetzer Hora there is for men to look. But this has not helped so far, she still gets upset. 

Re: getting there after to many lost years 02 May 2017 12:27 #312086

  • cordnoy
  • OFFLINE
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 12063
  • Karma: 653
It's a trust factor.

It'sI a disgust factor.

And more.

As she knows about it, it will probably be healthy for the marriage to have an open conversation about your recovery tactics and what her role in this will be.

A mentor in this is crucial.

B'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: getting there after to many lost years 02 May 2017 12:42 #312088

  • cordnoy
  • OFFLINE
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 12063
  • Karma: 653
bb0212 wrote on 02 May 2017 12:09:
Not speaking from personal experience. My guess is that she needs to learn to trust you again. The question is how to make that happen.

The answer is that we cannot 'make' that happen. We must focus on recovery.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: getting there after to many lost years 02 May 2017 12:50 #312090

  • getthere
  • Current streak: 978 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 102
  • Karma: 6
cordnoy wrote on 02 May 2017 12:27:
A mentor in this is crucial.

B'hatzlachah

I guess it will take some time. I see a therapist and he helps a lot to understand it better. 
I will try to have an open conversation with my wife - would anyway be good.

Re: getting there after to many lost years 02 May 2017 17:18 #312121

  • yiraishamaim
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1030
  • Karma: 101
Be patient and understanding with her. Most of us who even have this compulsion have learned so much since starting on GYE and on a program for recovery. Many of us, myself included continue to be a student of this issue. As well, she was not aware she was signing up for this when she went under the chuppah. The silver lining is that a number of guys on this very forum have attested to the fact that 1) with recovery and 2) time - their marriage became mega better 

Hatzlocho

Re: getting there after to many lost years 02 May 2017 17:45 #312122

  • mayanhamisgaber
  • Current streak: 44 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1198
  • Karma: 71
Still waiting for the mega better part 
However I can say that when it does happen it is very satisfying 

(hope to post soon on my thread about this)
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!

Re: getting there after to many lost years 03 May 2017 00:47 #312166

  • cordnoy
  • OFFLINE
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 12063
  • Karma: 653
Define mega please.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: getting there after to many lost years 03 May 2017 03:10 #312171

  • yiraishamaim
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1030
  • Karma: 101
much in this case

Re: getting there after to many lost years 03 May 2017 06:31 #312184

  • getthere
  • Current streak: 978 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 102
  • Karma: 6
ok, i'll keep working on myself and my marriage and keep you informed of whats going on.
Reply Topic
New Topic
GYE
Forum for Jewish Men
Introduce Yourself
Moderators: yechidah, skeptical, the.guard, kedusha, Dov, cordnoy, menachemgye, smartlakewood
Powered by Kunena
Time to create page: 0.60 seconds

Are you sure?

Yes