Thanks Markz for the wake up call. (or Roar!).

I was planning on writing an update last night, but was too tired.

A lot has happened over the last two weeks since I last posted on my thread. They were hard weeks, however I feel the pain was growing pangs.

B"H, I haven't looked at porn for a couple of weeks already. Not having the ability to just randomly browse the internet constantly is a great deterrent, so that when the urges do strike, it is not readily accessible. 

I have acted out about a week ago with masturbation in middle of the night. That time period is the hardest for me, since I am in bed, and I have just woken up. My brain is usually not fully functional. It is almost like a wet dream, except for the fact that I am conscious about it.
I can B"H better distract myself when I'm not quasi-sleeping. I am going to try to set up a safeguard to help me retrain some of my bad habits.

I have had tons of stress last week and have not dealt with it in a healthy fashion, plus I was feeling very bad and guilty about something. I'm not sure if my wife skipping our once weekly time together was also a factor. I would like to think that it doesn't affect me anymore.

B"H, I usually rebound pretty quickly. Yesterday was an extremely stressful day. I didn't stop to breath or eat until after 11pm. In the past, I would have relieved the stress with my drug of porn and masturbation. Instead, I took a brisk 10 minute walk to clear out my system. Going to work on letting myself reach the boiling point and keep the stress levels down to a manageable level.

I also have a lot of positive to report over the last few weeks. I spoke to Dov for the first time, and to HHM. They are both such Tzadikim. May Hashem Yisborach pay them both back B'Zeh V'Bbo with only tons of blessings.

Hatzlocha Rabba!

To a certain degree what happens when you are half asleep is in the realm of subconscious and is very similar to a wet dream (not excusing it, but putting it into perspective). Maybe put on your night table an item of sentimental value that either makes you feel good about yourself or closer to Hashem that you can grab onto instead of grabbing "there". It could be a sefer, a family picture, a written list of ten things Hashem has done for you recently (update it once a week), a written list of ten nice things you have done, a picture of a tzaddik, or something else that will turn your focus away. I have found in such semi-awake situations that with literally a two minute distraction, the urge recedes as if it was never there.

By the way it may very well be that by your removing accessibility to pornography, your subconscious (nefesh ha'behamis) feels under attack. How is it going to get its fix? So these night time erections, wet dreams, and half awake episodes are its way of fighting back during the withdrawal period (usually first 2 to 4 weeks). Iyh this fades and recedes too. Hatzlocha chaver.

I fell. Two nights in a row. I am so depressed and not interested to stop. Masturbation does make me feel good. I know intellectually that is a lie. However In actual day to day life, I don't see it that way. I know I need to de-stress in a healthy manner, but can't bring myself to do anything. Zero motivation.
Sorry for the rant, everyone.

Ranting is better than not saying anything at all.

Are you depressed because you are masturbating or for a different reason (like a rebbi who has to go into exile without talmidim to teach ...) I apologize, I haven't really read your thread yet. I will try to catch up on it so I understand better.

If you are depressed for other reasons that would make it very difficult to stop masturbating.

I read some of your early posts. It sounds like you have some depression and anxiety going on. A therapist could help with those, especially the depression. Depression kills all motivation.

It sounds like you are a software guy. Are you?

mzl wrote on 29 Jun 2018 14:16:

More like a hardware guy!
Depressed because I keep falling. I'm already back to myself, mood wise. Still not so motivated to make serious life changes.
I somewhat feel my life is manageable with every few weeks acting out.

I once read an article here on GYE about someone who took a long time to recognize he was an addict because his addiction only manifested approximately every 6 months.

I am in a similar situation, dealing with long-term, low-level depression, and addictive behavior manifesting periodically but not constantly. The nisoyon for me might be to come to that same conclusion but so far I have not.

It's Monday, Time to get back to work.
I need to make serious live changes. Namely, to take care of myself. I need to hold myself accountable to not overwork. I need to start excerising, which for me is the hardest thing to change in the world. I get stressed just thinking about it. I need to eat and sleep normally. I need to be accepting and forgiving.

I feel I can improve if I make these live changes, however I am not motivated enough to facilitate the change.

I am thinking of going running daily as well. I plan on starting small and increasing gradually. I'm not 22 anymore.

Good Morning everyone,

I haven't posted here in a while. The last few weeks were not good. I acted out a few times. 

I don't know what is going to get me to stop. I accepted myself until Rosh Hashonah to BL"N donate $20 everytime I try to bypass my restrictions on any device. I know this is not going to help me. It hasn't helped me in the past. By the time I'm looking to bypass filtering, I'm usually full of RID or stress, etc... However, perhaps it can work as a small hishtadlus on my end. I need Hashem to help me. לולי הקב"ה עוזרו לא איכל לו.

I will also try to post more often. Last year when I was more actively sharing, I was doing better.

Praying that everyone should find their personal nechoma and may we be zoche to a collective nechoma speedily.

Gut Shabbos!
p.s. I welcome all suggestions, comments, criticizism, chizuk, or anything you want to send me.

lionking wrote on 27 Jul 2018 12:39:

It took me a while to figure out who you were. You are the depressed guy. My heart goes out to you.

If you are clinically depressed for reasons other than your acting out I don't think you can muster up the motivation to get clean.

I don't remember if you have a therapist for your depression or not. If you don't that could be something to try. Then in six months when your depression's gone you can attack your sex addiction.

But it's also possible that you are depressed because you are acting out. You could try in person meetings and see if it helps.

lionking wrote on 27 Jul 2018 12:39:

Godspeed to you.

Let's continue to beI in touch.

And you did ask for feedback, so it seems all's fair game.

May God have mercy on us all !

ROFL

mzl wrote on 27 Jul 2018 16:32:

Not sure about what. But at least I put a smile on your face today! 

It was in response to cordnoy's "G-d help us" statement ...