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MY PATH TO SANITY
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TOPIC: MY PATH TO SANITY 55765 Views

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 11 Oct 2019 08:27 #344160

  • lionking
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I'm BL"N renewing my kabalah not to watch movies or shows even if they are supposedly clean. I have stopped for a while, started today again and it didn't end well.

Also, I need to have some special activity for when I can't sleep, reading, listening to a shiur, etc...
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 17 Oct 2019 20:39 #344236

  • Hashem Help Me
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lionking wrote on 11 Oct 2019 08:27:
Also, I need to have some special activity for when I can't sleep, reading, listening to a shiur, etc...

Recently I went through a few days that were rough - specifically at bedtime. I was afraid to go into bed, knowing that the fantasizing would start immediately and I would not be able to sleep. Next would start the touching....  I took a biography of a tzaddik into bed with me. Reading about so much gemilas chessed and dveikus b'Hashem, coupled with numerous pictures did the trick. I hope you find some workable strategy too.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 06 Oct 2020 20:29 #355827

  • lionking
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I don't like writing these updates, but I need to have it as a record.
I fell last night/this morning.

I became too complacent in my recovery. Going for the last few months with open internet, and feeling pretty safe thinking I have this down pat, and only using the internet for what is necessary. No news, entertainment, etc... 

Was in a downright rodden mood yesterday and slipped on some partial nude pictures on a picture sharing site. Instead of catching myself, I let the lust build up and hours later in the middle of the night, I looked at some porn and masturbated. Woke up this morning so aroused it was literally ready to come out, I ended up spilling seed again with a quick rub of my blanket. 

Felt so terrible afterwards. Embrassed that I couldn't withstand this test. I have withstood stronger ones in the past. Really feel like a piece of trash.
BH I am feeling Charatah and not yiush. They are very close, however one propels you to strengthen yourself and start again stronger, while the other one gets a person to throw in the towel and give up.

I am not giving up. Will try to post a little more updates through my journey going forward.

I will with Hashems help continue.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 06 Oct 2020 22:02 #355828

Hi lionking
Not sure if we've chatted, but wanted to say hi!
Just had a quick glance over some of your thread, you seem like a great guy.

Although your count may go back to 0, this fall does not mean you are back to square one, far from it. You've grown a lot on your path to sanity, and this is a minor setback, a wrong turn, but you have made it so far along the journey, you just need to get headed back in the right direction. Make the most of this setback by working out what you need to change, and then continue where you left off. 

Looking forward to seeing you grow more!
Looking_to_improve

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 07 Oct 2020 02:17 #355842

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Growing pains...kutgw holy brother

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 07 Oct 2020 03:13 #355845

  • lionking
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i-man wrote on 07 Oct 2020 02:17:
Growing pains...kutgw holy brother

It's not growing pains. It was negligence that let to this. Next few weeks will be growing pains...
B"H I'm in a much better place than a few years ago. With Hashem's help I will continue growing.

Thanks
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 07 Oct 2020 03:22 #355846

  • YeshivaGuy
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Hashem Help Me wrote on 06 Oct 2019 02:58:
I hope you realize that only a great man can submit a post like the one you posted. It displays courage, humility, determination, resilience, and great depth. You are a real inspiration for so many of us here. B'ezras Hashem when this battle of our generation is won, you will be on the front lines of victory. Sorry to hear of this fall, but maybe now you can show others how to move on and upwards despite it. Gut voch chaver.

One year ago and it’s still, so true.
Keep going brother, just read through some of ur thread.
Big chizzuk. Your honesty inspires me to be honest with myself during my own tekufa...
Thank you and Hatzlocha!
Last Edit: 07 Oct 2020 03:32 by YeshivaGuy.

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 07 Oct 2020 05:13 #355848

  • wilnevergiveup
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lionking wrote on 07 Oct 2020 03:13:

i-man wrote on 07 Oct 2020 02:17:
Growing pains...kutgw holy brother

It's not growing pains. It was negligence that let to this. 
Thanks

That's growing pains, learning what works and what doesn't, the hard way.

Really feel like a piece of trash.


Yup that's for sure but be careful not to identify as one.

BH I am feeling Charatah and not yiush. They are very close, however one propels you to strengthen yourself and start again stronger, while the other one gets a person to throw in the towel and give up.


You defined them perfectly the only issue I have with this is that I am only able to tell the difference in hindsight, and then it's too late. We are all different but for me dwelling on the trash feeling too long is just too risky. Feeling awful can be a strong motivator but shouldn't be the only one. I am sure you can think of a couple positive reasons for motivation as well.

All the best.
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 07 Oct 2020 08:23 #355852

  • lionking
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 07 Oct 2020 03:22:

Hashem Help Me wrote on 06 Oct 2019 02:58:
...

One year ago and it’s still, so true.
Keep going brother, just read through some of ur thread.
Big chizzuk. Your honesty inspires me to be honest with myself during my own tekufa...
Thank you and Hatzlocha!


Actually I'm anything but honest. The only reason I felt compelled to post was in order to set some sort of closure. I fell back in May as well, when the cronavirus inspiration wore off, but didn't report it then and had about a month of slips and falls, before I was able to snap out of that trance.
I didn't want that happening now again.
You are a major inspiration to me.
[quote="wilnevergiveup" post=355848 date=1602047622 catid=19]
lionking wrote on 07 Oct 2020 03:13:


BH I am feeling Charatah and not yiush. They are very close, however one propels you to strengthen yourself and start again stronger, while the other one gets a person to throw in the towel and give up.


You defined them perfectly the only issue I have with this is that I am only able to tell the difference in hindsight, and then it's too late. We are all different but for me dwelling on the trash feeling too long is just too risky. Feeling awful can be a strong motivator but shouldn't be the only one. I am sure you can think of a couple positive reasons for motivation as well.
All the best.


Thanks. I'm back in a positive mood. It is zman simchuseini after all!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 07 Oct 2020 10:38 #355854

Falling twice a year is pretty solid progress. And hiding from a fall doesn't make you dishonest, it makes you human. Keep the positive mood, with a dash of charatah and good type of shame, and your on the path up.

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 07 Oct 2020 13:03 #355860

  • Dave M
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Hey LionKing.  I dont post as much as I use to.  But I do try to read everyone else post.  I just wanted to tell you that I've really appreciated your posts over the past few years.  They are laced with honesty and wisdom.  It take tremendous courage to write that post as you did.  I happy to hear that you are in a better place.  As other have noted, this is just a small bump in your incredible journey.  Keep on inspiring us. 

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 08 Oct 2020 14:42 #355910

  • Hakolhevel
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Hi lion king, I'm not going to take a cheerleading stance here. For some people it's helpful for others not so much, don't know which type you fall into.

I do want to get into the actual fall itself. What you described is many times what happens to me, it happens so fast, within a couple of hours it's all over. To me just restricting internet wouldnt be the answer, because if I have that desire, I will find a way, so what else are you going to do?

I'm not jut asking of you, I am also asking of myself.

P.s I do btw agree with evryone that youre a great guy
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: MY PATH TO SANITY 08 Oct 2020 19:08 #355922

  • lionking
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Hakolhevel wrote on 08 Oct 2020 14:42:
Hi lion king, I'm not going to take a cheerleading stance here. For some people it's helpful for others not so much, don't know which type you fall into.


Thanks Hakolhevel. I am not the type that goes for cheerleading, but I appreciate the offer.


I do want to get into the actual fall itself. What you described is many times what happens to me, it happens so fast, within a couple of hours it's all over. To me just restricting internet wouldnt be the answer, because if I have that desire, I will find a way, so what else are you going to do?


I'm in the same boat. Restrictions are only helpful as a reminder. In general they are not helpful at all. What has worked for me in the past is trying to build up my bitochon and recalibrate what does Hashem want from me constantly. B"H, I have grown tremendously in this aspect and also learnt how to de-stress myself.

As Markz has repeatedly told me, My life is insane. I work crazy long hours and barely scrape by the end of the month with maxed out credit cards.

I just came from an intense week of 12 - 18 hours work each day, not including travel times. Plus I have ton of work Chol Hamoed this year, which I'm trying to do at home.

I try to accept my challenge with simcha. Unfortunately I allowed negative emotions get to me. I don't have a plan going forward accept to try to continue to do what has worked and pray for more success in the future.

May we all be zoche to a git kvittal and a git yur.
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com
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