iI went today to my therapist I had a very productive session. he knocked into my head that this woman probably doesn't want to have sex with me. whatever.
I'm now gonna start working on the pain of my childhood. gonna do therapy every week. I'll try to keep posting.

iI'm going back to this thread because I'm still a newcomer I thought I was ready for the 12th step. I think that my pride was speaking at the time. I will try to slow down. 
in unrelated news, my therapist told me based on my fetishes that I am a masochist. scary. However I post this here because that may be an underlying reason why I can't get sober. I don't just not care about myself I want to hurt myself. it may help someone out there. 
bottom line therapy may be a good option if you can't get sober. get a good therapist who can see through your lies that saved my life.

mikestruggling wrote on 09 Aug 2018 17:41:

You could have masochistic desires because are too nice a person to hurt others. And it all depends on what you consider hurtful or abusive.

You talk about the 12-step program. If you do the original, genuine program, unmodified, it should work for you. For example before working on a step you could ask your sponsor.

II woke up this morning mucho depressed. I made a phone call. I'm also out of meds the store opens soon. I'm trying to plaster a smile on my face and keep upbeat 

You can do it buddy! We are all rooting for you.

II woke up this morning mucho depressed. I made a phone call. I'm also out of meds the store opens soon. I'm trying to plaster a smile on my face and keep upbeat That might help if you are around a lot of other people,  because they might smile back.



If you are alone then writing down what you are thinking and figuring out whether you are thinking objectively might be more effective.

tthank you for your replies. MZL I'm not 100% sure, but I'm reasonably confident about this; clinical depression is negative  feelings not thoughts. It may be triggered by events which invoke negative thoughts, but it is just emotional not intellectual. 
Anyone feel freefree to correct me if I'm mistaken

mikestruggling wrote on 26 Aug 2018 17:40:

Yes, but your feelings are just a side effect of what you are thinking. You are just not aware of it because they are automatic thoughts. Initially it takes a while to catch those thoughts, but with a little practice it becomes doable. Depression is not an emotional disturbance, it's a distortion in the way you perceive reality around you.

yyou may be right (I'm too depressed to admit it straight up) last night I dreamt about my mother she was being unfair. Today, I woke up with feelings of anger at my mother. At first, I was projecting it at my wife so I cleaned up the living room (taking the actions of love).  I will iyh call my therapist today

mikestruggling wrote on 27 Aug 2018 04:27:

So in that case you would look for distortions in your expectations of your mother. Why do you think she was being "unfair"? You might be right, or you might be a little off in your perception.

I think you are saying that you were taking it out on your wife. That's interesting.

mzl wrote on 27 Aug 2018 09:52:

wwow! now I'm a little irritated at you. did you read the first post on this thread. I don't think any human being deserves to be treated the way I was treated. not even animals. my mother used to beat me for doing things she perceived as chutzpah. and I mean beat not just two slaps.
I suffer fr the fact that deep down,I think it was fair and I deserve it because I am worthless. now through therapy I'm allowing myself to feel the anger. Because I don't deserve it I'm not a shmatte. I'm a human being child of Hashem and I'm a good person.
I didn't say i was taking it out on my wife. I was projecting it at my wife. big difference. which was why I cleaned the room to take the actions of love so that I don't take it out on my wife.
please read what i wrote

mikestruggling wrote on 27 Aug 2018 11:02:

Ok. So you should before I reply to someone I should read everything. But 99% of people's posts don't contain any information other than "I'm still here, still struggling." So now you know where I'm coming from.

At any rate I'll get out of your way because you sound angry and you are not really explaining.

One should have the decency to read a person's entire post before replyin'. If he will be givin' suggestions, advice, criticism, etc., he probably should read the fellow's entire thread.

Godspeed to all

iI get home today for lunch and I clean the dishes sweep the floor and tidy up the living dining room. my wife comes home non thank you no smile nada. I ask her about her day. shrug. 
what's wrong?
nothing it's just hot outside
she usually makes lunch. today she's just sitting there. my mind is on fire. this wife of mine dies nothing anymore I have to do everything etc. 
after ten minutes like this i chap maybe I should do it my wife is pregnant. i pray G-d please help me do the correct thing. i made lunch

You handled it right buddy. So many of us selfish fellows mess up in these matzavim. Its not fair when we dont allow our wives to also have feelings and sometimes not be in a chipper mood.