I'm 25, addicted from 12 yrs old. I'm in the earliest stages of recovery at the time of writing, and I'm a total mess. I guess I'm on level 2, because the first one involved admitting that I need help, and seeking it. I have sustained many traumatic brain injuries; my concussion count is now reaching 25-30(est.).

Most of my recent struggles have been insomnia and headaches, but deep down I know I'm truly whole,; to separate my addiction from my injuries is counterintuitive. I used porn as a painkiller of emotion I was avoiding expressing: love, empathy, forgiveness, kindness. Love in my ability to touch people, and be nurtured in return. Empathy in seeing myself in others. Forgiveness, in crying; weeping for forgiveness towards myself, and receiving joy. Kindness, to sparkle.

All of these things I am afraid of. I am afraid that I will never heal, physically, mentally, emotionally. But I intend to. I just cried a lot and I'm feeling optimistic 

Don't even know what to say-can relate to struggles with headaches but I'll just say this – youve come to a great placewith lots of support of people and wonderful people to learn from

Welcome. You're in the right place.

First of all please take time to read through the GYE handbook.  No two people are the same, everyone has a slightly different set of circumstances, but we all share this problem and since we share the problem we can share the solution too. The book is written in a general way so it can apply to everyone. I found it helpful to really think about what the book was saying and how it applied to me and my own life.

This is a very common problem nowadays, you're far from the only one to deal with it. The word addict gets thrown around quite a lot, but most people who struggle with this issue are not addicts, just normal people with a normal yetzer hora. Which is good. Some people have come to realise that they really are addicts because their situation got gradually worse and worse despite working on it. When I say worse I mean, in frequency, severity or just feeling worse after every slip. If that is the case we may need more than GYE, which most people find to be therapy or SA or both. But I wouldn't jump to that conclusion about you. Many people have overcome this challenge right here on GYE using the tools in the handbook.

So stick around. Keep posting, keep reading and keep on trucking.

Welcome,
I can relate to your struggles of headaches,and using porn as an outlet for what i'm feeling.
I wish you much hatzlacha and we are here for you

Hatzlocha. Keep posting and coming back. See if it works for you.

May Hashem relieve your constant pain :-(

Welcome!

Good luck Griff.
Why have you had so many brain injuries?

Sporting injuries: football from grades 5-8, skiing, snowboarding without helmets for a decade, water sport injuries - waterskiing, wakeboarding, tubing (most dangerous because of the speed and propensity to take harder falls), gymnastics into water (2 confirmed doing flips), once knocked unconscious body slammed onto my head wrestling, once strapped a helmet on and ran full speed, head first into a tree for a camera, once i deliberately smashed my head against a bathroom mirror and shattered it in a moment of true despair from prescription drug that was prescribed to me, misdiagnosed, and was agonizing me. Once I bashed heads against a classmate during recess, running full speed. Once was punched multiple times in the face and head, but I didn't fight back; I just tried to calm him down. I was often beaten on my head by my parents both, when I was a young child. I railed my head against a steel beam on accident once while I was working. I played a lot of soccer, too, and more likely than not was injured a few times during games. It's extremely difficult to gauge just how many concussions I've had, both because of memory recall and because of the amount of time that has passed, and that I was unaware of the nature of my symptoms.

Everything has been accounted for in retrospect, and sometimes during a deep meditation an image will float to the surface and initiate the recall of yet another instance of head trauma. Furthermore, brain injury is cumulative, meaning once I had one, I was more likely to have more and more, from progressively less and less violent trauma. As of now, I have confirmed 13-14 concussions, with 3 loss-of-consciousness. The remainder I counted up as sub-concussions from instances where I fell, hit my head, and got right back up without even thinking about it. That was back before I knew about concussions at all. There is also strong possibility that I am suppressing the emotional pain linked to other brain injuries, the memories of which will reveal themselves as I become more capable of dealing with the emotion behind them. Often, they come to me as flashbacks, accompanied by tears of joy and relief.

Hell of a life ya got wishing you much hatzlacha in recoveries

Sorry to hear about all this.

B'hatzlachah

Watch out, GYE! We've got a fighter!

I think you're heading in the right direction ;-)

Wow Griff! intense!!
definitely a fighter!! 

Have you ever thought of more professional help? 
I had some issues and a therapist was amazing in helping me work some issues out.

yes, i recently started seeing a psychologist who works in the sexual arena, as he put it, and I just broke a seven-day water fast, gleaning unparallelled wisdom and gaining back some much-needed sleep. The therapist is great; I'm actually headed there within the hour, and I journal extensively, sharing with him honestly without fear of shame. It's the perfect way to get the voices in my head to reverberate back to me through, like you said, a well-trained, professional filter. I really enjoy the growth and progress I'm making with his help, and I'm lucky to be so honest with complete strangers; that has been key. Anything less than absolute truth and i'm just hindering my own recovery. So NO SHAME no more! thank you for your support it means the world

Thanks for the share great to hear that you actually found a therapist that you connect with 
It should be with continued Hatzlacha.

p.s. watch what you say about the honesty thing as that topic is grounds for a long posting battle.....  

Awesome! it should be with hatzlacha, and we all gain when we're sharing :-D