Yes, kinda like lust concentrate. 

I have been off the forum for a while. A new year and hisorerus from the Yomim Noraim and I am back now. I have noticed a lot over this past yom tov that I want to put into writing. And some other thoughts I have had since I was last here. 

I started writing this post on another thread, but would prefer to keep all my rambling narishkietin on this aspect of things in one place so if I ever get the urge to look them over I have it all there.

I identified immediately as a lust addict and jumped right into trying to address my problem like that accepting completely the 12 step mehalech. After being in the game a little longer I read on other forums and other sources about different ways of dealing with addiction.

Lately, I have been reconsidering how I classify myself, or whether somehow I have experienced some qualitative substantial change overall (thanks to the many convos here, and my own personal work.)

I have realized that the issue that hurts me (self esteem wise) the most regarding porn and acting out is when I forsake my obligations to provide for my family and act out instead. I know that these may not sound connected to each other to anyone reading this, but for me, the idea that I am sitting and acting out instead of trying to better my situation for myself and my family is a total self esteem killer. It is what I 'feel' the lowest about in my own personal world.

Since I have been here last, I have been maintaining my work schedule. I'm doing my job, growing in my business goals and otherwise holding on to those things for the most part. I have not been porn free although I have really been a lot less connected to it. On the other side, I have participated in adult forums, chatting and the like. This activity is bad- very bad. ANd does sometimes directly or indirectly lead me to acting out. But for some reason,(which I am still trying to figure out) as I wrote above, it does not affect me the same way as porn.

Holding on to my work goals, the problems I have with my actions remain in two areas- 

1) Religiously, I know what I am doing is wrong
2) Morally and ethically- what I am doing is wrong to my wife. regardless of religion. 

- That's the basic roundup as far as my addiction goes.

Over Rosh Hashana I had some thoughts that I was very happy with and which made me realize that I have changed. In years past (as in every year) I stood on RH and YK while I am being judged etc... and one of the things that took up a lot of space in my mind was realizing that I had physical needs that my wife was not satisfying. Why on those days? Because I sincerely feel that, although I am acting out which is wrong etc... my needs and desires for certain  things are not wrong and although I am certainly doing the wrong thing in many aspects, I wanted to validate that. - This year something different went through my mind. I said, you know- ok it's true these needs are not 'wrong' perse, but my wife is not into it- so you know what, I have to try to just make the best of it. I have a kesuba, which means I have an obligation as regards onah to my wife, and even if I am not getting what I feel I need, I have an obligation to make her feel loved cared about and give her the time she needs.

I did not demand of myself to be thrilled with it, but I do demand of myself to not make my wife feel like crap because of my desires. It's a very different starting point of the year for me regarding this topic. 

I also realized over this year that restrictive nedarim are not going to work and I just break them. My goal is to develop better taphsic methods to put seom distance between me and the burning desire to act out. 

Finally, I thought about how many years start out on a high, continue well through about Chanuka when I may slip up or may not.. move on to Purim and I am feeling a lot weaker but make it to Peach in relatively decent condition. After Pesach and through the summer is where things really go off. I thought of a few things to do that would help me at that time of year: 

1) Make a kaballa that would only kick in later in the year, like after pesach.
2) Write myself a letter now and set a reminder to read it then. 

That's what I got so far from this year.

Wow, what a post.
This is how I felt when I came to gye.
​Instead of working and earning, I was just wasting my time.

OTR wrote on 05 Oct 2016 14:21:

Hi OTR,

Thanks for this post.

Frankly I think that it is amazing that your kabalos help you until Pesach.

If you would have RH twice a year would that solve your problem?

doingtshuva wrote on 05 Oct 2016 15:37:

It's one of the worst things for me. If I was a rich successfull guy with a problem then at least my wife is not suffering financially becuase of my issue. (and my kids) but since I am not rich at this point, but rather strugling to make ends meet, i feel doubly guilty. Once for my action and also for making my family suffer. Of course I then get po'd at the bad feelings and then it comes out like hellfire in the family I'm disappointed in myself for not serving better... 

As to having kabbalos that help me until Pesach. It's not the smoothest road. I don't know if I made that clear enouhg. I mean, I am not free of doing things I should not be, but I usually remain more of less functional. 

What is really the main focus for me internally at this point, is that my idea of what to expect or not expect from my wife has come a little more in line with reality. And that is good. ANd that I realized restrictive nedarim are just a losing proposition for me. I need to make a good thought out taphsic plan to help me stall the urge and hopefully obtain some leverage in my struggle. 

Thank you for reading guys.

Forgive me, but why do you need kaballas or taphshic. Why don't take it one day at a time? I'm not just speaking for myself, but it seems that a lot of GYE'rs with success take it one day at a time. 

OTR,
I'm sure that if you'll make hashem happy, he'll make you and your entire family happy too.
Don't give up!

Shlomo24 wrote on 07 Oct 2016 20:43:

i do take it one day at a time. Why is a taphsic method a contradiction to that? 

There is no contradiction

Step One, says the White Book is stopping - how you do that is whatever it takes

One day at a time is how you live without the drug - it is not a method of stopping.

Bli Neder I will write more after YK

Hatzlacha and Gmar Chasima Tova to all

OTR wrote on 11 Oct 2016 01:00:

Taphshic is swearing off forever, to my knowledge.

A taphsic can be made to be in effect for a specified amount of time. In fact it probably is better that way as it doesn't seem so overwhelming. 

See all about it here: 

guardyoureyes.com/tools/taphsic-method">guardyoureyes.com/tools/taphsic-method />


 

OTR wrote on 05 Oct 2016 14:21:

OTR, having read some of your thread, I have no advice to give, just some questions that are confusing me. First of all I'm wondering what 'accepting completely the 12 step mehalech' means. Does that mean you went to meetings, got a sponsor, wrote an inventory, etc?

You mentioned different ways of dealing with addiction. Could you elaborate on these a little please. And did they work? And, at the risk of being shouted at on the forum, how do you know you have an actual addiction?

I ask that because I think it's important to know the nature of the problem, as the solution will obviously need to be different. Not everyone on GYE is an addict. Not everyone on GYE needs therapy, or 12 steps, or taphsic. Different medicines for different ailments.

You say you take it one day at a time, but you want to make a kabolo now that will kick in at Pesach time - 6 months away! Surely that's not taking it one day at a time?

Thank you for coming back to the forum though, it's a tremendous first step.

doingtshuva wrote on 09 Oct 2016 05:32:

This quid pro quo....Is it a Jewish concept?
I don't understand or agree with both sides of your equation.

cordnoy wrote on 19 Oct 2016 12:32:

It isn't? Of course we always ask for מתנת חנם but it's pretty clear from the second parsha of Shema and the way the Rambam explains it in Hilchos Teshuva, from the Tochacha, by the way Rashi explains the proclamation by ווידוי מעשר where we say עשיתי ככל אשר צויתני and I believe Rashi says that we say "Hashem, we did ours, you did yours", and many other sources that at least on a conceptual level we are expected to do ours and then he will do theirs. It's obviously much more complicated than that, but the concept definitely exists in a big way. 

Workingguy wrote on 20 Oct 2016 21:27:

Regarding happiness?
Love?

Additionally, the thrust of my question was really on the quote, "I am sure...." can one be sure that if ploni makes Hashem happy, He will make ploni happy? I don't think so.