That's great to hear. 
If i may inquire. 

To what extent did you work steps during last cycle

what do you mean to what extent? I didn't go to live SA meetings is that what you mean to ask? ANd I have not found someone I am comfortable with as a sponsor, but instead used the group pretty much as a sponsor.

Cumulative Clean Days: 207
OK so we are back in the dark days of niddah again. One thing I have noticed is that my urge to hit on various women online and on certain sites and try to hook up via webcam etc... is much stronger during these times. I know that sounds like a 'well duh!' realization. But for me in this moment it was quite revealing. I think I have gotten someplace and have changed internally to a significant degree. I have to continue working to steps to remain sober, but I have had a real turn around in my life and relationships. - Now I am finding that the days of heter are not too tough. I have some guidelines. I have my ups and downs but for the most part, I don't have the urge to do any of the really interactive things I have done when we are permitted to be together. It's the dry season that is giving me a problem now. - So that was a good insight and gives me some encouragement that in about 2.5 or so weeks, it will get a little easier for a while. Happy. 

You did the steps Along with the call? 
Ie, you wrote a step 4, did a share,  made amends etc. Etc.

 

 I didn't spend hours on the step 4 inventory. I did worksheets for most of the steps including step 4,  saved it and am going to come  back to it now this time around to read all the inventories I did previously and try to go a little deeper, or re-evaluate where I am with that step.

I did the steps as best as I could realizing that I can't do it perfectly but wanting to go through the whole cycle and get some connection to each of the concepts. 

I am trying to focus on one step a week. (Actually, If you do one step a week it comes out to about 90 days to get through the program.) This way I kind of keep myself moving and thinking about new things, new ideas and trying new stuff.

Have you considered the possibility that you are using your wife as a crutch?  Meaning that you are lusting even during muttar times, but since you have an "outlet", it is not apparent.  During the assur times, you are doing the same lusting, but having no outlet makes it difficult.

If that is the case, then work may need to be done during the muttar times, not to lust, and not to "rely" on your wife as an outlet.  Try and adopt the "sex is optional" mindset.

I remember one time specifically after being muttar for a long time when my wife was pregnant, once we became assur it was very difficult.  I realized that I had been lusting, but since my wife was always available, I did realize the extent of it until she was no longer available for a time.

OTR wrote on 16 Jun 2016 14:12:

Nice. 

Where do you find these worksheets

google. drive.google.com/folderview?id=0B_4AuSMwHehTTWpTMU9FZFhmTmM&usp=sharing

215 Cumulative Days Clean:

Ok so last week on Sunday my wife was out for the whole day and I acted out. I did not feel like getting back on the forum until I had a few days of sobriety behind me. What's kind of disturbing is that I am less disturbed by my acting out this time. I am not happy to reset my count that is certain. But on the other hand, I also feel that if I continue and do not make this into an excuse to leave the forum entirely  I will be ok. So I am carrying on now with my cumulative count, which is actually a lot higher than what it says on the board here but that's fine. A life of acting out is unmanageable. but if I acted out every now and then as has occurred over the last few months, it does not make my life unmanageable. Though it is wrong and if my wife knew what I had done she would be extremely hurt (rigthfully so). 

As a yid, even acting out once in a while is totally wrong. As a married person it is totally wrong as it hurts my spouse (how would I feel if my wife was doing what I did!) But as an addict, or a recovering addict, I find that remaining in the "system" and devoting time each day to sober living, sober thinking etc. has minimized the impact of the sporadic acting out. 

I also feel less like I am 'just waiting for the next time I can get on and acto out" - Last week was not like a major relief. It was more like a stupid mistake and caught off guard without properly planning for the moment. I noted on my chart that I have to have more of a schedule planned to handle the alone days. Especially when it comes in yemei niddah. Those are the hardest days on me at this point, actually when my wife is mutar, I found (at least most recently) that the challenges subsided. 

I know a lot of this mught get me stoned or decapitated by GYE terms, but I am writing my thoughts. Personally, as an addict, I would continue to act out if I thought I could maintain a normal external life while doing so. But I really need to graduate into- "I don't act out because it is wrong" as opposed to "I don't act out because it will kill me". Or maybe I need to realize that this middle road I am on is ultimately a dead end.... I don't know... 

Thanks for the update and the share.

I can say only from my own experience that I tried that middle road, and tried several times saying that it won't kill me for I am a "once in a while" type of guy.....how wrong I was!

Wishing you hatzlachah

Yeah. Middle of the road is a dead end. What's happening to me now is that I am not that upset regarding acting out last time. I just sorta got back into the rythm. Not sure if that is good or bad. 

Only you can decide.

I will be writin' somethin' now on my tryin' thread....it might have some relevance to your situation, but maybe not.

B'hatzlachah

CUMULATIVE CLEAN DAYS: 222 Days

Checkin in here. BH hangin in there. Doing a lot of work on my relationship with a family member that I see is completely and directly affected by how I feel about myself with regard to acting out. I have to realize this person is just that, a person, and htey are not a reflection of me, nor are they there for me to project my faults when i do the wrong thing....

***** I had a fall which I have not updated on my chart yet which I will do but have not yet since I have re-evaluated what I think led to this time and what I want to change going forward. 

I have to say, the falls are bad, but not getting to me as much as in the past because I am not falling into a total spinout where I abdicate my responsibilities as an adult, parent, chavrusa etc..
This is a yerida in the sense of sobriety, but in years past, since I would just run away, and isolate, it turned inevitably into more and more of a dangerous cycle.

I attribute this improvement (Ie the ability to not be dragged down into the pit of depression and continuous acting out) directly to the chizuk/tools I have gained in this forum, and to the ability to call people who I have met here regardless of being sober or acting out and just say where I am, and continue moving on to improve. I am not embarrassed of myself, though of course not proud or by any means satisfied with having acted out. 

What I have come to realize though is that while internally I have been convinced that I felt so broken up about the dishonesty and infidelity of acting out, what really kills my self esteem is when I get out of control and don't fulfill my responsibilities in work, around the house, with kids etc... When I do though, the dishonesty bothers me a lot less. What does this say to me? 

It tells me that perhaps I am a lot bigger of an SOB than I really realized. If my wife knew what I did, she would be crushed. And Hashem knows what I did, and he is not happy with it at all. 

Those are three separate emotional/spiritual cycles with different effects. 

1) Is between me and myself- when I act out and I abdicate my responsibilities I feel like crap. 

2)Between me and God- When I act out, I have also transgressed my religious convictions. I can deal with this, a lot easier, because I truly believe that my addicted personality is not my doing and not my fault. Though I am responsible to use the tools I have discovered to try to improve, when I fall I just don't bother beating myself up anymore. I'm too dead to it, and it doesn't help me. 

3) Between me and my wife- Regardless of whether it is 'my fault' or not (as noted in #2 above) It hurts my wife when I look at other woman or converse with them and flirt on the internet. If I masturbate though- to be honest... It doesn't affect her in the least. 

Of all the above, the one that really bothers ME the most is number 1. That is where MY ego is hurt the most. And that clearly is very selfish but a very accurate insight into what's happening - the moving parts of my addictive cycle. 
 

Thanks for the update, and hatzlacha moving forward.

I can relate to what you wrote about learning to open up to and reach out to others regardless of whether I am feeling weak strong, proud, ashamed, clean, trashy.  This has been and still is a difficult point for me, but I am getting better with it. 

You raised some serious questions and insights.  Since you mentioned that you have people to talk to about things now, I wonder whether you have been able to flesh these thoughts out with any of them.  Just seemed to me like sharing your conclusions with someone else might help, whether they can act as a touchstone to show you where you might be blinded to something or just to hear yourself say out loud what you have come to realize.

Again, thanks for the update, and hatzlacha!