https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/121958--You-are-not-____________-#121958

111 Cumulative Clean Days/Day 20 Streak: 
Been a while since I got on the road at OTR thread. I'm sober BH, was feeling a little worn and down for a few days. BUt I think that is the sobriety setting in and my feelings that I am trying to cover up with acting out just surfacing. So- here I am... Ups and downs are part of the territory... Low and behold this morning I woke up feeling a lot more up beat. Just writing down the lows and reading them back later helps me see more objectively that it's a passing feeling and not something worth letting my life slip into insanity for. 

A few of my current he'aros-
-The daily calls are oxygen for me.
-I am personally working step2 now, and plan to work one step a week until I go through all of them and then return back to the beginning. 
-Step one 2 and three are really a stop gap to just begin drying out, the real work of living the solution, addressing the underlying issues, begins in 4. 
- I took a cue from Real Simcha, who posts each day a post in red with the day he is up to in his 90 day journey. For myself though, I specifically placed the cumulative count in my red headline. And I specifically placed it FIRST. The cumulative count is the more important one to focus on. A streak is important and I always want to keep that streak going as long as possible. But- the real goal is an overall life of sobriety. Even IF I did break my sobriety, it does not take away the clean days I have accumulated. Those days are building a clean life for me. Each one. One day at a time. Even one day of sobriety counts. I am not looking to find an excuse to be able to 'act out a little'. Actually, I hope I can maintain sobriety for the rest of my life. What I am trying to get out of my mind is the idea that my sobriety is only worth the length of my current streak. it's not- looking back at the forum over the years and my various states of mind when I wrote- I was overall healthier and happier for those times regardless of how long I had been sober for. So the evidence is there. - Just a few of my morning musings.... I think next time I post I may just not include the streak count at all... hmmm...

Hey OTR!

Thanks for the shoutout. I understand what you are saying about not focusing that much on the streak. I thought about it a bit and I realized that I am really counting days since I started taking responsibility and posting every day. I hope to stay sober. period. But in the event that I dont I would consider continuing that Day __ count and considering it a journal count. In any event, for now its helpful to me and its been part of my tools to stay clean. Thanks for the ha'aros!

112 Cumulative Clean Days/Day 21 Streak: 

B'h I feel better than a few days ago. I am heading into a more challenging time with regard to marriage, so I am a bit nervous. Seeing Step 2 as separate, as just the fact and possibility that a 'solution' exists is helping. 

For years I have always wanted to discipline myself to think words of Torah befire I go to sleep. Never really got around to that. But last night, as I was going to bed, I occupied my mind with Step 2, just keeping the thought in mind. I hope to make this a nightly ritual, to think about the step I am working on and let my mind rest on that. 

I notice my eyes being more prone toward a second look at images that are arousing. Not porn BH, I have not been drawn into that for a while (and I feel good), but the regular images that are out there... In a regular setting, the thought process I have is that, 'This is not porn, it's ok to look at'. Yup same old same old..... THe fact is I can not use lust in this way, or indulge in what other normal men may be able to enjoy without it effecting them. For me, this will devolve (sometimes quite immediately) into a porn binge that ends in masturbation and low feelings. Been there... done that... But I just had to get it out there as that is where I am holding now.

 

113 Cumulative Clean Days/Day 22 Streak:
Erev shabbos, not the easiest of days. Working on Step 2 was pretty jarring this week. I almost started crying during shachris this morning (mishenichnas adar marbin bsimcha right?) But I think it is pretty safe to say I am pissed off that I am an addict and upset that God has never helped me overcome this addiction.

Now- to be fair, He has. I had a very nice long streak of sobriety in the past when I was working the steps. I stopped working the steps... So I guess... He is also allowed to stop too. Unless I can convince myself that it's God's job to make me not an addict and I don't have to do anything at all... which is kinda ludicrous. 

Now I am working on the steps again, and realizing a lot of things. Time is short, it's erev shabbos. Nobody all me a kofer because I recognized I am angry at God please... Because the truth is I need to be angry at myself not him. As I noted above, when I worked the steps He did His. I guess this is kind of ridiculously simple, but this is where my stream of consciosness is taking me right now for the post. I did the inventory sheet fo step 2, have it saved n my google drive as well as other inventory sheets etc... and next week will begin step 3. I wrote out some stuff in my Step2 that pertain to next week's step3 because they are interrelated and it was already on my mind. 

Agav, I went to meet with someone last night in regards to a totally unrelated matter. It was a woman and I felt pretty triggered. I literally felt the insane thoughts and normal thoughts tumbling one over another in my mind. - It was very uncomfortable for me. 

Hey, how can you be a kofer for being angry at god. nobody believes in god more than someone who is mad at him. just keep talking to him. screaming if you need to. but no silent treatment!!

Thanks RS. That's a good point...

OTR wrote on 11 Mar 2016 18:23:

My take on this topic is like this: God is like electricity. I need to be plugged into him in order for him to work his magic. The current is always running, I just need to be connected to it. Therefore, I view it not as god not helping me, rather that I wasn't actively joining with him so he can connect to me. The whole basis of the 12 steps is to have a spiritual experience. What is spirituality? The power of god flowing through something. 

113 Cumulative Clean Days/Day 22 Streak:
I realized this morning by davening, that I am having a easier time the last few days. But it occurred to me that I am most likely going to have a major lust attack at some point and that I should be ready for it with people to call and ready to reach out. I know that isn't a brilliant chiddush to start off the week, but it's what I got....

115 Cumulative Clean Days/Day 24 Streak:

I think I missed a day of my posting here. BH still clean.... and working on Step 3. 

Step 3- Turning my life and will over to God.. MAn that scares the he** out of me. Turning my whooooooooooole life over to God.. that's a lot to ask. 

Today I am turning over today. Tomorrow I will work on torning over tomorrow... 

That's the only way I can look at this... One day at a time.

like it says in the action book; we are not turnin' our life over....we are makin' that decision to do that.
that is not so scary.

Can you make that decision?

b'hatzlachah

117 Cumulative Clean Days/Day 26 Streak:
OK so here we is on day 117. Thanks cords, cna you elaborate on what that means to you? The difference between turning our life and making a decision to turning our life? I am interested in hearing how you look at it. I am afraid to fall, more than that though, I am afraid to get myself psyched up and comitted only to fall again. I have been so frustrated by that in the past and my self esteem is really battered in that respect. 

So Right now I am just thinking about just turning over one day at a time and trying to value each act of sobriety for being what it is, a good healthy act of sobriety. Completely unrelated to what happens tomorrow, what happened yesterday... just now. ...

Yesterday, i remember thinking to myself, I am just happy with the changes I am feeling. Life is not better in many other respects, but my connection with my wife and way of dealing with my kids is definitely something better than it was about 3 weeks ago. 

The above is the way you explained on the phone.

That, like I explained, is not what I meant.

By the way, regarding fear, get those step four sheets.

B'hatzlachah

Yes I have sheets for the step4 inventory. I actually found some really good ones for all the steps that i have been using. 

 

Quick random sobriety thought/reflection (what's the difference between those two I have no idea) 

I read  a post tonight from a guy who acted out. ( i am starting to hate using the word 'fall') Normally, my inner addict tells me, I'm missing out on some awesome pleasure and fun- and it's worth it. Well... the guy posted pretty clearly, 'It was not worth it.' - Now I know everytime I begin thinking it will be worth it to act out, that I am lying to myself, and within seconds of acting out, I will regret it. - BUt somehow the dam beast keeps dragging me in like some nightmare Tom and Jerry episode where I am Tom and keep getting bested. Seeing this happen to someone else made me realize more strongly how farcical this whole acting out is. How transparent and fake. I could have told you the guy was gonna write it wasn't worth it. And it wasn't... how much better was it than any other time he acted out. Actually I recognize NO quality differences in acting out, or my association of pleasure happiness or relief. Everytime it's the same lie again and again.... 'THIS time it's gonna be all that and MORE'... and it's the same- a few minutes of fleeting pleasure followed by feeling depressed and then setting about picking myself back up, rationalizing why I shouldn't hate myself and slogging on... What a miserable cycle. 

Please God- for today help me stay sane.