Welcome Colin,

As a beginer myself I share your struggle.

I loved the way you outlined the steps of lust. One of my big drivers to join GYE was the realization that lust is not linear. Lust has an upward (maybe downward!) slope! In other words one is never happy with the same dose of lust. Rather every time he stasifies himself with lust he looks for more and stronger doses. I too started with simple masteration. Then as the yrs progress I seek more. I never reached the stage of prostitution, one nite stands or friends with benefits. But I know if I continue, I am not far away from reaching it. (I didn't even know what these things were 5 yrs ago despite my masterbation problem.)

One more pointer, this is a very hard battle/ commitment. Chances are that even if you zocheh one day to be clean for say 18 yrs, you will fall intially. But please don't let your fall dissuade you. Even if you end up CV doing the worse thing, pick yourslef up and start again. Do not walk away brother!!!!!

waydown wrote:


Read the white book in the addiction chapter, in the section titled tolerance.

Thank you Chiam.
It sounds as if you understand where I am coming from.
The inner loneliness is so hurtful.
I am quite a social person, so it is even harder to deal with because of that.
I cannot afford a counsellor but when I can I will go back to one.
Good luck with your efforts too.

Thank you Waydown.
You understand too, how lust is a beast.
But for me it is not just lust, it is the lust as part of a deeper more powerful drive, that of loneliness.
I thank you for your words of encouragement.

And thanks Cordnoy too.

One more point,

If I would be single like you I'd probably be just as bad if not worse. Yes you have the loneliness to contend to. Addditonally, I am too scared to totally screw up my marriage, wife and kids. So that hold me back from stuff. Kind of a selfish and weak moral reason on my part. But its the truth.

Not necessarily.

Often, being married while being a fake is even more lonely. Much more lonely.

I have made it to 45 days...and counting.

Not sure if it is a special test but the last three days have been extra difficult to keep focussed.

Not helped by being very tired from doing extra hours at work.

I am luck to have the job, but I know I need to relax a bit more, because when I get tired i am more likely to fall.

Hungry
Angry (Resentful)
Loney
Tired -

-that really is the truth.

keep it up!

Thanks Shlomo

Somehow am still hanging in there.

My mind knows what I really want, my Yetzer Hara is doing it's best to fool my mind.

Been feeling really tired lately, but so tired that it is a benefit, just want to sleep, not got much energy for anything else.

Dov wrote:


Gibbor, I move to have this added to the Dov Quotes thread...

I'll meet you half way. You add it. I'll update the index.

Hi.
I have made it to 100 days.
Couple of times came close to fallign but with Hashem's help held out.

I used the HALT method.

Hungry
Angry (Resentful)
Loney 
Tired

These four feelings were my triggers, so I knew if I felt any or all of them I was in danger of falling and accepted my feelings, but avoided the fall.

Tonight i am very low and in danger of falling...I had a friend mess up an opportunity for me in the week, they interrupted a conversation I was having and shouted at someone which messed up some potential business for me.

And this weekend some long standing friends turned out not to be such good friends and upset me.

They say everything happens for the best but I feel betrayed.

I have looked out for them in the past but they seem not to care much about me.

I will do what I can to get an early night and try to nurture my other friendships.

On the positive side, my period of abstinence seemed to encourage a few good things to happen in my life otherwise, other than the events of this week.
Maybe they are blessings in disguise?





 

Sounds like the anger and resentment feeling.
You have accepted that in the past.

Continued hatzlachah.

You seem to be like me and others in this. We discover all sorts of blessings in (and out of) disguise when we start getting the distractions and obsessions out of our path, day by day.
Great to hear abt your 100 days, colincolin!

Thanks Dov.

Am up to about 125 days.

The HALT method has been my main help in this.

Plus somehow have clung on to memories of the awful feeling I get after falling, which has stopped me falling again even after temptation.

Definitely so called "Co-incidences" have been happening in my life.
Events that seemed at first to be bad new turned out to have a positive purpose.
I had also had trouble finding employees in my professional life but that has improved too.
This type of thing has started since I began my clean streak.

I always used to feel I had bad Mazal, but that the clean streak has improved my Mazal.

I was in a very low place before this.
If I can do it, anyone can.

It in not easy, the temptations happen every day, but avoiding falling is achievable.

 

Hi 'colincolin' and mazel tov on your serenity...for that is the thing i believe u r getting a taste of, now. It's a simple thing and nothing else is like it. 

Just for the benefit of others here, I want to ask you if you believe that you are an addict, or not. If you are comfy answering that fine, and if not, equaly fine.

thanks