cordnoy wrote:

Please explain, I'm new here, give me helpful instructions

Gettingcloser wrote:


No....simply analyze your life and see what you can do better.

Gettingcloser wrote:


There are several years of jokes here....If you don't understand what I say, Google it.....or better yet, don't. You'll be ok....don't you worry....we will take good care of you.

We should all scream at ourselves,
Oy luni ki chutoni

Talking to myself....

1. They're not ugly beheymos, they're the most beautiful thing in the world. For more than 30 years they were my only happiness.

At this stage, I don't think it's helpful to think of what we love and crave and obsess over as disgusting. All it does is make us feel even sicker for wanting needing it.

2. The hz"l when your wife is not available has nothing to do with your wife not being available. It has to do with thinking lustful thoughts and looking lustfully at women (lusting).

3. I always recommend starting with working on shmiras eynayim and shmiras hamachshava in all settings. This will go a long way toward cooling the fires.

Which brings me to the nidda thing. Our wives aren't a release valve for our built up lust.
Relations with the wife is supposed to be about bonding and building closeness. It's about us, not me. Otherwise it's veiter masturbation, just in a muttar fashion.

We need to view sex as optional.
And until we truly feel that it is, we're not where we need to be with regards to our lust habit.

4. Welcome!! Keep posting.

AlexEliezer wrote:


Well said!
To the point (like usual), and explained as well.

this post should be posted on several of the other threads around here.

My question in these discussions are, How you deal with lust when she is clean???

You put the issue as only in the Niddah days you have an issue. But how do you deal with your taavos when she is clean?

AlexEliezer wrote:

Thanks for your good advice,
But let me explain you my situation, I don't think that my view on sex is hotzues zara b'derech heter I have b"h a very good connection with my wife & a full filling sex life but for the past year she is having her period every 3 weeks & she gets so upset & moodless the first few days of her period that she is not becoming pregnant, she gets angry on whoever stands her way, she's completely not herself, for me I would really have to give her support like I did in the beginning, but since it happens again & again I lost my patience to get critic on everything I decided to just sit & wait the crisis should pass, so I don't know if my nisyoines of masturbation is because of the tense atmosphere or it's just a lust & anyway what's the solution, I started the 90 days challenge yesterday, any other suggestions is appreciated,
What you wrote they are not ugly bahaimes... I want to clarify my point that helped me a lot, I see sex as a desire of the soul for a strong connection & unity, even the most beautiful girl if I know that she wants to kill me I think I wouldn't have any desire to look at her, porn is is lust but no connection & more than that they have no problem ruining your life as long that they make their money, so for me it makes me feel controlled & worthless that they are using my shvachkeit So when keep that in mind it turns off a little that burning tava
P.s. Sorry for my poor Englis & grammar hope anyone can understand

I'm not dealing with lust when my wife is clean,

Thanks for clarifying
So glad you're not sick in the head like me.
I have a problem with lust so I assume everyone else who comes here does also.
Maybe my post will help someone else, though.
All the best.

lomed wrote:

While she is clean the lust is under control b"h

AlexEliezer wrote:


R' Alex Eliezer, first of all Thank You for your gevaldige post as cords said always to the point, without mentioning anyone.
for you to know that 99.9% of people having problems with mastrubation or porn, do have lust issues with their wives, they might not realize that what and/or how they are doing is lusting the muttar way, but lusting still.
When I started here I learned these concepts and am working hard to actually instill them, I'm not saying I've conquered them, however it makes a huge difference once you learn how to engage without lust or at least minimize it.

Welcome to the forum! I noticed a few things reading this thread.

- You mentioned that your wife gets her period every few weeks and gets very tense. Yes, you may be using masturbation as an escape from the tense atmosphere. It is very common. My biggest trigger is my wife being upset at me. Only you can say for sure if that is the pattern you have.

Some people are lusting all the time. When they are muttar to their wives, they have an outlet, but they are still lusting. When they become assur, they need an outlet for their lust. (based on what you have said so far, this does not sound like it is the case)

- As far as pornography goes, the actors don't care about being machshil you. They were often abused. They are being taken advantage of. They are just trying to make a living. They often have to take drugs just to make it through the degrading scenes.

Someone posted some good stuff about what really goes on in the porn industry. (can someone link to it?) You should feel pity for them, not anger.

One motivation for not looking at porn is that you are helping an industry take advantage of people and degrade them.

Hatzlacha Rabbah. You are facing this problem earlier than most. The earlier, the better. Yashar Koach!

belmont4175 wrote:

I see I just don't understand that concept, what means lusting with the wife & what means having sex without lust?
& how can I know if i'm on the right track

Maybe this will help. I can't define lust exactly but i can maybe give some examples of lust. Porn is lustful, it fulfills a desire that is unnatural. the desire for sex is natural and sex itself is the unity between man and woman, sex is not lust, in fact it is the opposite. lust is a very selfish desire, it is like sex "on steroids". it is sex used not for what sex is supposed to be for. so if one has "lust issues" with his wife that might mean that he's not having sex for the purpose of connection and unity. he could be "using" his wife for lustful purposes, he wants to accomplish (for the lack of a better term) something and his wife happens to be the object that he is accomplishing that through.

my psychologist is not an addict, we were talking about sex. he said that after sex with one person for 20+ years it can get boring, but he said that is only if sex isn't being used properly. he told me sex is about connection and connection is exciting, even after 20+ years. (needless to say i was sitting there with my jaw open really confused:ohmy: , "sex is about connection!" "HUH!")

agav he said many people don't realize this due to the way the media presents women/men and sex in general.