Hello again.

Its been a long time since Ive been on the site. A number of years ago I spent a lot of time here, but things changed.

At the time I was under a different profile to which I have since lost my login information, but I interacted with a large number of members here and I feel that I truly grew at the time. I was free of porn and masturbation for a few years streak after much prayer, teshuva, assistance from friends and members of this group, as well as employing many techniques I learned. But things changed. I am now married and I'd say that shmirat aynayim/shmirat habrit is much more difficult at this point.

I am ashamed and pained to say that I have fallen a large number of times, looking at material online and in the street etc. Marriage is not exactly what I expected, I see now that I had a very wrong outlook on things.

Without too much detail, I have been having a very difficult time, and the levels I attained a few years ago now seem impossible. My soul is once again covered in filth and I am distant from God and my wife, the saddest thing possible, and a position I never expected to be in once I was clean for a few years straight.

But here I am, having destroyed the progress I made, I return now in hopes of once again climbing to new heights of closeness with Hashem and starting anew with His and your help.

Welcome back! I'm relatively new around here, and I'm pleased to make your acquaintance . It doesn't seem to me that you've lost your progress. It's your progress that has brought you back here and has given you the willingness to take action. You may feel like you've distanced yourself from God, but He's right here with you. He hasn't distanced himself from you at all. He brought you right here to GYE and is holding your hand each step of the way.

Welcome back,

Sorry to hear about this relapsin'.

As I am an avid reader of the archives, and I like to understand someone's history to the best of my ability before offerin' concrete suggestions, perhaps you can say what your old handle was; if you do not wanna do so publicly, could you email it to me then please (thenewme613@hotmail.com)?

If you don't wanna do either, that is also fine.

Wishin' you much hatzlachah in this

Serenity and Cordnoy, thanks for your support.

I feel like I've lost most of my connection with Hashem, sadly. When I was here previously I felt invincible, on top of the world and I've fallen so many times since those days that the contrast destroys me. I used to feel Hashem every moment of my life, with true feelings of intense connection which is now barely a spark. I'm crying from the pain of what feels like the loss of my growth and my connection with the One true source, something I never thought would happen again.

But I must begin again, thank you for assisting me on my continued journey.

Cordnoy, I will connect via email, thank you.

I hope you will permit to make a suggestion, you mentioned that you were here a few years ago and got clean and learned and implemented a lot of tools etc in your life. The one thing that many have found is needed to retain their recovery is to give away what they got by helping others. My instincts tell me that you will be once again successful here in your endeavors. Once you obtain some decent sobriety, stick around and help others here. Partner up with people, sponsor people, welcome them to the site, see in what other ways you can help. Maybe you can volunteer to run a call here at some point.

Chapter 7 (Alcoholics Anonymous)

WORKING WITH OTHERS

PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when other fail. Remember they are very ill.

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends-this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.

Cordnoy, yes, I have had this experience in the past and my involvement with others kept me going with my own struggle. In my haughtiness I thought I was past my previous involvement with this darkness, the one thing I see now is that no one is ever safe, no matter how long we've been free. Thank you for your insight.

Ok sir, I have now read every one of your previous posts, includin' the time you came back for a day in the middle.
I can now say pretty clearly that you have one of two paths before you....for recovery.
1. Either go back to your old ways of recovery, and I won't mention the specifics here, but there was a common thread thru the seforim you used, the authors you mentioned, the fight against the y"h, and so on.....you obviously need to reconnect in full that way.
2. you begin a program of recovery, and that is one with a mentor, sponsor, phone conferences, meetin's, stepwork, etc.

I can almost safely say that you are not one that will jump along the forum chizuk approach and all your problems will be solved, and that is your fantasies and your marriage issues. No, it needs to be direct and rigorous.

Those who know me on the site (and there are many) will attest that i am not usually this direct with someone in his initial post, but I don't consider you a freshie, and I read all your posts spannin' all the years you have been here, and i sensed a certain somethin' when you first posted.

Feel free to ignore everythin' I said; after all, what da heck does another lust-addict know? Or keep postin' and let us know about your progress, and I have a sneaky suspicion that with you, there will be progress.

b'hatzlachah

Hi SHSH,
welcome back thanks for the direct, honest and pain-laden post.
It's scary for me -that I can regress as well.
I heard this exact point in a Sefas Emes shiur on parshas R'ai today. We can never be confident that we are secure and that the battle is over.
You yourself mentioned haughtiness and a sense of invincibility. It sounds like a recipe for disaster - and might have been a factor in a descent fall of mine. Either way it's a scary reminder that we can never put our feet - and noses up.
Thanks for the share again.
Shlomo

Cordnoy, thanks so much for reading. I agree with you, and for me I need to maintain a constant mindset of falling not being an option, with safeguard in place to back it up. I will say that my previous approach may not be exactly the road I can take once again. At the time I had a few factors pushing me - Extreme desire for closeness with God, and certain ridiculous misconceptions I had for what guarding my eyes/brit would do for me. I had expectations from Hashem, demands even. I expected certain results and had a disastrously skewed viewpoint. But it kept me on track. I now still have a strong desire to be close with the source of all in the universe, but less time in my day to focus on it and while my misconceptions have been somewhat balanced in terms of my extremely unrealistic viewpoints, it was a setup for failure since it was contingent on what I wanted to get out of it. At least this time around I have the opportunity for it to be more l'shma, without attempting to twist God's arm.

Shlomo, thank you. Yes, it is very scary to think that regression is possible. But in a way, if regression was impossible that might be scarier, because it would indicate that Hashem no longer cares to challenge us and give us goals for establishing an even stronger relationship. So while this is all terribly difficult and painful, hopefully I can keep up the mindset that this was all to give me new challenges and higher levels of purity.

shmirasshmiras wrote:


What does it mean, "fallin' is not an option"?

Doin' for God and doin' for wife and doin' for others all have one thin' in common.....they must be for the act of givin', not takin'....only then can it be successful.

So what will be your first step (after postin' here) this time?

b'hatzlachah

WELCOME BACK! I wish you much hatzlacha! Stick around this time .

What I mean is that I need to maintain the mindset that I have to do everything in my power to not fall, and that it shouldnt even be an option in my mind. If God fobid I do, then I need to deal with it after the fact, but going in, it helps me to keep in mind that this is not how I act as one who wants to be close with Hashem, therefore, in my mind I try to keep the thought process that any negative act is not available to me as an action.

That's something I struggle with - how does one "do" things for God? We have responsibilities to him, but they are for our benefit, not His. Hard to reconcile.

I've joined the 90 day chart and pledged money if I fall. I've also pledged if I do not fall, as a recognition, thanks, and as reinforcement.