One of the amazing people on GYE, lamplighter, posted this on my thread, "Starting up", in response to my concerns that are similar to yours. I thought you would gain from it.

"Sometimes we fool ourselves and we tell ourselves how we are such good people and how people look up to us and they even think we are so yirai shomayim,but inside us there are no secrets that we have two personalities the one on the chirzoniyus and the one inside us who cant retain himself watching porn and masturbate.

Obviously all of that is not true because we really are one and unique person and that is the good one , i heard once of a story of someone who was asked by a certain rabbi why he wouldnt put on tefilin every, to which he answered : i dont want to be a hypocrite by putting on tfilin in the morning and then doing things during the day that dont really match to tefilin! That rabbi told him that while it is true that he is being an hypocrite it is not when he is doing the bad but rather when he does torah and mitzvos thats when he is really being true.

My point is that you are really that guy that people think you are and your rebbe will understand it and eventually understand your struggle and how to deal with it.

And the fact is that in our time lerzaareinu so many people have been fallen into pornography and when I say people I mean also from the best bochurim ,kids etc
So there is really nothing to be ashamed of, especially if you are trying to work on it.

The iker is you want to work on it, period."

Yea I totally relate to your hesitation about going to a Rebbe but a true Rebbe would never be judgmental and would only want to help you become better

Welcome! You have an impressive spiritual resume, for sure. And an obvious humility about yourself, which is only more impressive. You won't find better teachers for this issue than the guys here. Don't hesitate to lean on us for anything, and remember, much of this about relinquishing your inclination to control this addiction.

hey welcome to you!

i just want to share a vort i read in the handbook that really touched me.

"The Lechevitcher Rebbe (a student of R' Shlomo of Karlin) once went as far as to
say that even if a person just killed someone and the knife is still dripping with
blood, and he feels unable to stand up and daven Mincha (the afternoon service)
with all his strength and heart, then he has not yet tasted from the waters of
Chassidus!"

dont worrry about the past the iker is what is in front of you , thinking about it will only make it worse.

read articles here and thereyou will see how helpful it is!

i personnally grew a lot by reading stuff in here!

never give up!!!!!!!

Welcome KT3!
Your intro post is beautiful.

This stuff is different than a stam yetzer horah.
For many of us it's an addiction.
The approach is different.
Fighting doesn't work for most of us. At least not head-on fighting.
What works is avoidance and surrender.

Avoidance means we refuse to take that first look, or entertain that first thought.
How to not entertain a thought? That's where surrender comes in.
These thoughts are precious to us. They are our precious drug -- lust.
But we can surrender the thoughts and the accompanying lust to Hashem.
How? By saying it:
RBS"O, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only You can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to Your care and ask You
to please heal me from this illness of lust. Take my lust.
I don't want to lust.
I only want You and a relationship with You, Your Torah, and an appropriate, loving, giving relationship with my aishes chayil.
Please take my lust.

Thought came back? Say it again and again. Mean it.

It's also very helpful (critical really) not to look at women.

Much hatzlocha!
Alex

[RBS"O = Ribbono Shel Olam]

abd297 wrote:

According to GYE minhag I hereby quote myself:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/129022-Shalom-Aleichem#129596
gibbor120 wrote:

Here's another self-quote from long ago: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/132169-Re-Home-of-Gibbor120#132169

Thank you again, gibbor. You are spot on about my perfectionism issues. I have been struggling with them for a while and they are really holding me back. Thanks for the chizuk.

Welcome Koltorah3!!!

What a beautiful first post and continuing thread.

I don't have much to add to what my dear friends already posted.

Just wanted to wish you Hatzlacha Rabba!!!

Remember to Keep On Posting!!!!

abd297 wrote:
Have you checked out Dr. Sorotzkin? I have a link in my signature.