i am 25 years old and married with a kid. I love my wife and would never want to hurt her. Since I was a teenager I struggled with pornography and always had fantasies of meeting a prostitute. From ages 21-23 I went like 5 times to a prostitue, never had sex just other stuff. It was a struggle with who I though I really was. I was one of the best learners in my shiur, really tried to be a good eved Hashem and I even wanted to be a Rebbe. I thought I could beat this struggle to really meet my potential. My relationship with my father has been rocky. He was not exactly easy on me and fought with my mother a lot and this stressed me out. We still continue to have a rocky relationship.
After I got married things were good and I entered a Semicha program but my past straggles and desires came back to me. I have been on and off looking at porn the past 2 years and then today I was so stressed out from a issue with my father that today I went to a place, didn't have sex or anything but did stuff.
I feel very down and depressed. I want these struggles to be over already. I need a person to talk too and help me.

I don't want to give up my dream of becoming a Rebbe and being a role model but if this continues I know I can't. I want a helping hand , I need someone to tell me all is not lost and I can turn it around. Please help me. thank you

koltorah3 wrote:


You clearly are an impressive person.
You understand that you are very capable.
you have pure spiritual aspirations
You are frustrated with the acting out you have done but understand that the lack of harmony between your parents, together with the "rocky" relationship with your father at the very least aggravated your struggle.
you are brave and intelligent to come here and put forth your hand for assistance and support.
That means you are humble as well.
koltorah3 - I have good news for you. While you have a this inner turmoil that is tearing you apart you also have the fundamental attitudes to really succeed.
Here we really get you 'cause we have all experienced different versions of the same basic struggle.

As you continue to participate in this forum you will gain the tools you need to get the siyatah dishmaya for sobriety.

Hatzlacha Rabah!

WELCOME! You have certainly come to the right place. Many of us have broken boundaries we never thought we would. We feel out of control, and no matter what we try, can't seem to help ourselves.

Your relationship with your parents very likely plays a major role in all this. Many of us have found that stress, lonlines, and other emotions are the real triggers. Acting out is just our solution to our "living" problem.

Stick around. I learned a lot here. You can too. Many people have been in your position, or worse, and are sober today.

GYE just posted this GREAT Ted Talk. It is well worth listening to. guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/JohannHari_2015G-480p.mp3

You may also want to check out some of the links in my signature. Dr Sorotzkin is Great! So are the Dov quotes. Don't forget to start with the handbook.

Keep on posting! There is hope. NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

oh, one more thing. Many of us were/are on of the best in our shiur/yeshiva etc. It's VERY common.

thank you guys for your chizzuk!

I don't see the links in your signature

Gibbor, why is it common? I happen to have been in the same category as well.

polar bear, who can say why?

I remember my rebbe telling me in kollel that if you are learning well the Y"H can't tell you not to 'cause you will anyway.
So he tries get you emotionally. He attempts to make you jealous, insecure, angry you name it.
Whatever your natural leanings he finds it and goes for the jugular.

and of course "kol Hagadol maychaveiro yitzro gadol heymenu"

When I was in 5th grade my old holocaust survivor rebbe told the class" Right before Mashiach to be a good Jew will be like climbing a steep cliff.
Only once I started having difficulties with lust did his words become so hauntingly real.

Welcome,

Look at the links in Serenity's signature; they are perfect for newcomers.

Take a look around the site; read some of the forums.

You're amongst friends.

b'hatzlachah

I had the following theory;

All people fail with the aveira of Lashon Hara, some fail with Arayos and anger.

It would seem that if one is the best in Yeshiva, he's not running around talking Lashon Hara or exploding at people, 'cause then he won't be considered the best in his Yeshiva.

So he has to take the third route, since it shows much less.

Not that he takes it on purpose, but that way it would make more sense that one who is more attracted to arayos actually has the potential of having a good reputation in Yeshiva.

I'm not sure why. It could be the personality of an acheiver? Perfectionism? People pleasing?

There was a thread a while ago (can someone find it) something to the effect of "we are all the best bachur". I don't really know why. I just know that the phenomenon has been commented on here, and it seems somewhat common.

Gibbor, I searched it and found that you mentioned the thread about a year ago, but that was it.

So, Kol Torah, I guess we're all a bunch of Gedolim here, huh? So if these are your struggles, you must have the potential to become a big Rabbi.

HASHEM tries strong people harder in order to give them extra zechus when they overcome their taavah.

Lots of Hatzlacha.

Here are a couple...

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/226986-Please-help-me-Chaverim%21

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/206958-need-chizuk-to-start-90-days

Was is not Abayay one of the greatest Amoraim of all time who was bothered so - because he followed a young man who was traveling with a young woman in the forest. The young man did not try to do anything with the young woman. Abayay was bothered by the thought that he himself(the gadol hador that he was) would not have held out.
There seems to be an association.

Now gentlemen that we sufficiently flattered ourselves

"LET"S GET SOBER!!!!"

I can totally relate to you on being a high up in yeshiva. I feel that I am living a totally opposite life that people think I am living. It's almost like having 2 selves. I kind of turn one on depending on the situation. I am really trying to break the barriers and really get down to business. I am scared of opening up to my rebbi because of the strong persona that I have built up. I don't want to jeopardize that relationship and ruin my reputation or even my life as I know it. Thanks to the forums and the great members of GYE, I am hoping to open up to my rebbi at the start of this coming year. I spoke out my concerns and was reassured. That's for me but you have to assess the situation for yourself and choose the right direction for you.

You can find great resources on GYE. Look around and find what works for you. You can reach out anytime and there will always be someone to grab your hand.
Don't give up hope. We are here if you need us. I really feel for you, keep us posted.