I haven't fought them or tried to control them in 5 months. It's way easier for me this way.

thanks for the chizzuk, not.

I fought them for years to no avail. I finally surrendered them and they mostly leave me alone if I leave them alone.

Ataglance,

I just noticed your post here From Aug 13. Your post hits home in so many ways. I actually have a chasidiac cousin whose ex-husband (And to a certian extent her) were as you described. Not formally OTD but chasdic yet running after other marrieds and zunas. Thats one of the driving forces that pushed me to join GYE. I saw how fake they were and said I am next.

As to Serenity's line here is what he meant.

If you browse thru this website you will see there is a sexhlics anonyoumus approach, That approach is fighting, struggling & controling lust is too difficult. We are addicted and can't win. Rather we stregnethen our resolve in believing there is a higher power. We surrender to him. We say we can't fight. We need g-d to fight since we are powerless. Personally I am still struggling to fully understand this approach. I think you need a combination of the two. Yes we are powerless but we must also be willing to fight. Primarly we must be willing to give up our old behavior. Throw out old contacts gets filters and even more change behavior patterns that cause lust to seep up. It may be what the pros call surrender. But i think it takes stregnth resolve will power and ability to fight in order to "fully surrender". Once we give up and alter our lifetsyles then we turn to a higher power and say we are powerless to win. We do have power to alter ourselfs so that we don't dabble with the enemy all day. but ultimatley lust is the devil that we can't beat. So we say we try to take steps to avoid it now the rest is hashem. Others may disagree with my wording but I think people are partly fooling themselves when they say oh I don't fight lust. Once they do their part they no longer fight lust. But you did try controling it at one point. You did have to change your lifestyle. Thats a fight too. Intially its a tough fight. Once you get passed that then perhaps you won't look at it as a fight.
As a side note re change life style, I mean based on your posts, it sounds like your method of letting out stress or letting loose is lust. Find another method thats fun and enjoyable to relax too. In my case I couldn't sleep without lust. So I started listening to clean podcasts as relaxation rather than lusting.Maybe in your case its a game of basketball or signing up at the gym. Whatever there has to be somethng kosher but not too jewish (too jewish will bore you out) that you enjoy.

Good luck and I don't envy your struggle

Serenity

Your surrender was a fight too. Now after the surrender its not a fight. To make it simple say one is having an online or worse in-person extramarrtal affair. He must first break off all contacts. He must divorce himself from that lady website or facebook page that he found her. Its a fight to surrender. After he suurenders then he can say Ok its not a fight. For us beginers I think you oversimplify it.

I don't believe that was my experience, Waydown. I walked into an SA meeting feeling totally defeated. There was no fight left in me. The conclusions I came to were forced upon me in the crucible of my experiences; to paraphrase from SA. I don't think there is any reason to complicate recovery. Those who really want it, will get it. Those who don't want it, will make excuses. For many, like me, I had no other choice. If you are still fighting lust, that by definition means you are not ready to accept a life devoid of it. That isn't a judgment by any means. It's where I was for over 30 years; not that I am anywhere near perfect or claim to have all the answers.

B"H I had a very positive experience last night. I was in a situation where it would have been perfect for me to go to a tavern and engage in my negative behaviors. I was really really having a hrad time fighting the urge. So I went on GYE, and put out a message to ask for strength for this specific urgent situation. Instead, I ended up reading my earlier posts and said to myself...do I want to go through this again???? I could not believe what I had written the "day after". So B"H, I got in my car, and went home. Went to Mincha Maariv came home and went to bed shortly after. No waking up full of tumah and guilt. A samll victory, but a good one.

I did notice something very intersting, though. I did not go home and have a drink, or even crave one. What I was craving was teh experience of going out to a bar, and all the schmutz that it entails. This tells me that this is not a substance issue, but an emotional issue completely. And I will be very honest, I missed not going out, I craved it terribly and felt like I was missing out on something by not going out to a bar. I was missing out, but taht is for the good. So, B"H since Rosh Chodesh Elul I have not gone out to a tavern, period. I hope with Hashem's help, that I can stay out for all of Elul, and for the Aseress Yamei Teshuvah, and G-d willing through Simchas Torah. I thanked Hashem profusely last night for giving me the tools to fight my Yetzer Hora. I can daven as much as I like to aks Hashem to REMOVE my Yester Hora but that will neve happen. What I need to daven for is hte strength and tools to FIGHT my Yetzer Hora. So, to sum up, GYE was a tremendous help last night, if only that I read my past posts and did not want to go there again. Is there some sort of "hotline" though that we can call when we feel we are going ot go over the edge...I could have used some support last night, but in reality, I got plenty of support by reading the posts from some very caring and truly concerend people so Yasher Koach to you all.

Wow!
Just read through your entire thread. Very engaging.

What struck me is not the binges that everyone is focused on.
These are the tip of the iceberg -- the unmistakable mountain of rock-ice that can sink your cruise ship.

But the real iceberg is underwater. You know it's there but you can't see it. Actually you can see yours. You said so. You said that you are obsessed with women and lustful thoughts. I relate. Did it for over 30 years. Have been to clubs as an OTD young adult. Was too afraid of catching an STD to do anything live. So I crawled deeper and deeper into fantasy and porn.

My mind wasn't my own. Intrusive, ever-sicker erotic thoughts all the time. Compelled to direct my eyes to the tantalizing parts of every female that crossed my path (or that I crossed the street to get a better look at.)
Yeah, I fought the urge to masturbate, but my incessant lusting made it inevitable.

The way to fight this war isn't at the bar door.
It's with your eyelids and your mind's eye.
Working on being lust-free every waking minute is the real battleground.
I write about the ABC's of this a lot. Too much maybe.
You've probably seen it. No checking out women. Surrendering lustful thoughts and images to Hashem.
And fully engaging in real life, real loving relationships. Not fantasizing with the wife, making it about her, not me. Connecting to my children. Given them time, patience, consistency. Learning. Davening. Talking to Hashem. Exercising.

Let's all stop escaping life and start living it.

So true so true.

Was bored last night and checked out your post.

You turned a fruitless night into a night of mussar.
You taught me however low a soul is there is NEVER room for yiush.

My brother your amazing, keep climbing and stay strong.
When the going gets tough (it inevitably will) the tough get going.
None said life was easy, as the steipler said our sole reason to be born on this earth is to overcome our negative traits.
My brother, my friend you are fulfilling the steiplers words.
Boy will you feel a million dollars when you come out on top.
Although it seems like you are not totally clean yet, but you will get there just have faith.

Your story will be called From the depth of despair to the height of jubilation.

Good luck in your journey my friend.

Here2Improve,

Thanks for your comment I loved it. Although you didn't intend to tell that to me I got chizuk from your message.

As a sdie note I know some people feel that the going never gets rough. Its all about surrendering then its never a struggle. Its all just paradise if you surrender. But like you so elquently put it, you need both.

waydown wrote:


You had a claim that other people are oversimplifyin'.
I think you are misrepresentin'.

Cordnoy, I did not mean you. You think your realize that its a struggle. Thanks for all the chizuk. I'l just repeat my unexperinced silly understanding of powerless and surrender. Yes we can't win lust we are powerless. However, we must make an effort to stop it. We won't win that alone. But the key is we make an effort and leave the rest to a higher power. And especially as jews, I think the key is once we try hashem helps us do the rest. But we must try. And its hard to make that effort and its a struggle. I suppose that altitude shouldn't be we are fighting rather we are doing our best and leaving the rest for hashem. So yes its probably incorrect to call it a fight. After all hashem created lust and he can take it away. So who are you fighting exactly. But it may be fair to call it a struggle.

Had a fun date with my wife last night.
We haven't done this in a long time.
We went to an empty bar not far from home (Tues night after a holiday weekend).
We each had a beer and just sat and talked.
Then we took a walk along the trendy block and looked at the various shops and such.
We wandered into an unlit area and kissed.
Then we went home.
A real, very good time was had by all.

What if...

AlexEliezer wrote:


very impressive!