HI,
Im a 27 yr old addict who has been struggling since about 10. At that age I was shown "shmutz" on the internet by an young teenager who I knew and was friendly with. I was so young I didnt have a strong taavah for it then. But as I grew up a bit I started looking more and more and also being mz'l. Even then I was aware how wrong it was and would cry every time this happened but I was becoming an addict without realizing it... When I was in bais medrash I finally told my Rosh Yeshiva what was going on and he sent me to a fellow who he said could help me. Unfortunately, while he meant very well, that guy had no idea what he was dealing with and was unhelpful. Actually he was worse then that because my depression at not being able to break free got much worse when even outside help could do nothing for me.
I sank into terrible depression at times and never thought I would be free. Even though I had very good times (elul and regular times when I would control myself) the curve of my life was heading downward fast. Outside I was a yeshiva guy with a very good head who could have been very matzliach if he learnt well but inside I was plain dying. My personality changed a lot and I went from easygoing upbeat guy to tense irritable and very easily upset person.
Baruch Hashem I found a sign advertising GYE this Pesach and for the first time I am clean 65 days! I actually feel the daily struggle getting easier. However instead of flying high and being very matzliach in learning (I am in kolel) I feel I am also now dealing with mild depression! Going through this whole struggle my whole teenage and adult life made me very emotionally weak and sensitive but now I am afraid of how easily I sink into a bad mood which doesn't allow me to function well.
I also need help with something related. My wife (who is unaware of my addiction though I told her now I am working on areas of kedusha in my life) is overworked from her day and my children. This causes her to complain of her tiredness all the time and doesnt allow her to be happy and positive. While she feels this is very normal, it leaves a very negative atmosphere in our house. Which in turn causes me to get very down and unhappy. She will very often come home from work just grumpy(though she like her job) and complaining and that sends me into a tail spin. I was hoping someone who maybe dealt with a therapist can give some ideas how to work on myself to better control my moods, not fall into depressions, and remain happy.
Thanks to all in GYE for saving my life and giving me hpoe.

Hi Jake08,

Thank you for posting and reaching out. Your story is not uncommon and I really feel for you. I'm sure being here on GYE will help. There are lots of resources here to help you, and things will get better, not to worry.

Welcome,

Seems like you're on the right path.

b'hatzlachah

I am similar in that I am a totally different person inside than I am outside. It makes me feel guilty and a liar. I also struggle with depression and anxiety similar to yours in addition to other things. It gives me hope and comfort that I finally found a place that I don't have to hide. It makes the journey much easier. I hope that you can feel the same way.

Welcome aboard! I don't have any advice handy at the moment other than to say that it sounds like you are moving in a positive direction, and based on what I have learned, while the feelings f positivity don't always mirror the work invested, over time you will Bez"H start to feel it.

Many people here have expressed that as they improved in this area, their marriages improved. I've seen brought down (on the idea of Eizer Kinegdo) that Hakadosh Baruch Hu provides us with a spouse who somehow responds to who we are, even if there are components they don't know. On a basic level many find that leaving the Shmutz makes them feel closer to their wives, and their wives respond positively to that.

It is hard to say from your post what the dynamic is, but maybe consider (if you aren't already) spending a few minutes shortly after your wife comes home where you give her your full attention as she shares her day, and you make sure to empathize with the challenges, thank you for the work she does to help support the family financially and marvel at how she balances work with raising children. It really is a monumental task! (And if you can afford to pay for some cleaning help, or a babysitter and night out occasionally, that can help as well...)

Apparently I did have some thoughts to share

Hatzlacha!

Welcome!
jake08 wrote:

Some have spoke of a "void" that is created when we begin to give up our lust. Have you considered the possibilty that you are experiencing the emotional loss of your good friend lust who has remained faithfully by your side through joy and tragedy?

WELCOME! You have come to the right place. I would recommend reading the handbook. Reach out to the chevra here. It can be a big help. Check out the "depressed persons chill spot". Surely something there will make you smile. Just knowing that you are among friends that understand what you are going through and will listen to you without being judgemental can be a big help.

You may consider joining a phone conference, or perhaps seeing a therapist.

See what works, share. Sharing really helps.

Hatzlacha Rabbah!

Welcome to GYE!!

Based on my experience, there are surely times when I was clean and I missed porn. As Bigmoish pointed out, we usually use lust to cover up some sort of pain, when we stop taking our "pain-killer" we end up feeling a lot of pain, tension, fear, guilt, etc. that we hadn't let ourselves feel before.

Getting to know fellow GYEers and sharing with them has been the most vital tool that I've had yet, so

Keep On Posting!!! KOMT!!!!!!

Keep up the good work.

I went through this, and still am. Mrs. Polar Bear knows nothing of my addiction and made it much harder for me by picking on me exactly when it started getting harder. I got used to it. If you give something enough time, you can get used to anything.

Thanks to all the responses.
It really does work connecting on the forum. Wow. Who woulda guessed... Just wanna say to a couple of points that I wasnt clear about my issue. I was not trying to complain about my wife (who is wonderful in so many ways) but was complaining about myself. My wife does suffer from mild to moderate anxiety and gets overwhelmed from being overwhelmed and tired. We do have some help (cleaning lady, nieces...) but she still gets into blah moods. But thats really not the problem as I would be very able to live happily with that if my own emotions were healthy. I really think the solution is to work on my own frailty and with that be a better spouse. But I so easily respond to the smallest negative stimuli and so profoundly that it affects my shalom bayis("why cant I say how hard my day is without you getting upset") and my ability to function(I now cant face going to learn!).
There is something else I would appreciate advice on. When I got married I was deeply addicted (though for a few weeks acted well). When it came to onah and intimacy, while I tried to make it a very emotionally gratifying experience for my wife, I was way to far gone not to be very self-indulgent about it. Besides for actual times of tashmish, I would hug, kiss, and touch my wife all the time in ways that were inappropriate and childish. Unfortunately, this had the effect of turning the whole topic into one of baseness and frivolousness. Now even my wife who is very refined has a hard time seeing and experience this in a deep manner(though we had some talks about it). Recently as I started my clean streak having discovered GYE I also am very careful not to touch or look at my wife in a selfish, indulgent way. It does get hard for me especially at night But it is important in my recovery. My problem is I cant seem to correct the damage already done. Now that I dont demand it( in more subtle ways then that sounds) my wife will just go to sleep every night of the week or just pop up last second and say ok lets stay up(in a nicer way then that). Any ideas to correct my marriage?
And to Mr Polar bear I really feel for you strongly since I went through a lot of that. I would get down and my wife wouldnt understand and get upset. Though I guess at this time you cant share your addiction with her ( I cant with mine) those long walks and telling my wife openly that I need her positive encouragement really helped. ( Sounds like "open communication" cliches but if you warn her that what you are gonna tell her may sound hurtful but that it isnt meant that way sure helps!) Also instead of saying I have an addiction with all that that means, instead I told my wife that shmiras einayim and all kedusha related issues are a bit of a stronger nisayon with me and that Im working on it. Wishing you all the hatzlocha in the world.

You are definitely on the right path to recovery and a better marriage. when you open up and let your guard down to a close friend or loved one you show that you are open to them in any way. I found such talks the most fulfilling. Using this along with your self control you should be able to get back on board in your marriage. Women often need their space and are more comfortable in control. If you're both on the same page it can open up all kinds of routes that you may want to go down.
As always we are all here for you so keep posting.
All the best!

Mr. Jake

undoin' damage takes a long time, and sometimes - even longer than that.

Keep doin' the right things, and try to communicate as best as you/she can.

b'hatzlachah

Keep giving to your wife. BE"H, things will turn around.

dear Mr Polar Bear: same here. got used to being picked on by the Mrs.
My SA brothers would say that it may get better if I were sober, but i've never been sober long enough to see if its true. Meanwhile,Mrs. AD is also in the "darK" about the whole parsha.

Welcome Jake!!!

Wow Those few posts are full of self recovering and really beating down the right path!!!

I don't have much to add to the posts above just want to wish you loads of hatzlachah and Keep Up The Good Work!!!!