Could be try but I'll be a counselor and will be very busy. I also don't want to open this part of my life at all to anyone in camp. They are looking for people with good reputations especially in this regard. There was recently an incident and they are very strict on who they get. I wouldn't want to jeopardize that trust at all.

I just need a plan how to get things rolling when I need to be it right now or when yeshiva starts.

I think you are correct to act on the side of caution. In camp they are so makpid because of past stories that they are not interested in making chilukim on who has an issue but is really harmless and who is a real potential threat.

Best to keep things under your hat till you return and then connect with a suitable mentor.

Hatzlacha

The greatest people are found in camp, but even לשיטתי (bad word deleted), choose wisely.

Bhatzlachah

Have fun

What will happen to my 90 day chart and the rest of my GYE activities when I am away? I won't really have access to a computer aside from my 2 off days.

cordnoy wrote:


cordnoy is certainly right about the best people can be found in camp. As well, so many people be it staff or campers have grown in substantial ways socially,emotionally and spiritually in camp.
I just also know that there is a real fear of controversy. In our greater Jewish orthodox community we have experienced some major controversies in the last few years. True your sincere efforts to improve have zero to do with those things.
In fact you are an ehrliche person trying to better yourself. I think in a position of authority - which a counselor is - if one of your superiors find out you have this compulsion for lust(whatever you want to call it) he may just overreact and suspect that maybe you have other issues you are hiding.
If you were a Rebbe in yeshivah you would not want your principal to know even though you may well pose absolutely no threat to any child.

Someone might say "better safe than sorry" and make a poor decision on you.

{Hey it's a hard call- use your better judgement.}

I had no intention of bringing it up or anything in camp. I was just scared that I would lose ground on my path to recovery and then jump right into a busy year in yeshiva and have to find time to get back on track.

make a homemade chart and check it off daily.
take your learning time seriously and learn mussar as well.
be extra careful with your thoughts. Any triggers that appear in camp do your very best to sidestep them. If you have a sponsor you could call that person just to check in weekly or if a challenge comes up and you need assistance.

Best of Luck

Imagine a successful summer! It's within your reach. What a different elul zman you would have huh!

A winner before you even begin it.

abd297 wrote:


your chart is in your head; it will not go anywhere except where you want it to go.

have fun!

b'hatzlachah

If you have a good relationship with your rebbi, why not go for it?

What about the physical chart on the site?

Gibbor, I am just not sure. I really have a strong persona built up with him. It is very much to the contrary of this whole area. I am scared of what will happen after, it's not possible to look at me, shake my hand, let me in his house, at least not the same way as before. I'm in a very small yeshiva and I can't just blend in or lay low for a little. This give me a good opportunity to have a close relationship but means that I must see ad talk to him every day, multiple times a day.

I happen to want to talk to him. He has a good feel for people and has expressed that in our discussions.

Do people in his position see opening up as a sign of pure strength and yearning to do the right thing? Or being new to the whole area and in a small yeshiva make him look a it at best something that he can't deal with but at worst a kid who looks good on the outside but has a really dark, creepy, inappropriate, and immature inside?

Your feelings are quite common and normal. But unless, your rebbi has been living under a rock, you are not the first person to discuss this with him. You say he "has a good feel for people". That is a good sign. Any good rebbi worth his salt will look at your opening up as a sign of strength, and he will give you chizzuk, and maybe some good advice too. But, the main thing is that he will listen to you.

My wife caught me, and I had to face my rav. The first thing he did when we met, was to give me a hug. He knew I was embarrassed, but he encouraged me (and my wife).

Many people here have opened up. For many it was a turning point, or at least a relief. You may be uncomfortable for a bit, but you will benefit in the long run. Don't think too much, just do it. Over-thinking kills many of our great ideas.

abd297 wrote:


Who cares?

And if you do, why? It will be there when you return.

just sharing a thought it might apply to you or not i am basically thinking out loud...

sometimes we fool ourselves and we tell ourselves how we are such good people and how people look up to us and they even think we are so yirai shomayim,but inside us there are no secrets that we have two personalities the one on the chirzoniyus and the one inside us who cant retain himself watching porn and masturbate.

obviously all of that is not true because we really are one and unique person and that is the good one , i heard once of a story of someone who was asked by a certain rabbi why he wouldnt put on tefilin every, to which he answered : i dont want to be a hypocrite by putting on tfilin in the morning and then doing things during the day that dont really match to tefilin!
that rabbi told him that while it is true that he is being an hypocrite it is not when he is doing the bad but rather when he does torah and mitzvos thats when he is really being true.

my point is that you are really that guy that people think you are and your rebbe will understand it and eventually understand your struggle and how to deal with it.

and the fact is that in our time lerzaareinu so many people have been fallen into pornography and when i say people i mean also from the best bochurim ,kids etc
so there is really nothing to be ashame of, especially if you are trying to work on it.

the iker is you want to work on it, period.

yup thats it i think again its just a thought take it or leave it!

I'm up to post #100. It has been the start of a great and meaningful journey. I couldn't have come this far without GYE and those who participate in the forums and chats. It is only a start to a lifelong battle to gain sobriety and purity but it is a milestone none the less.

I am going to camp tomorrow. I will probably lose contact with GYE a month or so. The next step is the following year in yeshiva. I'll take it from there. For now I'll just focus on camp and try to be the best counselor I can be. I will also be more isolated from most external aspect of lust. I will have to watch myself though.

I hope to be able to come into next year with a running start into my battle with lust and recovery. I hope to be ready to take the next steps to achieving my goals.