waydown wrote:


she might.

Yes I know that she might realize it one day. Thats why leaving religion aside its important to stop. Of course my fear of hashem and the terrible ensuing onshim of zera levatla should be the biggest thing on my mind. But unfortantely my yiras shomiam is lacking.

i actually only worry about managin' life today.
zeh hu!

Dear Moshe123,
Boy can I relate to your situation! I could've written the exact same post when I started here at GYE.

My main concern was how I can get my wife to trust me again. Of course I knew that I had to stay clean, but what was more important to me was to get my wife's trust back.

I began to turn the corner when (based on advice i received on this forum) I made a decision. I was getting out of show business. I quit putting effort into showing that I was trustworthy. Instead, I focused my effort on BEING trustworthy.

For some people that might be just semantics, but for me it was (still is) a big deal. I used to spend so much energy on whether or not she trusted me, resented her when she didn't fully trust me when I feel I'd "earned" it back already, hiding anything I might've done because I thought it would ruin any trust I had built up already (and that was most important to me), etc.

I started (believe me, this didn't happen overnight, and I'm still growing) to actually accept and take responsibility for my actions and the consequences that come along with it. I'm not just talking about what I said to her, I'm talking about my own mindset first.

In the past, because I was so ashamed of my poor choices, I wanted to give quick lip service to the fact that I was wrong, I was sorry, I  felt horrible and will never do it again. Then I wanted to move on and forget about it. "Be positive!" I would get so upset at her if she would ever bring up that she felt anxious or nervous or felt any difficulty trusting. I would either resent her or shut down emotionally, if she had any hesitation with desiring intimacy with me.

No, I don't allow myself to wallow in guilt over the past. However I do allow her to share her feelings- her pain, her anxiety, her feelings or hurt and betrayal, her feeling used and violated (gulp- those kind of words always used to send me over the edge). I try to the best of my ability to connect with those feelings, and feel for a minute what it might feel like for her. To recognize that I will never be able to fully comprehend what she goes through.

All of the systems that you put into place will help, but you need to be in a place where you trust yourself before you can even think of her beginning to trust. She wants desperately to trust her husband. She doesn't want to ask you if you've been "behaving".

Tell her (& yourself!) over and over and over again that you don't expect her trust at this point. She doesn't have to trust your words, because your actions will do the talking.

Love her. Accept her. Appreciate her. Be in awe and wonder at how she has, and continues to give to you with love. Take responsibility for your actions and their results.

Be real with her. Quit hiding. This was more difficult for me than "staying clean". Remember how your wife was more upset with the hiding and lying? My wife said the same thing. Many times. I didn't believe her! Then gibbor120 told me that many wives around here say the same thing. OK, so it might be true. (Maybe they've been reading our forum and conspiring to make up this "more hurt with the lying and hiding stuff" )

Read some Dov quotes. Express your gratitude for hashem's goodness constantly. Read some more Dov quotes- especially the married section.

You know how they say that a watched pot never boils? It's a similar idea. Her trust will come back sooner if you aren't focused on it.

You have a fantastic life ahead of you! Hopefully you can spare your wife some of the עגמת נפש that i put my wife through.

Looking forward to hearing your updates, positive or not so positive- as long as they're real. Hatzlacha!!

neshamaincharge wrote:


wow what agreat post

This thread has me with tears in my eyes. Your wife obviously has been hurt by this, and that is your responsibility, but your desire to make sure to fix things, and desire to make sure not to hurt her going forward is powerful, and Bez"H will help you on your journey.

I'm not an expert but I think it may make sense to come clean completely; to try to explain that this is something you have struggled with, something that is tied more to your own self-esteem and how you see yourself then how you see her, and that you are taking steps to build who you are and to climb the ladder one day at a time.

To promise to never fall again may be setting yourself up for failure but if she sees you care deeply, you are taking steps (like engaging with the chevra here, using filters, avoiding triggers etc.) Bez"H she will slowly rebuild the trust. And one other thing that I think is worth keeping in mind, while you may never regain the dynamic of blind trust that existed before, the trust that is built through being authentic and accountable; putting in the time and effort and working to make real changes, is a different level of trust that you likely ever had before.

Hatzlacha! We are all pulling for you.

Glad I saved my +Karma. Cords always says, use it wisely. Doesn't get better than this. Thanks!

serenity wrote:


Guess where I used mine Mr mezakeh es harabim?

Hi Moshe123 first of all it sounds like you have a great spouse my wife would throw me out if she would ever catch me watching porn, trust would be my smallest issues.
And as members said work on yourself trust will come back.

Regarding masturbation being a betrayal of trust. I do not think my wife would feel betrayed if she caught me masturbating. I guess each spouse is different.

Thanks Cords