Hi group,

I'm new here. Today was a rough day. But first my story.

I started masturbating when I was 18 and in first year beis medrash. How I didn't start before that I don't know, as the hormones were driving me bonkers. That slowly but surely lead to watching porn, until it became an almost daily occurence and sometimes multiple times a day. There defitinely streaks where I committed myself to stop, but they never lasted a long time, a week, a month, but then I was back to my old self again. Each yom kippur since has been torcjer and now I am almost 28.

Two years ago I married an amazing and supportive women. I was detemined to stop for good.She even asked at one point if I had ever watched porn and I admitted I had in the past but that I was able to stop. This was when we were engaged and I was banking on never having that yetzer hora agaion. I naively thought marriage would change things.

Well aftera few months of being married I was back to my old self again. At first just masturbation, and then back to porn; Before long it was happening a number of times a week. I was aloways careful to do it while my wife was at work. She works odd hours so finding alone time wasn;t that hard. One shabbos afternoon when my wife was nidda she walked in on me msaturbating. I thought she went to a friends and wassafe but she returned suddenly. Needless to say we were both shocked. However she understood that guys are guys and was very forgiving about the situatio nand I promised to never do it again.

After that scenario I was good again for a while but before long back to myself once again. Every month when she was nida she would ask me if I had been behaving and I would lie and say yes....HUGE MISTAKE. Every month I would lie and kept digging my whole deeper.

Today I was out doing errands, and when I came home my wife confronted me. She had been using my computer and came across some browsing history which I though I had deleted. She claims she's more upset about the fact that I lied to her and broke her trust than actually being upset about the porn. To make matters worse she has body image issues and is now convicned that I'm no longer attracted to her which isn't true. Nothing I can say can convince her otherwise and I can't say I b;ame her. I broke her trust and I don't know how I'll ever be able to regain that. Thankfully she is a wonderful and forgiving person and said she's not going anywhere. However if I screw up again I don't think she'll be singing the same tune.

Failure is not an option and I need to be clean forever and somehow manage to regain hewr trust. HELP!!!!

Many of us have similar stories. Don't give up. Change doesn't happen overnight.
Hatzlocha.

Thanks for the encouragement. Do you or anyone else here know of a frum rav or counselor in the ny area that my wife and i can go to together. We are supposed to go on vacation in two days and really need to talk with someone before we go however I am too embarrassed and ashamed to reach out to my own rav about this.

I do not, though I'm sure someone here has an idea. Personally, I have found that consistent open, honest communication is key.

Welcome to GYE and thank you for sharing!

Probably one of the most common parts to many of our stories is that we thought marriage would be the solution to our problem, so you are by no means alone in that department. Many of us found that our problem actually became worse after marriage. Some of us have found that porn and masturbation was actually not our underlying problem, but only a symptom of our actual problems and was even our go to solution to those problems. I'm not saying that is the case for you, but if it's something you can relate to, I hope it helps. The suggestion of GYE is that newcomers start with certain tools that you can find links to below in my signature. What seems to work for many many people is to take action! We can and we do theorize about all kind of approaches and solutions here on GYE, but I don't think any of us got sober doing that. People got sobriety by taking action and seeing what works for them. So click the links, get honest and take action! We build up a lot of distrust with our wives and we need to rebuild that trust by being trustworthy. Going to therapy, while a good idea for many, can't replace actually being trustworthy.

Hatzlacha!

So how am I suppsoed to build up trust. It seems as if even if I am perfect and never fall again, she will always have and inkling of doubt in her mind that maybe I just got better at hiding it from her. She's working overnight and she just called to see what I was up to. I told her what I was doing, but I know she still didn't believe me.

I installed webchaver and had the reports go to her, but since it hasn't yet been a week. no reports, and she's nudgey.

Trust isn't all or nothing, and also trust takes time. Live honestly, and over time she will trust you more. There is nothing else you can do about it. Don't stress over it too much. Be patient. Do your part and IY"H she will begin to trust you more.

Be there for her. Do things for her, even before she asks. Communicate with her. If you show you are there for her, she will know you aren't somewhere else. Visit her in the middle of the day. Bring her lunch.

Hi Moshe123, first of all, you are such a strong person for confronting your yetzer hara in a very real way and for being so honest on this forum thread about your struggles. I'm always affected by the mishna in pirkei avow "who is strong? he who can conquer his yetzer hara." It's not easy, but we have to know as frum married men that not only our kedusha, but the kedusha of our relationship with our spouse and future children, IYH, depends on us fighting. Maybe not even succeeding in the battle, just fighting it is tremendous. I'm a Lubavitcher and there's a saying in Chabad that it doesn't matter where you are on the ladder, but rather which direction you're going in. A person could be a big chossid, super yiras shamayim, but if they willingly give into taavas, then they won't be so high on the ladder for too much longer. If a person finds themselves wallowing in the shmutz, but they want to change for the better and they make even a smallest attempt to fight of the yetzer hara, then soon small victories will become big victories and we'll be at the top of the ladder with strength and perseverance.
In terms of building trust, I've found just by looking at the GYE website that there are a lot of really good preventative measures to take that you can share with your wife. For instance, the TaPHSiC method is really good because it helps you train yourself to not be compulsive about your taavas and instead makes you accountable for them. The 90 day challenge, if you're up to it, is also a really good thing and you can share your progress with her. I don't know what type of relationship you have with your wife, it seems like she is a real eshes chayal for being so loving and supportive, maybe she'll be open to you being open about your journey? Maybe read the GYE handbook for guidance and then, after thinking about the handbook and how it has relevance to your struggle, you can choose to share some struggles in a tasteful way. Also, perhaps have her join a spouse support chatline or phone conference. This can help her navigate through your addiction. Most importantly, show her how much you love and appreciate her by pulling your share of the house work and giving her little gifts (make her coffee in the morning, write her a love note for no reason other than to say I love you, etc.)
I wish you tons of hatzlacha! Stay strong and remember: one day at a time.

Sounds like you and your aishes chayil are both very special people.

Lying/hiding is part and parcel of addiction.

Since your wife already knows of your struggles, it may be worth coming completely clean with her by letting her know that this isn't just a yetzer hora, but an addiction. You can tell her your whole history. You can even tell her about this website. There is a women's forum which includes a spouses of addicts section if she's interested.

Very important not to make your wife your sobriety partner. She doesn't need the pressure. You already made her your webchaver partner, so if you change to someone else, she will wonder why. Even so, you can think about changing to someone else and tell her you don't want to burden her with this. Webchaver reports happen to be very cumbersome and misleading. Either way, she shouldn't be getting a play-by-play of your daily struggles. She needs to be your wife and friend. She needs to know you are doing what it takes to get yourself well. She will sense it. The trust will return.

Much hatzlocha,

Alex

Just a wierd curious question,

Do most women consider it a betrayal if a man simply masterbates? Watching porn yes. But masterbate will its assur gamur,thats called a betrayel? I could be thinking about her too after all. I am basing this on how moshe's wife was disturbed by it. Yes my wife doesn't relaize that I sin in that. And I do it almost every nite. But it just makes it that much scary if what moshe claims is the norm. Perhaps this should be posted on the women forum I don't know I was just kind of curious.

Just a wierd curious question,

Do most women consider it a betrayal if a man simply masterbates? Watching porn yes. But masterbate while its assur gamur,thats called a betrayel? I could be thinking about her too after all. I am basing this on how moshe's wife was disturbed by it. Yes my wife doesn't relaize that I sin in that. And I do it almost every nite. But it just makes it that much scary if what moshe claims is the norm. Perhaps this should be posted on the women forum I don't know I was just kind of curious.

I think that many women consider it a betrayal if a spouse both masturbates and engages in reading and watching porn-If your wife ever looks at your bedroom sheets, it is hard to miss the evidence. I agree 100% that lying and hiding is a huge part of the addiction. However, once you wean yourself off both, and it is possible to do so, you will find that your inability and/or severe lack of interest to have normal relations with your wife will disappear and you won't need Viagra or anything else to do so.

Sex is supposed to help the two of you bond in a way only a husband and wife should.

A wife will feel betrayed when her husband has sex with someone other than her.

Masturbation is sex with yourself.

Do the math.

OK I'll trust you guys on that one. I mean logically looking at porn and just an addiction to masterbation are two very differnet animals. One is an inner struggle very difficult to control and one is doing a masa and physically going after other women. But I am not a lady and don't know how they think. So meanhwile I'll just pray that I can stop asap ad hopefully my wife won't know. As to why she never notices it on the linen or when I twist and turn. I am not sure why and I am amrried for a while already.