hwhap@gmx.com wrote:


I can't say I understand your last two posts fully but I get the sentiment and I relate well with them, although we differ in some of the conclusions.

My therapist keeps hammering at me. ...the key to success is open communication.

Recently I remembered a quote from President Truman. They used to call him "give'm hell Harry." He would say "I just tell'em the truth and they think it's hell." I think this is basically the problem here, she's talking to me implicitly and I understand what she is saying, but I don't like what she is saying. That is not really a communication problem. But, as I said before, I definitely have some work to do on my communication anyway.

Tonight I saw her wearing her new pretty head covering late at night, whereas normally she would have taken it off by that time. Once she yelled at me for ignoring her when she was wearing make-up for my benefit, I asked her if she was wearing this thing for me. And she said "no." So tonight I passed my communication test. I read a Rashi today that says that when Adam and Chava made Shes Hashem increased Adam's desire for his wife. I feel like this is what's happening in the last few weeks with her, she's slimming down and looking like a million dollars. In recent months I had figured out how to baby her and hold her without desiring her, when she was a lot heavier and more plain, and I think I'm going to have to learn this all over again now.

(I posted some of this on another thread earlier in response to a question.)

Last night I had a heated discussion with my wife. She's been looking very good recently because she's losing weight rapidly and also has to buy new clothes, and simultaneously she is experimenting with new head coverings. Over the last several months I had gotten spoiled because she didn't really turn me on, and we had good intimacy too, and I wasn't prepared for this. I think this set me back a lot in terms of being able to look at her and have fun with her without desiring tashmish. And I don't feel comfortable asking for it, I already feel bad during tashmish as it is without her showing that she's going along with it just for my sake. Finally I decided to move to my own bed.

Having dealt with this before I think most of the cause of the discord is me, because when I feel powerless I deduce that since I'm in such a tough spot she should be decent enough to go along with all my desires. I don't have these expectations when I'm not feeling powerless.

However what I won't assume responsibility is her behavior, when she figures out she lost weight and she makes sure to mention it to me. She wants me to make her feel good about how she looks while pretending that I don't desire her. There's no rule that says I have to be a malach because I'm married to this particular woman. So finally I decided to move to my bed. Intimacy-wise it's a major step backwards, but I think it's necessary at the moment.

I felt great this morning when I realized that I did not see what my wife looked like after she got dressed despite talking with her before work and driving her somewhere. It felt like freedom.

Give her a lot of space to be a person and just try to take it easy. Thanks fr sharing with us.

Yep.

I don't want to write "I've been sober for so many days," but I thought writing about recent masturbation history would give my readers more information. Note: each time I masturbated I usually do it more than once over a period of a couple of days. I always think about the same two or three fantasies. Then I always conclude I am better off getting back on the wagon.

04/24/2015 Masturbated after wife had flashbacks.
04/14/2015 Masturbated after wife had flashbacks.
03/31/2015 Masturbated after fight and anxiety.
03/26/2015 Masturbated after wife started cleaning the house regularly.
03/23/2015 Masturbated after wife discussed her shoes with me.
12/12/2014 Masturbated during depression relapse.
11/30/2014 Masturbated during depression relapse.
06/23/2014 Masturbated during depression relapse.

That should give people an idea.

My plan to sleep in my own bed only lasted two days. I had a big fight with my wife and then I visited her and then I moved back to her bed. I didn't want to bother her with tashmish, but I really desire her, and I think if I hadn't visited her I would have chosen to masturbated, maybe a couple of days later, it's hard to know. On the other hand she's the one that's looking all pretty these days.

I thought about cordnoy's comment about communication. I think the reason I didn't try to have better communication earlier in the week is because I knew it would become a screaming fight, and I'd rather not. In the end though we got a screaming fight anyway.

I think that something fundamental maybe changing for me, so I don't know where I stand. I had sort of made up my mind not to bother my wife with tashmish, because I thought she had a problem with that. But now she seems to be growing up, she had some flashbacks and she feels better about tashmish now, I think, and yesterday she told me that I need to be more assertive and tell her when I want it. I think she may be saying that she can't bring herself to put down everything and have relations for my sake unless I really insist, because usually she is tired and she'd rather be doing something else. Maybe she's saying that if once or twice a week I really need it I'd better say it straight out because she's not come over and find out if I need attention.

I may need to change in that area.

personally, i think you may think too much.
that goes back to my communication key.
im kinda confused as to whose bed you're in, but that's ok.....not sure i really need to know.

bhatzlachah

Hi hwhap
It's been pretty quiet around here lately. Things ok?

stillgoing wrote on 02 Jul 2015 15:52:

Ya man, how u been?