Hey guys I need some help. I had an intense life situation that ended yesterday and had been clean for 3 weeks. After all the stress subsided the lust light in my brain turned green and I did something I've never done before and something that's making me very depressed. I did what some call (I think) voyeurism. I took some pic of women who were triggers for me while I was walking down the street. It was obviously very discreet and it wasn't many just a handful most of which didn't even come out. I woke up this morning and I realized how low I stooped and right away felt very depressed. And full of shame. I can't imagine "normal" ppl would do something like this. I feel like I am now one of the weird perverts or for lack of better term crazies. Does anyone else here have experience with this or something that caused them to feel like this (the shame) and if yes how do you deal with it? Thank you guys.
p.s. I'm obviously gonna take this as a lesson and not do it again and learn how to better protect my lusting in the future but even once is too many times for my (fragile) self confidence.

Welcome back!

Feelings of shame and depression don't help the situation at all. In fact, in most cases, these feelings make things worse.

It is impossible to serve Hashem without happiness. Let go of the feelings and what happened, and be happy while focusing on what you need to do now.

I hope one of your "now" decisions will be to stick around here on a regular basis, rather than coming back after long stretches of absence.

I understand they don't help, my question was do u experience them, shame specifically, and how do you deal. With them? I have a hard time imagining you just "let go and feel free" real depression etc does get healed like that.

I agree that excessive regret is bad. You need to move forward, and dwelling on the past could hinder that. However, addicts often escalate in their behavior; it's normal, and you're not alone in this at all. We are strung out on the dopamine fix we get, and we need new and more exciting stimuli to get it. So your recognition of this problem and resolve not repeat is very laudable, and, I think, a little necessary. If recalling how bad you feel keeps you out of denial's embrace and stems the tide of escalation, by all means, don't suppress your regret completely. But also, don't be subsumed by it.

Just keep on going, and hang out here. If not for you, then for me :-) I need the inspiration of your presence too.

Wise words Talmid Chaim.

Mr. Clean, I can relate to this feeling. I am clean for 3 weeks as well and a few days ago I made the wrong move. I was very worried and I realized that sometimes the 90 day journey can lead you into inexperienced waters. I took two things from this worry - 1. I am worried because I took the wrong move. 2. Now I know what can happen when I reach this far into inexperienced waters so I can watch out for next time. If your act of voyeurism was a one time thing than it's not part of your addiction. Your depression will hopefully be healed with time and you can put it behind you.

Please take these words cautiously, as I don't know your specific situation and I am just sharing some experience.

Shame?

you bet. It is coming from the fact you have a holy soul. If you were really a low individual you would feel nothing.
This is one of the attributes of Jews(RAMBAM)

You see your very shame proves your nobility. I don't think there is even one person on the forum who has not experienced shame.

Your Y"H knew quite well that participating in the forum is a very potent tool in sobriety. He got ya good. He can't tell you not to work on your sobriety but he can cause you to question yourself so you become depressed. A depressed person cannot succeed- period.
c'mon now, I for one do not think of you in any weird way. You got a Y"H,B"H for that and he gotcha good.

Now your job is to put this experience past you and get on the wagon -with an upbeat attitude. The confidence will grow as your days accumulate.

Hatlacha!

Thank you for sharing. It's not easy to admit things like that, even in an anonymous forum. You did it, you regret it, so now move on. The disease of sex addiction is a progressive one, so it's good you are stopping this in its tracks now.

Learn from the past for the future, but then let go and move on.

Depression and feelings of intense guilt are the tools of the YH to keep you in the mud.

Do what you can to make sure you don't go down that path again (you probably will get caught if you keep it up), but don't dwell on the past. Look at what you need to do now.

Hatzlacha!

yiraishamaim wrote:


A big part of your shame, Mr. Clean, may have nothin' to do with the above.

As with all addiction, the shame comes out after the act. Sex itself is not entirely 'dignified,' but pornography and the associated 'acting out' represents a new humiliation: in crude terms, the victim of this passion realizes his utter weakness in indulging in this activity without another person, which is what the desire really is about. This realization also emphasizes the isolation of the pornic person, which both is the entry point of pornography (i.e. loneliness and feelings of weakness) and its eventual byproduct once it unites with the soul. It is a maddening circle of desire, acting out, shame, and then more acting out to escape the shame, which in turn leads to more guilt.


This can quickly degenerate to the point where the overwhelming sense of guilt colors not only all of the pornic man's relationships, but convinces him he is a 'pervert.' He is not really a pervert by nature, but he has been perverted by the passions. There is hope: we must always remember that addiction does not constitutionally change our humanity, but only temporarily distorts it in a way that can be recovered from.

Much wisdom right there !
Inspirin'

One of Cordnoy's best posts! Profound and insightful, thank you.

Wow thanks everyone, so many great posts. This is some of the best stuff I've ever read on this forum. And I agree great post cordnoy. Polar bear I meant to tell you that you made a good point, I do feel that the longer I'm clean sometimes I may be more susceptible to doing something stupid because its been so long and my brain wants that fix. Its a scary thought but helpful bec I know now that I need to guard myself for more then just watching porn but anything that may give me that fix.
Not to keep dwelling on this but one last question, how do you deal with the shame when you do something that you in retrospect see as "crazy" or "having gone too far". I find that for me its inevitable that ill view myself as "messed up" aka shame, and will feel inadequate regarding life and mainly marriage. Do you guys get this and how do you deal with it?

Take appropriate action and KOT! We are all here because we did things we were/are ashamed of, broke barriers etc.. This is no different really. Stop dwelling on it. Perhaps use it as motivation to work on recovery, but not more than that.

Your user name mr clean suggests that this is something very important to you - and that when you act out you're very conscious that making yourself dirty. It seems understandable that you have shame tied if it is so high stakes for you.
I don't dare to contradict the other reasons people more experienced here have given, and I may also be saying complete nonsense - but I'm just putting the thought out that it maybe a little pathological (or is the word neurotic?) with you. An over abundance of shame. And that it's of psychological origin rather than your neshama or sechel.
I've heard it said that shame is debilitating; someone's also said something like this on the thread.
I also don't know how my suggestion can possibly fit in with some of the things we say in tachanun and elsewhere "boishti vegam nichlamti".