Hello fellow Jews. I have been following this website for a while and I finally signed up in order to participate.

I am a holy Jew with a great soul, who has been captured and tortured and beaten by the Tzad Shekineged for many years. I started my internet surfing at the age of 12, although I found other forms of stimulation before the internet was introduced into my life. I am now 30 years old, and I can safely say that this internet addiction/compulsion has ruined the quality of my life. I love my life, I love my wife, and I love my kids. I love my job and I love my friends. But when I am in the self-love zone, the force is so strong and powerful that all those things go out the window.
My baby is screaming from his crib? Ok, I'll just be a few more minutes...
My meeting starts in two minutes and I'm still 15 minutes away? Ok, lemme just finish up here, and I'll be on my way shortly. I will curse myself and be wracked with guilt and frustration later, but right now I just need a few more minutes...
And the scariest part is, when I went to a psychologist and he asked me if I want to stop this behaviour, I really had to think about it. It has been a major part of my life for over 20 years, and I really do enjoy it. Saying goodbye forever would be like saying goodbye to an old friend.
But when sanity hits me, I know it is destroying me emotionally. I can't bring myself to do the things I know I should be doing, like davenning and learning, or starting and keeping good habits.
I feel like my insides are all just a big black hole. I feel nothing except acid a decay coming from inside me.
And I just don't know what the trick is to taking back my life, when I really don't know if I have the strength or the fortitude to make it happen.
So here's to hoping for a brighter future.
That's my introduction. Have a bright and sweet shabbos hayom lashem.

Hell of a first post!
Wow, does that resonate!
Nothin' comes in the way of my lust!
Lust always takes priority.

b'hatzlachah man

Such honesty. Oh how can I relate to you!

You articulated your situation so clearly. Please be aware that it is also very typical.

You bet there is hope. I'm truly excited that you joined us.
Please post regularly. Be ready ready to do what it takes.

The awesome gains outweigh any PERCEIVED losses. Take the addiction put it in a bottle and throw it overboard into the Atlantic Ocean. Then pray hard no poor soul ever finds it.

In your heart of hearts you know that sobriety from lust, opens the window of opportunity of all that is good , 'cause that's why your here, right?

Welcome BH,
Boruch Hashem you are here where you can get all the help you need. We love you bro!

yiraishamaim wrote:


Please O' guru, tell us how.

Thanks

WELCOME! You are expressing the feelings of many of us here. Stick around. Keep posting. Take a look at the handbook, and some of the links in my signature.

Welcome to the forum! That was an excellent first post. Thank you for your honesty. I can completely relate to you and I'm sure so can many others here. You write "Saying goodbye forever would be like saying goodbye to an old friend." Isn't that the truth! It's a good thing that you don't have to say goodbye forever. Can you just say good bye for today? It helps me to say it out, just for today I will .....

It helps some of us to answer these questions every day, either with a partner or even with ones self. It's important to verbalize them.

SA Daily Sobriety Renewal Checklist*

These questions are shared between recovery partners at the
beginning of the day.

1) Are you willing to admit you are powerless over lust and sexual acting out, just
for today?
2) Do you desire sobriety for the next 24 hours: freedom from sexual obsession
and acting out, freedom from fear, resentment, shame, and isolation?
3) Are you willing to do whatever is necessary to protect this desire including
spiritual reading, reaching out and calling others, prayer and meditation, physical
care of your body, setting appropriate boundaries, and refusing all lust hits as
toxic?
4) Just for today, do we commit to God and this group that we do not have to
have sex with ourselves or anyone else (except a spouse) no matter what,
realizing that at the end of this 24 hours we are free to continue with sobriety or
go another way?
5) Do you understand that this renewal does not keep you sober (God does), but
it does make you aware of yourself and accountable to others?
6) And, just for today, are you willing with me to hand over your will and the care
of your life to the One Who kept you sober yesterday and has protected you from
the full consequences of your lust in the past?
7) Have you done anything in the last 24 hours that you’re ashamed of?
8) Are we aware of anything in our plans for the next 24 hours of which we might
become ashamed? Any danger zones, slippery spots on the horizon, or hidden
bottles we should bring to the light?

Close by exchanging at least one gratitude.

* Taken from the SA newsletter The Essay

Thank you for the warm welcome. Shabbos was a breeze, as it usually is. Motzaei Shabbos, not as much. I suddenly felt that deep pull in my chest. Believe me, I considered saying to heck with it, but I promised in my sign-up that if I failed the 90 day thing, I would donate $900 to this place. So I came here instead to find your great responses. Thanks for this.
2 days clean. Here goes nothing.

900!?
nice!

Hope the admins of the site are rootin' for you as well.

b'hatzlachah

So Happy for you

One Day at a Time

Keep Sober Keep Smiling

Another day, another battle. I love the feeling of not-guilty. I love being able to tiptoe quietly into my bedroom after cleaning the kitchen rather than sneaking in after doing something else and dreading the wife's slow rollover, checking of the clock, looking at me through her disappointment, and just knowing in my heart that she sees straight through me to my emptiness and shame.
I've been guilty and I've been innocent, and innocent is much better!

Wow. Powerful writing. Powerful feelings.
I think everyone here can relate.

I'm just a few days ahead of you on the ladder but trust me when I say that each day new parts of me are coming to life again.
I can look my wife and kids in the eye now and it's the most incredible feeling in the world!

Stay strong and savor that awesome feeling that comes with being clean. You CAN find life again and we will be there with you, for you, helping you along on the journey.

Have a great day!

wow can i relate! porn was my BEST friend.it made me feel good no GREAT! - for about 2 minutes.then i needed more.then it made me feel good again - for another 2 minutes.etc, etc, etc.hundreds of movies and thousands of dollars later, i was in a vicious cycle.up, down, up,down, up down.for nearly 40 years i went like this.i didn't know what i was going to do.then i saw a pop-up that lasted about 5 seconds.i said - what was that? luckily, it popped up again.i grabbed my pen and wrote down the email addresses.then it was gone again.that was 6 1/2 years ago.i can't say it's been easy, but at least i found my way, finally, into recovery.in the beginning, you have to push yourself, take small steps at a time.maybe one hour of being clean, or two hours.whatever you can handle.but keep pushing, little by little.it wont be easy, but you'll have people pulling you up the mountain to make the climb easier than if you were going it alone.
hatzlacha!
jack

or to put it another way - with friends like those, who needs enemies?

Another day, another major victory. I must say, it may be way too early to talk like this, but these are my thoughts. I believe that when I tried stopping on my own, the days that passed were pretty depressing. During the time that I tried my first 90 day cleanse I was, like I mentioned in an earlier post, almost in a state of mourning, like I was saying goodbye to an old friend. In fact, during that time, my wife was recommended by her doctor to cut out dairy from her diet. And I was so happy. I actually shared with my wife that I was happy that she was giving up something that she loved so that she could feel what I was feeling. It was just all depression all the time.

But for some reason, with this community, with the 90 day board, with the forum to come to and post and discuss and hear back from people, instead of feeling down and grumpy I fee so excited with every day that passes. I almost don't miss it, and when the urge comes, at the very beginning I can simply push it away and say, sorry, it's not your time. It's my time! (It works most of the time. Sometimes the feeling grows and I am indeed struggling, but you understand...)
Also, the honest and hnvelievable feeling of closeness and love I am feeling for my wife since I started this last week is just the greatest thing ever. I have no guilt. I have no secrets. Sure, I'm not superman. I have faults and shortcomings, but I have no dishonesty or disloyalty. At least not lately. And it's an absolute thrill.

So thank you GYE family for giving me this life. I don't know you, but I love you. I love you all.