I am currently 25 years old, married and with a child. I have been suffering from this affliction off and on since I was 14. That is 11 years of lust and loss and it isn't worth it anymore.

Let me tell you my story. I grew up in Australia where the concept of filtered internet was unknown and parents were naive enough to trust that their children were just surfing suitable websites. For the most part this was true. For a very long time the concept of pornography and masturbation was foreign. However, I had a devil of a friend who is not jewish. He has no such morals and introduced me to this evil world. He would surf it on his computer while I was there and he and his brother would often buy pornographic magazines and read them openly while I was at their house.

The idea triggered lust within me, but it did not manifest into masturbation because this concept was still foreign to me and I was only exposed to pornography at their house. Unfortunately, I didn't stop myself from going over. Over time, I realised I could expose myself to this filth on my own computer and lust started taking over. I might add that at the time I was basically friendless, I was bullied heavily at school because I was not Chabad and there were no other religious options. So I was alone and depressed and the thrill of it, the fact that I wasn't supposed to be doing this and the momentary release acted as a narcotic, providing me with moments where I forgot my situation.

After a year I stopped, then I began hanging around some Bnei Akiva guys and girls. The guys would talk openly about their adventures and their solo activities and the girls would encourage it and share theirs. Each guy encouraged the next to pick up one of the girls and so on. I was 16 at the time, and well, my lust got the better of me, and I started up this practice once again. However, I never watched, because I didn't have internet at that time, but I corrupted myself with fantasies and thoughts (which I think is worse in some ways).

I managed to soon afterwards to curb my lust, and although it never went away, I succeeded in not watching stuff for a while or fantasising. I dated a girl that I had been trying to go out with for a few months and that changed that again.

Since that point, even when I came to Yeshiva, I have managed to forestall and delay it. First by weeks, then even by a month an a half, but I was never able to stop myself for longer than that. It drives me nuts, I can feel that urge at the back of my head; I can feel that dopamine addiction, even now as I write this, like a dripping water tap, constantly pushing me, urging me to receive sexual gratification.

The worst part of it, is that I am married, and because of porn, I have created desired for certain experiences that I will never ask of my wife (nothing too bad), but still somewhat demeaning. However, I still really desire it, and since I will not ask nor let her satisfy it (because when I am with her, I want it to be about her), I still desire it and turn towards porn to imagine as if it were me.

I have had enough. Now, the pleasure is basically gone. I just have the depression and the feeling of insecurity and being damaged. I want out, but, unfortunately, I am too good, technologically speaking. I have broken through eNativ, Nativ, Nettzach, and others. I am at my ropes end and need help.

Welcome. We are all similar here. Have you tried qustodio? It has filter and accountability software.

Welcome to GYE and keep posting. Thank you for your honest and open share.

Welcome,

Actually TAG is switchin' from qustodio to nativ or somethin' like that.

b'hatzlachah

Thank you for your beautiful post. Welcome!

My acting out continued for over 30 years before I found this website.

I have had to do this without the benefit of a filter for my work computer, because it is a network computer. Even if I managed to put one on, there's plenty of computers nearby that I could use.
So I've had to develop the only truly effective filter -- the one between my ears.

What does a filter do? You try to go to a website, and it says no (at least it should).

Every time.

Same with the filter between your ears.
Every time your mind starts to drift toward a lustful thought, you say no.
I take it a step further, and verbally surrender my lust to Hashem, asking Him to take it, because I really don't want to lust. It just feels really good for the moment.

I've made a decision not to lust.
And just like the filter, I only have to say no to the current attempt.
One day at a time. One temptation at a time. It adds up.
I am in my 7th year of sobriety now, baruch Hashem.
One temptation at a time.

Much Hatzlocha

I admit that qustodio is not perfect, (and I didn't even know they used qustodio,) but what is the reason for the switch? Because Nativ (or somethin' like that) is a better filter? Or because it is a Jewish company?

my assumption (a little bit based upon my source) is because it's a jewish company.
i also heard that its filter works live; not by rules (or somethin' like that).

I think getting a bit off topic

Alex, I like that idea. Although, it is possible that first we cannot be trusted, but, ultimately, all filters do is act as an obstacle. Like everything else in the modern era, in religious society, secularist religions and in modern medicine, we treat the symptom, hoping it will solve the issue, but never truly solving the underlying problem. The problem here is our inability to control ourselves, to be men and be in charge of our faculties. We are so pushed around by our urges and desires and society teaches us to embrace it; morality and modesty doesn't really exist any more (adultery and cheating is becoming more acceptable). We are losing the battle to be more than animals and be in charge of our actions.

Training ourselves to be stronger and in control, that's how we truly change; that is how we solve the underlying cause. If we are no longer addicted to instant gratification, self-gratification and transient benefits, then we can heal/are healed and can move towards g-d and towards regaining ourselves.

However, as aforementioned, self-discipline is a difficult albeit noble achievement in the best of circumstances. Here, where the issue is more deeply embedded into our psyche, perhaps obstacles are necessary starting point.

Congratulations, though, are in order to your sobreity and to you achieving that level of discipline.

Thanks, Yizza. And just to add, a lot of honesty with self will go along way to helping with sobriety.

WELCOME! You have certainly come to the right place. Many have been in your situation (and worse) and are sober today, so there is hope. I personally acted out for over 20 years, and much of that was after I got married. B"H, I'm just under 6 years sober now.

You made a lot of good points, but I must take issue with something you said. You wrote: yizza wrote:
I'm afraid I couldn't disagree more in the case of sex addiction. Many of us, myself included, have considerable self-control in other areas, BUT not in this area. It is not just a matter of self-control for most of us, and "training ourselves to be stronger and in control" is what most of try, and most of us fail at.

Much of my problem and others on this site is NOT sex addiction or acting out. Acting out is the "solution" to a living problem. For whatever reason. Some were abused physically or verbally,are depressed or lonely, have anxiety etc.

Actiong out is NOT the problem, it is the solution. That was one very important lesson I learned here.

You talk about addressing the problem. The problem starts way before we act out. The problem is we can't stand life for some reason, and we turn to porn or masturbation to "solve" our problem.

Please forgive my rambling, and I hope I did not offend in any way. I just feel strongly about this. I have seen so many people say "I just need more self-control" or "better time management". These people are still struggling. The ones in recovery realize they have a living problem and address it. Then the problems with lust are much more "managable". I won't say they go away, but they are greatly reduced.

Keep posting and reading the forum. I learned a ton here, and I doubt very much that I would be sober today without GYE.

WELCOME .

Thanks for your honesty, and no offense was taken. However, I think that both are true. You are right is that the underlying issue was some level of depression, etc (which would mean that a large percentage of the world are depressed, although they act this way because they lack morality and not out of actual depression), and that does need to be sorted out and dealt with, because even when the addiction is nulled, there is still the underlying disease. This cause must be eliminated as well and paths to happiness and fulfillment undertaken.

However, although addiction was a solution to this issue, it itself has become an issue. Due to the addiction, even if one were absolved of the underlying issues, a chemical and psychological addiction has been created within us. It has evolved from a solution to another problem to a problem of its own, especially, since, at least for religious people, it leads to further depressive emotions and breeds a cycle of destructive behaviour. It needs to be stopped.

It is extremely difficult to be in control in this regard, because (a) it is a primal need and desire that is inbuilt into our very makeup, (b) it is an addiction, (c) sexual experience is something we crave as it is (d) it is instant and self-gratification. It is more inbuilt into us than any other addiction we have. Furthermore, as married people, we use that drive and try to channel it outwardly for the benefit of our spouse. Control here isn't something that can be accomplished by saying no to ourselves, it requires a level of discipline and control that goes beyond anything we have ever known. As a result of which, control will evade many people, but once gained, it is a powerful tool for remaining 'sober'.

The 'i need more self-control' or 'better time management', I have found from my own experience, are excuses we use that help cultivate our destructive cycle. We tell ourselves that we are not good enough and so we fall into depressive states that end up resulting in acting out and causing our addictions to flourish. I am not speaking about excuses I am talking about actual control. This control comes from epiphanies that self-enlighten and help us understand ourselves, our actions and remain aware of them at all times.

Even writing in these forums, being honest and, instead of wasting time discussing filters (although recommendations are welcome), I believe, that the key healing process begins with this honesty and these posts and discussions that enlighten ourselves to both the issues we face and bring out the genuity we have in overcoming these massive hurdles. When we discuss honestly and openly with our fellows (even anonymously), we benefit ourselves because educate ourselves as to our actual goals and desires and constantly breed this sincerity into our hearts. We find ourselves growing more committed and stronger in our commitment, because our words are spoken from the heart.

Here, we share in each other's stories, learn from each other and have community of like-minded and like-afflicted people. We gain sympathy from each other and support each other in reaching sobriety. However, with this we create this passion within us that drives us towards achieving this. The support we receive from others and the sharing of our ideas and histories blend into a cocktail of sincerity that forces us to face down this addiction with the full force of our conviction.

"Face down this addiction with the full force of our conviction."

I like the sound of this very much.

For me, the key to "facing down this addiction" is realizing that it is more powerful than I.

I have but one way to overcome this addiction, and that is to avoid it. Meaning, I must avoid lust. This means not looking at women as much as possible, and avoiding lustful thoughts. The better I am able to to this, the more sober I am.

And like Gibbor says, we need to start living real life. Enjoy real relationships, real emotions, with real people.

Have a great clean day!

yizza wrote:
Good. You never know here. Some people are sensitive and take offense easily. Since I don't know you well yet, I was just being extra cautious.

yizza wrote:
I don't see it this way. Dov has a quote (may be from SA) "We cannot think ourselves into right living, we can only live ourselves into right thinking" Action comes first (think naaseh v'nishma).

Also, the word "control" or "self-control" are the antethesis of the 12 step model (which you may or may not find helpful). The idea is - Hashem is in "control", and we surrender our will to Him. Many of us fail because we are trying so hard to be in "control". We want to "fight" to "win". The problem is, we see ourselves as this glorious fighter, and that is just plain ego. It really has nothing to do with G-d at all. Humbling ourselves and serving G-d doesn't have quite the same glorious ring to it, but it works a lot better.

Not everything can be "explained". 12 steps does not try to "explain" anything. Simply follow the steps and see if you are better off for it. Trying to understand it, generally ruins it. It means we are trying to keep control. If I can't do it, until "I" understand it - "I" am in control. I don't know of anyone here that was helped by finally "understanding" it. Many have been helped by taking "action".

yizza wrote:
Very true. Notice that being honest is giving up some control. Opening up makes us more vulnerable, more humble, and less in "control".

Hope you enjoyed the rant .